A year of ups and downs

I can’t really start to count the many ups and downs of this year. After all the many trials and errors, I was actually pleasantly surprised, where I ended up now, that all this was coming to an end.

1. The year started off pretty good. My job was not crazier than usual. I had it for quite some time now, it never was my favourite, but it was the only one I got and I had something warm on my plate every day and some extra money to put on the side.

But then, problems started to arise. Or to put it in different words; I got fired. It hit me quite suddenly, one day, I was working on a piece for a motor, I wanted to finish that day, which I did and the next day, i was without a job.

After that, my life started to take a turn for the worse. But first, now, that my job was gone, I had to find something else to do with my time. Which i did surprisingly fast.

2. I formed a band. Back in school, when I was six or seven, the other boys laughed at me for playing the violin, but now I was happy, that I did not quit for enough time to learn it quite decently and instead got some new friends.

New opportunities arose and I could convince my ex wife and my two daughters to start a band with me. We were a lovely string quartet and starting in the good old days, we were used to playing together.

But we were missing a singer. I had as much use for a singer, as any violinist, but my girls wouldn't have it any other way. A singer was not the only thing missing, though, because we were lacking harmony and our band, that was destined to fail right from the beginning fell into pieces. Pieces, that left me with

3. A house. I got the house mostly in order for our band to rehearse there and the loan I took out for it was far from being paid off. At the time, it second as living quarters for me and my band mates - or rather ex family - but now, that they moved out and renting out our former rehearsal space was turning out to be much more complicated than expected.

Now I was stuck with the house, in which I was forced to live way over my means. But the question of whether I could bring myself to move out and sell it, wasn't important, as I had no one to sell it to. That the house was starting to rot around every corner, because I couldn't bother checking that before I bought it was surely not aiding the process of selling.

At least, I had a roof over my head would be having that for quite some while now. Over mine and

4. My dogs head. Yes, I got a dog. My exes’ dog, to be exact. Because she could no longer take care of him and I "now had the time to". The only bright side to that was, that my children were now much happier to spend time with me. Or with their dog for that matter, but me and the dog, we were now just available as two. They were of course far from telling me that, mostly because they never told me anything.

The same could not be said for the dog, I decided to call him Hugo, he didn't really have a name before that. Talkative was a massive understatement and I spent a good amount of time to figure out how to keep him quiet at night. I figured, it would be cruel to lock Hugo away into the little rehearsing room and decided to go on a long walk instead. Maybe he got tired and would sleep through the night. He did, but not before the whole street got a concert for free. Not from me, that was.

Apart from that though, the dog was fine. Big, tough looking, but a softie on the inside. He would never hurt a fly. The problem? He was not very good with other dogs. They weren't flies, you see? He had a fight with the neighbours dog and got huge problems. Or rather, I got huge problems, because I was technically not allowed to keep a dog of his breed and was missing a licence for that. I wanted to do a good deed and hat unknowingly taken him in without much consideration. For me, this resulted in a big fine and for us, it meant separation.

The house was now empty, because with the dog, my children too, disappeared. The loss felt worse then never having had them. Of course.

5. It shouldn't have surprised me, they never were daddy's girls. Always closer to their mother and after we got divorced, they soon lost most contact to me. It wasn't until we started the band, that I became part of their life.

But during that time we had a really good relationship and getting Hugo in my life, helped a great deal with it. But now, I was, once again, left alone. I can't say, I wasn't hurt a great deal, when I realised, that the only interest they had in me, was our dog. And then, for the first time, I started asking myself the question, what my part in all of that was. How much of loosing my children was actually my own fault? How much of them, staying away from me, never talking to me was my fault? How much of them, only seeing me someone taking care of their beloved pets, was due to my own actions?

Was I the one, who put to much pressure on them? To be good at school? I started to figure out, that I might have come as only caring for good grades, showing effort and progress.

Finally, I managed to see, that by them, doing their best, they were trying to impress me too? Maybe getting up and getting though school as good as they were was good enough? That they didn't have to be any better than that? Me, telling them, I loved them will never get to them, when I just kept adding pressure. That day, I decided to live, what I preached and to show them I loved my two daughters, instead of just telling them.

That day, my life took a turn for the better.

