Love Shouldn't Hurt

TW: Domestic violence, abuse, swearing, gore, death

It wasn’t always bad. She was usually pretty easy to deal with as long as I didn’t piss her off. Or did something she deemed disrespectful. “Honey, I’m sorry.” My voice broke a little, cheek still burning from her hand.

Those hazel eyes I still loved stared at me with so much anger. “You know better than this, Nathan.” She scolded me like I was a toddler and not her husband.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’ll make sure the dishes are done before bed.” I did my best to try and calm the situation before she got worse. And she did have a point. I did know better. I should’ve been better about my chores. If I kept everything clean, the bills paid, made fresh meals, did the laundry and yardwork, and satiated her enough in bed then everything was pretty okay.

Kathy took quick steps towards me, ignoring my slight flinch and smacked me hard again. My head snapped to the right, ear slightly ringing now. “I hate that you make me do this to you. I hate that I have to do this.” She gently turned my head to face her, eyes full of remorse.

She was right. If I hadn’t forgotten and fell asleep yesterday then this could have been avoided. I was just so tired after my fourteen hour shift, two loads of laundry folded and put away, and making dinner that I just forgot.

She probed my stinging cheek, me wincing. There was already a still healing bruise there from a couple weeks ago when I didn’t set the table correctly for our dinner guests.

I debated not saying anything back. Kathy seemed like she wanted to fight. I didn’t want to risk any more of her anger. Those beautiful hazel eyes flashed again, her fingers poking harder into my cheek, urging me to respond to her.

“I really am sorry, Kathy. I promise I will do better. How would you like me to make it up to you?” I hated that my fingers had started to tremble, palms sweaty. I should be fine dealing with this. She has been doing this for years. I was a man. I should take it like one. And she never really did too much damage. There had only been a couple hospital visits for falling down the stairs of our one-story home and running into doors. The normal excuses, anyway.

A cruel, lovely smile dawned her full lips. “Remember that vase we saw last week? The one you said was too expensive?”

I did remember. I also remember her outburst in the car and the small bruises on my chest from where she hit me when we got home. I had made a scene in the store by stating we couldn’t afford it and embarrassed her, according to her. And perhaps I did. I don’t remember much of the night after that. “Of course, Dear, anything for you.” I forced my hands steady, caressing her perfect, unmarked face.

The next day, James noticed the new purple splotch on my cheek. “Tripped doing yardwork” I had told him. No one would feel bad for me. And why would they? I’m a man, I can take it like one. She’s just letting off steam. And if I stayed in line, then there wouldn’t be any cause for it.

“I’m telling ya, Nate, you can’t keep doing this.” James remarked as we continued packing the packages people ordered online. He was my only friend. Which made him my best friend. Kathy didn’t know about him. I’m not sure why I didn’t want to tell her.

I fumbled the box I was holding before quickly catching it again. ‘What are you talking about?”

He turned to look at me, his hazel eyes much different than Kathy’s. He never looked at me with that anger she so often did. Those looks had been becoming more and more frequent. “The damn bruises and scratches. You think people don’t know? You think I don’t know what’s really been going on? I’m not stupid.”

I looked away, going back to my task. The backs of my hands still had some red scratches from this morning when Kathy discovered I hadn’t wrapped the vase in bubble wrap for the car ride. At least they weren’t on my face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I replied softly, hoping for a topic change. I knew he would ridicule me.

“Nathan,” he got closer, walking around to my face, “tell me the truth. This has been going on for years. For as long as I’ve known you. Is she doing this to you?” He got closer, quieter. “Is she hitting you?”

This wasn’t going how I thought it would at all, but I still needed to stop it. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not as bad as it looks.” Glancing around, I saw a package marked “Not intended for internal use”. James and I used to joke about what items could be in boxes like that. “What do you think is in that one?”

He didn’t bite. “I’m serious. Tell me the truth; is she hitting you?”

I looked around the warehouse before meeting his gaze. His face was so full of worry. A small pang of fear and shame coursed through me. Would he be upset if I told him? What would he do? Would he get me fired? Stop being my friend? Hit me for not being a man and taking it?

I glanced around again, wanting to make sure no one was around in case they overheard and mocked me. “Yes. She hits me. But it’s my fault, I know it. And I’m not complaining about it. I’m a man, I can take it.” I willed my hands to keep moving, trying to focus on something else.

He swore low, his boots scuffing on the floor.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw his figure moving closer. I couldn’t help my small flinch away. I knew I shouldn’t have told him.

“Shit,” he started, stopping dead, “I didn’t mean to scare you. It must be worse than I thought for you to jump like that.” He moved slowly towards me.

