Too Modern to Taste

One of the interesting things about the creative types you’ll find on almost any website is that they tend to be that same way on most of their accessible platforms. Even when their handle happens to be a variable.

Lori was actually a great example, she was @LaurenB.Hornsey on twitter, Giggle_Physics578 on Pinterest, and simply LaBaHatihi on instagram.

She also had an account on Pattern review, but she kept that mostly for the Indi-Market lingerie, and Out-of-Print-Vogues.

Being so fluid on social media was nothing to spot for the algorithm, even less for someone who meant to stock her outright, but the illusion of anonymity was still something that she enjoyed. Even if it was erroneous to a majority of people with the time and energy to prove it false.

Still, that wasn’t really the start of her predicament.

Really the start was looking through pinterest and finding a link to a foreign language recipe blog she’d been neglecting for a while due to continued drama in the comment section. Something about a ‘failed ritual’, which she’s sure was mistranslated from the Russian language website.

Still it wasn’t really her business. So she went on to read the most recent piece. It was on a supposedly delicious confection, that is a brazil-nut and Kiwi ‘nebula’ yeast cake with a ‘Cloudy’ Tang Glaze.

Now being a bit ignorant about most things baked and good, she had to consult her ‘Aunty’ (no relation) on how to actually construct the concoction. Aunty promptly corrected her on that description of what a recipe is, though she didn’t go so far as to replace the word ‘construct’ for a supposedly more accurate word.

Anyway, that still isn’t the important part.

Well, maybe it should be but she wasn’t all that invested in her own impotence right now, okay? Alright, now for most people it would come off as odd to pull an idea off one platform and feed it onto another like it were your own with as little fanfare as Lori was planning, but that was mostly business, and really beyond referencing your source almost no one was going to get angry over the Creepy-Kiwi-Tang-Cake.

That and your work was unlikely to be noticed post-trend on a platform where it had been a big tadoo, the piece while new was about three days old and on an obscure platform.

That and while the ingredients were novel, the original blogging platform had a target audience of church going bakers and aged out gay nuns with good internet connections and very little interest in odd recipes with weird ingredients or getting themselves or anyone else internet famous.

That being said, she was also the kind of person that would buy a peck o’ kiwi’s, a bag o’ nuts and a pack of yeast she was going to use once. Though Aunty said she could use her starter instead because she really wanted to watch the madness.

Now this might not explain her results, but that’s not necessarily the point, she really couldn’t excuse buying only brazil nuts when she realized that that would be beyond her particular budget and that Aunty was allergic to them.

Yeah, she didn’t say anything about that, but Aunty wouldn’t die if they used almonds.

So she bought almonds.

Lucky them, the Kiwi’s were gonna be cooked either way so neither of them were going to die after trying their Cooked-Kiwi SourDough coffee-cake, hooray! She decided to stock up on allergy meds anyway ‘cause why not?

(And something nonspecific about riding the sunshine train on three benadryl and a bag of popsicle tubes.)

Anyway, there were still parts that were inconvenient for their limitations, like the glaze.

Aunty had told her outright that she wasn’t to use Tang in her kitchen for the glaze, as Tang powder comes presweetened and anything that can appropriately be called a glaze should contain powdered sugar and behave as the thinnest of frostings, rather than astronaut chow.

So Lori, without any ability to joke, chose a sugarless storebrand orange flavor aid that was about thirty cents cheaper than the kool aid right beside it.

Honestly, the look of the faux aid color once it was mixed in with the powdered sugar and the milk was just about dayglow, and really she didn’t want to eat it once she saw it, though it tasted fine. Though she’s still speaking out of order.

Really, she didn’t need to buy all that much taking into account Aunty’s kitchen supplies, though Lori did make a grocery run on account of being a nuisance, and wanting to make up for that.

Yeah, she might be an annoying fame hounding brat but she was at least willing to pay for it! haha!

Anyway, the actual dough was easy. Being a sweet dough, or in essence a “Sweet & Sour Dough” made it a fairly slowly metabolizing concoction. About a cup of Starter scraped into the mixing bowl, added to a slurry of flour water. The entire thing was pretty wet at first, though it set up just fine without much tending.

Aunty wouldn’t let Lori cut the Kiwi, since she would certainly try some and cause an allergy attack. This she knew not just from the much less traumatizing experience of Lori Sheepishly stealing from the cuttings for stir fry, and being a genuine nuisance when invited to sous Chef for parties and the like.

She could not be trusted. So instead she was set to nut duty. Cause you see, Lori is dumb, and didn’t realize that Almonds literally come pre-preped in every configuration and that she could’ve just looked a little to the left and found them sliced, quartered, crushed or floured if she’d been half awake when shopping.

Luckily she’d already stolen a hammer from her neighbor and was allowed to crush them that way. Since Aunty wasn’t gonna dull her blades with something like Almonds for what she could see from the get go would be at least a little horrid.

Over the course of eight hours they’d each managed to collect about seven videos and about thirteen pics relating to their stupid little experiment. 

Lori crushing nuts in a bag, Aunty cutting kiwi in increasingly bizarre shapes before simply dicing them for the filling. Even the dough was cataloged for posterity, and quite simply to terrify Lori’s followers.

By the end they’d gotten two loaves of a tan-ish sweet bread filled with what was essentially a Kiwi Jam butter and toasted nut mixture, that she learned was actually rather good with the fake Orange flavored Glaze.

Anyway, there weren’t that many things in their version that she could say were really part of the original recipe, and while most of that was in keeping with their health more than anything, that didn’t explain why the infernal if enjoyable concoction would dare speak to her during that thirty second video.