Submitted to: Contest #43

Return of the Piper

Written in response to: "Write a story about someone who discovers a mysterious object in their home."

Kids

All families have secrets… don’t they?


Despite having a relatively normal childhood, Hayden often wondered if there were things that his family never told him about. Beyond the normal things that parents didn’t tell their children and the children didn’t want to know about, that was. It was his mother who seemed determined to not speak of whatever it was, but his father never questioned her weird behavior… or maybe it was only odd to him. Like… why was she so vehemently against him joining the band this year, especially when she found out that he had wanted to pick up the flute? One minute, she was hesitant and the next, she was digging her heels in. At first, he thought it was some stupid thing about it being a “girly” instrument. Some of the other kids at school had called it that, but he had a lot of proof against that idea. He had ended up settling for playing the flute during music class, but it was too short and busy to learn it, but it had to be enough. There were other odd little things, like not getting her to talk about where her side of the family came from even for school projects. They were minor things to him though. 


At the moment, the only thing on Hayden’s mind was was what snacks were in the kitchen and how to keep himself entertained while his parents were out for their monthly date night. To be fair, good for them in taking it, but they could have at least let him go over to his friend’s house for the evening. Ten minutes and a raid of the cabinets found Hayden with a bag of chips, perfect for eating while trying to keep busy. He had been restless for the last few weeks. His usual methods of keeping himself entertained (video games and movies) weren’t cutting it anymore. He puttered around the house hoping something jumped out at him. After making a circuit of the house and back into the kitchen, he resigned himself to watching tv. Maybe there would be a documentary or something on. He tossed the empty chip bag in the trash. As he turned, the cellar door caught his eye. It had become a silent agreement in the house that his father generally handled anything that required going down there. His mother and he hated the downstairs. Well, he did… his mother came across as more afraid. He didn’t like that there wasn’t much light, so it felt kind of claustrophobic. Not that there was much reason to go down there. It was just used for storage and the fuse box was down there, which was the only thing that made him go down. 


Shaking his head, Hayden turned away, going back into the living room. He watched mindlessly but kept glancing toward the kitchen. After two cooking shows and a weird commercial that he wasn’t entirely sure was allowed on the channel, he got up and headed back into the kitchen. He walked straight to the cellar door but stopped without opening it. He wasn’t entirely sure why he kept thinking about the cellar. He knew there wasn’t anything down there that they hadn’t put down there. It was full of old clothes, tools… the things that only saw the light of day a few times a year at most. Still, he couldn’t let go of the idea of going down there. He sighed and opened the door. It would be better to get it out of his system that way he could get back to… tv or something. He’d deal with that later. 


Hayden stepped down and reached out for the switch, taking a few tries before finding it in the darkness of the stairwell. The light from the kitchen did little to light more than the first step. The switch that was a hands width away was perpetually in darkness. The light flickered a few times before coming on, bringing light to the depths of the cellar. It was enough to make sure none of them would fall, but not nearly enough for his taste. He waited a moment for his eyes to adjust before descending into the cellar. As he expected, there were boxes stacked everywhere. Most of them were concentrated on the left side, as his father kept his tools and the things for taking care of them on the other side. His mother once said it helped keep their things from picking up the more pungent smells that came from when the lawnmower had to be stored down there. It wasn’t an overly large room, but he wouldn’t be able to touch any of the walls if he stood in the center. Thankfully, it was a mostly finished cellar so there were less… critters to surprise him as he walked over to the boxes. Very few of them were labeled. He had marked his things in some stupid attempt to make sure he could find them again. As if he would ever be interested in toys he had outgrown and clothes that should have been donated years ago. 


He shook his head, unsure of what he thought he would find. He moved one more box before giving up; even with nothing to do, he could still make better use of his time than going through their stuff. Getting up from the ground, he started stacking the boxes back in place. 


La La Lalala


Hayden stopped, dropping his hand to his pocket before realizing he had left his phone upstairs… weird. He could have sworn he had heard singing, and his phone was the only thing that would make that kind of music. He had clearly spent too much time downstairs and needed to get out of the cellar. He’d put the rest of the boxes away in a few days after he cleared his head. Not like anyone would notice for awhile. He walked back over to the stairs before stopping.


La Lala Lala


There it was again! Where was that singing coming from? He turned back around. Maybe there was a radio or something that still had batteries in it? Hayden took a quick look around, hoping that he could spot what had made the sound so he could turn it off and get out of there. He didn’t spot a radio though his eyes were drawn to the furthest spot in the cellar where the light didn’t really reach. He slowly walked into the gloom only stopping when his foot hit something solid. He knelt down and reached out until his hand brushed another box, only this one felt firm with cold metal along the edges. As his eyes adjusted a bit, he realized that the front of the box was latched with a simple turn knob. It was rough as he ran his hand over it and made him nervous to touch. His parents would trip if he messed up something that was obviously older than he was. Still…


He turned the knob and opened the box; the creak from the hinges echoed in the dark, making him jump. Taking a deep breath, he reached into the inky shadows that filled it until his hand brushed something smooth… cold. He wrapped his hand around it and lifted it out. A… flute? The wood, even in the dark, was darker than the wood of the box. There were few embellishments save for one at the bottom. Otherwise, it seemed plain, no metal or anything that he recognized from the flute the school had in their storeroom. No, this was simple… old. His hand curled around it, bringing the instrument up. He blew a single deep note that seemed to echo in his head. 