I desperately needed to fix this. I didn’t want my only friend thinking I’m a wuss for not being able to handle my wife beating on me when she’s mad. “It’s not. I didn’t mean to jump. I’m sorry. Can we talk about something else?”

With hesitant eyes, I looked up to find him staring at me. His own eyes were misty, nose slightly red. “It’s not okay, Nathan. And it’s not your fault. It doesn’t matter she’s a woman and you’re a man. It’s abuse.” His voice cracked a little, throat bobbing.

“I can handle it, James.” Traitorous tears burned my eyes. It had been a while since I cried about this.

“You shouldn’t have to, damn it.” He let out a shaky breath, wiping his eyes. “My sister was in a situation like yours. Although, she had a lot more physical bruises and hospital visits. I’ll be damned if I let it get that far.”

“Really, I’m fine. I shouldn’t have told you. I’m sorry for-”

“Please,” James cut me off, “stop apologizing for this. You did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. It is never okay for someone to hit their partner. Never. I’m driving you home tonight. You’re backing a bag and leaving."

True terror shot through me now. What would Kathy do if she thought I was leaving her? “I-I can’t. I’m sorry, James, but I can’t. I love her and she loves me.”

Barely contained rage filled his features. “If she loved you, she wouldn’t do that. Let me guess; she makes it seem like it was all your fault and she only hit you because you made her. Her anger and mood swings are unpredictable. Nothing you do is ever enough for her. And judging by the new bruises you seem to have every couple days, it’s getting worse.”

I didn’t reply right away, just staring at him. How did he know all of that? “She loves me.” I whispered, trying to believe the lie myself.

James placed his hand on my shoulder, “No, she doesn’t. She loves controlling you. Come on, shifts over.” He pulled me to the locker room to grab our stuff.

I sat in the passenger seat of James’s blue Honda. This was a mistake. This was a horrible, terrible, idiotic mistake.

“Just go inside, tell her you need to bring me some clothes because my wife kicked me out.” James tried to give me a lie.

“You don’t have a wife.” I answered, eyes locked onto the front door. I should have dinner ready in thirty minutes. The table should be set before that, her seated on the left, her wine poured into her chilled glass. There is some frozen beef in the freezer I could-

“Hey,” James spoke, pulling me out of my rambling thoughts. “You can do this. Are you sure you don’t want me to go in with you?”

“Yes. She doesn’t know about you. I,” I hesitated, feeling embarrassed, “I’m not allowed to have friends. Takes away from my chores.”

His hand on the wheel tightened. “Alright. If you’re not out in ten minutes, so help me God I’m coming in after you.”

I nodded, taking a deep breath and exiting his car.

The house was quiet. Almost as if some other force or higher power was watching and knew what I was about to do.

Kathy wasn’t in the kitchen, nor was she in the hallway leading to our bedroom. I was running out of places to avoid her. Turning the knob to our room, I saw it empty. Relief coursed through me. Quickly, I stuffed some clothes into a bag as well as my phone charger and some extra cash I had hidden in an old pair of gym shoes. All I needed now was my toothbrush and razor.

Kathy still wasn’t in the hallway. I opened the bathroom door, finding it empty with the toilet running. She must’ve been in here. I needed to get out fast before her questions started and I lost the nerve.

Leaving the bathroom, I came face to face with my wife. She was blocking the hall to the living room and kitchen. And my exit. Her eyes roamed over my bag, curiosity covering her face. “What’s with the bag, Nathan?”

My heart beat in double time. If I told her, she would be furious. “J-just some clothes for a coworker. His wife kicked him out and he needed something to last a few days." I stuck to the lie, praying it would be enough.

She held her hand out. “Give it to me. You can take it after you make dinner and clean up.”

My clammy hands tightened on the duffle straps. “No. I-I mean, he’s right outside. I’ll be just a minute and then I’ll fix dinner.” I made a move to walk past her, squeezing around the insanely expensive vase I bought her this morning.

Something made contact with my back. I stumbled forward, dropping the bag. Kathy grabbed it, tearing into it to see the contents. “Why would your coworker need your toothbrush?” Her voice was low, threatening and damn it, it terrified me.

I took a half step back, making a snail's pace to my exit. “Kathy, listen, please-”

“Were you going to leave me, Nathan?” She picked up a book, throwing it at me. I ducked too late, the tome making contact with my shoulder.

“Kathy, please. I-I think we need some time-” I jumped back, her coming right at me. The fury on her face would’ve scared a drill sergeant.

She smacked me hard before closing her hand and hitting my left eye. It had been a while since she actually used a fist. “How dare you! I loved you, Nathan! You will not leave me. No one will love you. You’re pathetic!” She hit me again, grabbing heavy items to use as weapons.