6. I sold the house. Finally. It was a short lived pleasure to be living in and now I finally had enough money to live in a small apartment close to the city center. I was excited to be back in known surroundings again and trying to do better this time, I invited my kids to come and visit me, first thing after I got moved in.

The table was not yet brought here and the few boxes of stuff I had, were spread around my living quarters. But this was my new home and I wanted them to come and take a look for themselves.

I made an effort to not ask them about their academic performance, but rather how they were doing with their life. Were both of them still living with their mother? That I didn't know the answer to that question, made me realise, how estranged we had become. Hell, I was a really bad father. But I was going to change that. And I did. That day, I made the first step and many more were to come.

7. After many hard meetings of trying to impress them by my new fatherhood, I had finally begun, being a part of my children's life again. It definitely wasn't easy, but I persisted and now we were seeing each other once a week. Regularly.

I try to be the fun parent, go to the movies together, visit the library or just hang around in my apartment. It wasn't a lot, but we were taking progress and I am happy to get to know them. Or at least, know them better, than to know, that the older one played the viola and the younger one cello.

But it wasn't just me, ho got to know them, because they too, got to know be better, as a dad this time, rather than a band leader. At first, they were hesitant and I couldn't hold it against them. It took a little more getting used to each other, after I had been so absent these past years, but after a while, they started to warm up to me and the highlight of my year was getting invited to their concert in school. Well, almost the highlight, but we were getting to that. The concert was beautiful, never before had I seen any of them be so emerged into the music, they were playing than on this day.

It was also this concert, that inspired me, to start playing professionally again. Not just faking to, by starting a band, already knowing, deep down, that it was going to fail. Not just trying to find work, already knowing, I was going to come home, empty handed, but really getting on with my life.

Hearing them play on that stage made me switch my life around. I had started doing that by getting them back into my life, but now, I wanted to do more. That was the sole reason, I started

8. applying as a musician. Playing in bars, going to coffee shops and trying to play there, once a week to keep the guests happy. To my great surprise, it worked. I found a place, that let me play one afternoon a week for them. I didn't make a lot of money doing that, but it wasn't money, I was after. I had enough to live off, after selling the house, but sitting around at home all the time was not going to make me any happier.

Now, every week, I had something to look forward to, other then seeing my kids. A responsibility. To show up, to perform, to look like a decent human being and make at least a little bit of money.

Soon, I wasn't meeting my daughters in the libraries anymore but at the cafe, i was working at. I usually invited them to either lunch or dinner there, depending on the time. Sometimes, we would watch a movie afterwards or go to the zoo in the morning, before I had to go to work. Sometimes, just occasionally though, they stayed throughout the whole afternoon, when I was at the little cafe around the corner, listening to me, playing on my violin.

With them, being back in my life and me, and my continuous bad conscience, I got an idea.

9. I would be getting a dog. For real, this time. Now, I was done with taking unlimited care of someone else's dog, trying to manage my life around him. Now, I was getting my own. It was time for me to get a poodle.

I was done with big, old scary looking dogs and wanted a nice breed to contrast the last one. And I didn't wanted to be reminded of Hugo every time, I looked at my roommate.

When my kids saw the new, furry lady in my life, they burst out in laughter. But after the teasing was done, they started to like her and after a while the three of them were on their way to become best friends. She was a sweet one, after all, always ready to play, but never said no to getting cuddled either. The perfect dog.

And my daughters were happy too. Their faces lit up, when I asked them to take care of the dog, when I had to go to work or had other things to do. It was only their mother, who was very mad at me, asking me, if I had not learnt my lesson by loosing the last dog, her dog, but she didn't really have a say in this. And I now knew, how not to loose a dog. After a while, she arranged herself with the situation and even seemed to be happy, when our kids brought the dog over night.

Surprisingly, my new dog got us even closer together than we were before and she stopped, seeing me as the source of all her problems and misfortunes. I couldn't believe my eyes when I laid eyes on a letter, I got in the mail one day. I knew the letter from when we lived together and upon opening it, I could hardly contain my excitement.

10. In my hand, I was holding an invitation to the annual New Year's Eve party. They were famous around the whole family and from our time, living together I knew, that getting an invite was a great deal.

Maybe things were starting to turn around now and maybe, just maybe, we would someday be more than just the parents of our children again. But before that, I was off to the best day of the year.

Cheers!