Hello, my Piper.


Somewhere through the fog of his mind, his mother screamed. 

Posted May 29, 2020
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6 likes 3 comments

Harry Mulligan
01:16 Jun 04, 2020

eh, I see the start of an idea. I got this story in an email encouraging me to critique others, and I think I'll tell you my most general problems with this.

- almost everything is told, not shown, especially if it was relevant to the premise. Mom is weird, but we're told she's weird before we experience any 'weirdness'. I didn't buy that a mom not talking about her past is weird. there are many explanations to privacy like regret, profanity, amnesia, embarrassment. We never see how it effects her emotionally, and there's no implied backstory other than her vague scream at the end, so we don't know or care why. the basement is cold because we are told so, not because Haydn reacts. it could give him goosebumps, then the reader gets goosebumps. it could trigger a suppressed emotion or memory, but he goes because he hears something and he's bored.
- What does Hayden want? it's a risk to outright say he's so normal in the beginning. if he's the straight man who want's nothing, the story should've been about the mom. also, There could be a variety of reasons not to pick the flute for band: he could like other instruments, there could be a conflicting class he'd rather take, he's insecure about his musical ability, etc. even after all that, he still 'settles' for the flute. why? his mom shouldn't want him to even play a non-magical flute (unless it doesn't matter). why did he change his mind? did he change his mind? was he lying? if so, when was he lying? if he doesn't want anything, why does he look for the flute? if it's out of boredom (he's doing boring things and not reacting to them) and nothing stops him, the reader becomes bored. he may have heard something in the basement, but the reader hears nothing, so they'll stop reading. he doesn't want to feel anything, and all he really wanted was snacks, and he got them.
-Everything I know about Haydn is spoiled in the title. It even makes the first sentence and a half irrelevant. it should've started with "Haydn often wondered" and ditched all before it. Even then we know there are things his family didn't tell them. attempts at treating the basement like a character falls flat because we know he's the piper already and that's where his 'pipe' is because he hears singing.
-(also why does he hear singing? he plays the flute, and you can't sing and play the flute at the same time. is the Flute a character? why would the flute being a character change the outcome or not? i suggest making him here the flute itself, but then he'd probably want to play the flute in band really badly)
- with no motivation from Haydn, mom, or dad (i mean, it could've been a one parent household after all that), no consequences to any actions, and the only reason to keep reading being the fulfillment of the title, there's not really a story yet, and therefore no emotional journey. there's no conflict for the reader because we know who he is, and the pied piper is has not always been depicted as a child stealer or murderer. Sure, the parents are trying to keep him from it, but other than keeping the flute in the basement, there's no established stakes. i'm assuming they're afraid because it ends in a scream, but was it taken away because he was punished? what's going to happen when he gets it? do the parents even care? in what way did they communicate this to him? finding the flute seems to hold no symbology, consequence, or motivation in the story. i mean, the boy and his mom seemed to mutually agree not to go into the basement. why would he be curious if he's such a normal child? i know you said he's indecisive and normal, but if he's normal, why would it matter if a normal kid get's the magic flute? shouldn't he have personality quirks?. Also, loving parental relationships are so open. is there no resentment over keeping it a secret? had the boy had the flute already? again, when he gets it what's he going to do with it? it seems like he's not going to do anything with it because he doesn't like the flute, but also because he doesn't want anything. what does he want? is he controlling, but feels helpless? that would make sense, but it never comes up.

I dunno, i think the story should either be a more tense moment. why did the parents leave if they care so much about keeping him from it? of course he's going to find the magic talking flute. better yet, start it at the end, when he gets it, and the parents come home. At least there would be the goal of retrieving the flute.

check out my story, see what you think, feel free to tell me what's wrong too. i see the love of the craft in your writing, but there needs to me more purposeful and expressive action.

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Sandeep T
04:08 Jun 03, 2020

It's coool, wish there was something more in the middle about the flute, some special sentence.. Haha I don't really know.. But I just wanted to share if it makes any sense. God speed.

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Laura Landau
22:15 Jun 03, 2020

I understand what you meant. Looking back, I could have definitely written a bit more about the flute. I think somewhere in my head, I was thinking this could be part of a larger story where it would expand more as part of it. Thanks for the input.

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