I saw her grab the wooden lamp, arm swinging. Pulling my own arms up, they caught most of the blow.

She continued to beat me with the lamp, ignoring my cries of pain. She kicked my stomach, forcing me onto the ground.

The sound of a car honking froze her. My swelling eyes turned towards the door, James. I forgot he was here. I needed to get out of here before she broke another rib.

I tried crawling away, moving to my exit. James was right, she was getting more and more violent. Moving along the floor, I collapsed as the lamp made contact with my head. “You’re worthless. A pitiful excuse of a man. You can’t even handle it when I’m upset. You think someone else could ever love you?” She hissed at me, throwing more books at me as I crawled away.

Tears had started to fall from my eyes. She was right. I was pitiful. I was a pathetic excuse for a man. I knew after I got out of here, I would come back tomorrow with my tail between my legs and beg her forgiveness.

There was a knock on the door, and an involuntary sob escaped me. “Kathy, please just-”

The person knocked again, harder, “Nathan? Nathan, I’m coming in!” James sounded panicked, turning the door knob.

I turned to my beautiful Kathy, wanting to apologize and plead with her before James came inside. What I saw forced the blood from my face. She was walking towards me slowly, holding a carving knife.

“I’ll make sure you never leave this house again, you miserable bastard! You are nothing without me!” She made to jump at me, twisting with the door opening. James shared my similar look of horror, taking her in as well as the mess.

“What the hell is going on?!” He shouted, bringing an arm up to protect himself in case she struck.

With her distracted, I grabbed the porcelain vase I had bought her and smashed it hard into her head. Kathy fell to the floor, blood oozing in steady streams from her skull. “Oh my God.” I whispered, kneeling down to her.

The front door slammed closed, James moving close to me. “Jesus! Did anyone else see that?” He peered through the blinds, making sure no one saw me murder my wife.

“James, I-I killed her! It was an accident!” My sobs got stronger, the weight of it all crushing me.

“Hey, it’s okay. You didn’t mean to. Hurry, we have to get her out of here.” He searched the house, grabbing trash bags, gloves, cleaning supplies, and duct tape.

I didn’t focus on what he was doing, letting him guide me to the car.

I jumped with someone shaking me. “Calm down! It’s me. You fell asleep. Come one, get out. I need your help.” James’s voice was quiet.

Blinking through my swollen left eye, I discovered the forest. How long was I out? I don’t remember even falling asleep. Looking at my hands, they were bloody. My head was pounding. What happened?

Following his directions, I helped James carry a large black trash bag. It was heavy, suspiciously heavy. “What, uh, what’s in the bag, James?” I asked as we walked further and further into the woods.

He eyed me, gaze roaming over my body. “Don’t you remember? What happened with you and Kathy?”

It instantly all came back, flashing through my mind. Suddenly my headache, bruised eye and ribs, and bloody hands made sense. I felt sick. I killed her. I had killed my wife.

“Hey, now. Don’t. I see your brain working, don’t think like that. It was in the heat of the moment. It was pure survival. You did nothing wrong. Come on, put her down here.”

I internally stumbled over the pronoun, her? Was she in this bag? “What are we doing?”

James began digging a hole, “We’re getting rid of her. Same thing I had to do for my sister’s ex-husband. The hard part is over. Come on, this won’t take very long.”

“James, no. This is wrong. I killed someone! We have to go to the police.” I tried, backing up a step.

“No, Nathan, listen to me. Domestic violence is a very real thing. It mostly affects women, yes, but men suffer from it, too. I know the police would lock you up for this. Maybe not murder, but involuntary manslaughter still carries jail time. And then this will haunt you the rest of your life. This is for the best. I promise.” He was digging, not even paused by my hesitance.

“So, what, we just leave her here?” My voice cracked, all of the emotions bubbling over in me.

“Yes. Now, hurry up.” He looked up at me, seeing I still hadn’t moved. Those eyes grew sad again. “You deserve to be free, Nathan. And, whether you planned for this or not, now you are finally free of her. You’re safe. You can be happy.”

I choked on another sob, grabbing the second shovel. As much as I hated it, he was right. I wouldn't need to worry about her mood swings anymore. I wouldn’t need to worry if I made the wrong meal for dinner or didn’t iron a shirt correctly. I wouldn't need to worry about hiding bruises or coming up with excuses. I was free. “We tell no one. Ever.”

He gave a small smile. “Agreed. Once this is done, we have the house to clean up.”

I whipped around towards the car, earring crunching on the gravel. “Who’s there?” I asked, hoping it was a rabbit or something.

James calmed me down. “Relax, I had to call someone to meet us out here. Like I said, this isn’t the first time this has happened to someone I care about.”