The dark reflection

Pounding all over my head was like a hammer that had just hit the nail,through the wood.The buzzing sound .....zzzzz!

Not being myself in a moment,at a lonely corner I sat and relaxed; my mind had been driven far away to the deepest ocean.

My past carried many memories, that couldn't be forgotten in a blue moon.loosing my dad; without a word of goodbye, death had to take him away far away in the land of milk and honey,in the land filled with stars. ....

In heaven. ...

I walked all days,years,months with guilt stuck through my throat;folding my fist so hard that all I needed was to release that pain that kept on piercing my wound like a needle.

"Oh,I wish I was right beside my dad,he could be alive. ...

Questions that I kept on asking over and over,"why God!why take my dad.I remained in denial, on my hands as I flipped open the family album; page by page. Tears ran down my cheeks as I stared at the pictures of my dad.

All this coming so suddenly, I wasn't prepared at all;I felt that my world had been destroyed. Darkness had surrounded me; no one to cry on their shoulders. Happiness all turned into sorrow;that I had to pick up my broken glasses, step out boldly and face the reality.

"My dad is gone forever and never coming back. ........

The vacuum inside my heart couldn't be filled by even my mother or even my siblings. The counsel given by my father, I cherished and missed each moment we took a walk down the streets; advices pouring to me like rain of blessings.

One moment I thought that memories of my dad could disappear in a twinkle of an eye,but it was impossible to let go all the memories.

In the life journey, in challenges through a stormy road; across the deepest waters I walked with memories. Taking a paper and a pen as I wrote down every pain that I felt about my dad going away.

My heart became lighter and lighter, life had to move on.The past didn't stop me from achieving my dream;I had to put that big smile to my dad wherever he is.

I believe dad is an angel watching over me, every step I make.

I decided to take a walk to the park; the weather was so chilly as i wore a heavy coat to keep myself warm.Coming across one of the closest friend of my dad.I barely recognized him, when he shouted out my name.

Joan. .....

I was astonished trying to bring out a clear picture where I had seen him. He reached towards me;with that charming smile, still I had no clear clue who he was.

Stretching his hands towards me to greet me,"hey!Joan do you remember me?

I would say I didn't remember him at all, it was like I was talking to a stranger; nodding my head.

No.....I don't remember you

"Am Mr Sibuos, your dad was a good friend to me. ...He was a great man ,may he rest in peace.

I looked down,sadness all drawn over my face; my eyes all wet up with tears. "Are you okay?Mr Sibuos asked. ...you are crying.

"Aaaah! Am fine,something just got inside my eyes. ...

The tone in my voice couldn't hide,but definitely I was crying as my dad's memories came over to me.

"I miss my dad so much. ....

Tears ran through my cheeks; hugging Mr Sibuos, crying in deep pain as he consoled me. We had to secure a seat in the park, as we sat down to enable me to cool down.

The past memory of my dad that I thought had got over it;came flashing over my mind like lightning.

At the park seemed cool, the sounds of the birds singing; I reached out to my handbag as I got hold of my water bottle, taking a sip of water.

I didn't want my past to press me down, placing good memories that made me to smile all along the way.No one understood why I was always smiling at myself;at a moment I would laugh out loud when alone in my room.

The door could be opened ,it is my mother...

"Who are you talking to;are you okay?

Maybe my mother thought that there was loose screw in my mind or maybe am becoming insane.

My past had no pity on me at all;it dawn at me in a heavy blow. No matter how hard I tried to put a smile on my face,but, the expression round my oval head told it all. The wrinkles drawn all over my face; someone could think that I was twice as my age.

The strength on my legs was no more;staggering while walking looking so tired of life,looking so tired of this world. My past was like corona virus with no proper cure for it;digging deep inside my body organs destroying it slowly by slowly.

I went into playing of guitar as my great passion; stopping at the middle while playing and singing.

"Malaika nakupenda malaika. ......

The song came on my mind,humming to the tune;that was my dad's favourite song that he used to sing to me;each moment I visited him.I was his princess and his angel.

The song touched at the deepest part of my heart, closing my eyes so tightly; humming to the tune.The image of my dad appearing on my mind,wishing that it was not imagination but reality; but all was in my mind.

Darkness had drawn, preparing myself to go to bed and I placed my head on that spongy pillow.The stars kept on singing...twinkle twinkle little star.....

My eyes became heavy as I fell into a deep sleep; dropping into a dream that who I met was my dad.I tried reaching to him, the force kept on pulling me behind.

I was startled by the barking of dogs and peep!peep! from vehicles;sitting on my bed.

Dad.....

There was no one else in my room, except me in that dark room.I switched on the lights,looking towards the clock; it was 3 am. Kneeling down beside my bed for prayer.