New Discoveries on the History of Dracula

The scientific tale of the origin of the worst villain of Transylvania,

 Count Dracula

     The search for Count Dracula’s precise place of birth, his actual birth, and his preconception records, led the story tellers to pursue historical and archeological explorations on these subjects. For millennia, efforts were invested in going back in time, researching antique findings and producing interesting scientific-fiction (or better called fictional-science) about this villain’s mysterious origins and past. The quality of the sources of information used nowadays in such historical research, and the information gathered from such sources, is detailed below. 

Introduction to contemporary historical research

 It is well known that in today’s social information networks, the boundary between fables and scientific truth has become something of a blurry nature. Therefore no one seems to care much anymore about proofs of “scientific evidence”, historical facts, logical deductions and correct syllogistic conclusions. Therefore, this “scientific fiction “, as discovered and released by anyone’s creative mind, can easily pass as all-encompassing truth, on the background of today’s reality.

As the story of certain aspects of Count Dracula’s life-after-death has become common lore through the popularity of Bram Stoker’s telling, only new, evidence based data discovered through the more recent scientific method known as “enough repetition ad nauseum in social media”, will be put forward. This new method has been well researched and demonstrated to influence a lot of minds. The old-fashioned strategies of book reading and reliable document search have been successfully replaced with the new “anything goes, you just need to say it enough times”. Nevertheless, in order to make things clear, in conducting this research, I did my best to collect all information provided through fictional truth, from all available oral sources. 

Below is the story and the newly obtained scientific evidence (through the new strategies described above) that shrouded this story in controversy, inaccuracies and fabrications. Please beware that things may follow quite unexpected pathways.

What is known about Count Dracula, his age and his early memories

The year was 7823. To God’s big surprise and unpredicted 5 millennia ago even by most prominent politicians (who actually prophesied and caused a lot of doom and gloom during the 3^rd millennium AD all over the world), the Planet Earth was still blue, when watched from deep space. At that time, Dracula, The Eternal, Grand Master of the Undead, world’s most famous and infamous vampire, was celebrating his 5672^nd birthday. Over 2000 years elapsed in seven days, from the initial hullabaloo, and until God was able to make some sense of the mess upon which He brought light. As before He invented the light it was completely dark, He had no idea of the extent of the disaster over which he was destined to remain in charge forever.

Some compared the initial state of matter to a soup, due to its boiling condition and resulting smells it was suspected to have emanated. After some time, God turned off the burner, thinking that the soup he prepared boiled enough. He then realized that not only planets, with mountains, valleys and oceans popped up from the bottom of the pot which He now called “The Universe”, but also He spotted among lots of lifeless things, a perfectly masculine, scary creature, which most of the time had a human look (the rest of the time he looked more like a bat).

At first, God wanted to call this creation Satan or Devil, but then He changed his mind as he preferred a more Wallachian tinge to the name, and therefore named him Dracula. It was soon discovered that this creature was a vampire and a member of the Nobility of that time, more specifically, a Count. The exact chronology of the choice of the name Dracula, and why this creature ended up in that part of the world is still unclear. However, there are indications that before the time of naming, God may have actually become familiar with Bram Stoker’s once famous tale.

The details of the conception and birth of the ferocious vampire are still vague. The act of procreation, the details of the couple that participated in the act, are still unclear (as is the reason for his transformation from human into a bat at certain times). It is suspected that the romantic act that brought Count Dracula into this world took place in a previously obscure region in the Carpathian Mountains, named Transylvania.

This was a shadowy land, with beautiful blue lakes and waterfalls hidden deep in the forests covering majestic mountains. That land had never known better times than the first decades of the 20^th century, when people from all over the world traveled there to meet and bring offerings to the well-known Vampire. The Count hastily grabbed those presents and set aside the ones that had some traces of blood left in them, such as dead chickens and stuffed newts. All other offerings, such as chocolate bars, fruit and vegetables found their way to the main drainage canal crossing Transylvania, in the most mysterious fashion (well wrapped in impermeable paper). What an exhilarating experience that must have been for the young (and old) local population, at the site of the river being flooded with such goodies, at a time when these were rather scarce in that part of the world.

             Dracula’s age was quite a bloody, mysterious business. Nobody, not even himself, knew precisely how old he was. And worse even, no proof of his birth could be found in any documents (other than speculations about the romantic act having been performed by whoever, or whatever may have been his parents). Historians suggested that his birth certificate drowned in the rather watery blood of his favorite species “Homo Pinkus Non Agilus”.

 Nevertheless, it is a fact that he was born. As for the old doctor that assisted at his birth, Dracula could recount with great delight (mixed with only one little bit of sorrow) the very moment when, under his babyish bite, the old man had been depleted of his last drop of life. Without his birth certificate and the old man being dead before he could write the chronicle of this historical birth, the Count’s age was based only on speculations. Certainly, he had lived for a long time, but being no ordinary (nor) man, Dracula retained his good memory over the centuries, and so he could recount with crystal clear precision the events surrounding the most prosperous time in Transylvanian history. However, even if in his historical tales the facts were slightly (or even grossly) misconstrued, there weren’t any of his contemporaries alive to discard or certify one truth for another. This was not only due to Count Dracula’s avid taste for blood, but also due to wars and expiration from natural causes. As for the historians, archeologists and anthropologists previously interested in studying the facts surrounding those times, they did not care much for the truth any longer.

When recounting stories of his youth, the famous Undead would tell with watery eyes (and mouth), how in exchange for the sweet presents he received, he showed at first immense kindness towards his visitors, among whom, members of Homo Pinkus Non-Agilus, his favorite species, were abundant. Behaving in such chivalrous a way, he could cover up his intentions to eat (drink) them, at the same time as cleverly advertising his beloved Transylvania, with its charming nature, mysterious castles, vampire stories and scary werewolves. At the end of long walks through the Carpathian forests, the Count would become extremely ravenous. His hunger was so great that he could easily devour three small ones, or one and a half bigger ones of his visitors, at once.   

With time, the bigger and more plump ones became harder to come by, due to an overwhelming fashion of losing weight, among the members of his preferred species. Therefore, he did not get as much food as he desired out of those skinny ones, which became prevalent now in his kingdom. Also, with time, fewer visitors arrived, as the rumor that he may be eating (drinking) them, seemed to be going around. Feeling bored and hungry, he decided to take up a new career.

After undergoing vocational counseling, he decided to set up a startup computer building company, hoping for a better income. And so, he became acquainted for the first time with all sorts of ancient, computer languages. And perhaps, following this change he did not have all the time he previously dedicated to such activities as jumping in and out of his friends’ coffins or doing rappelling on the walls of his castle, but started seriously considering a programmer’s carrier. As his earnings improved, he decided that it was the right time for him to settle down.

This marked the beginning of Dracula’s famous (or infamous) story of romance.

The social information networks publicized many times that throughout the centuries, Count Dracula acquired some more humanly emotions. This suspected change of heart was said to be due partly to his dislike of the new world, and partly due to hopes for the title of The Most- Original Batchelor Vampire in the Galaxy (a very original competition in itself when you come to think of it).