Why aren’t you at work?

Hurry up! Hurry up! Where are you? You’re supposed to be here by now! You’re never late! What on earths going on?

You better hurry up, I mean it.  There’s going to be an accident in here any minute.

Seriously, come on.  Just how long do you think a dogs bladder can hold out for?

Wait a minute, here you are, but you aren’t dressed yet? Come on, you’ve got to go to work in a bit and we still need breakfast here!

How long does it take a person to open the door?

Yessssss, get my breakfast while I go tend the garden.  I promise not to trample the geraniums this time, I remember how cross you got with me last time.  Remember, I really like those biscuits in that cupboard over there.  And obviously I’ll help you with your toast, so you can get dressed quicker.  We’ve got to get to that park, there’s that really cute little spaniel we see.  And this time, say more than ‘how yer’ to her owner, give me a chance to give her a proper greeting!  No, I won’t embarrass you this time, the chihuahua was a mistake, we agreed on that!

Thanks pal, I REALLY needed that, tomorrow don’t leave it so late though! Ah, my breakfast! Doesn’t seem as much as usual though, whys that? I don’t need to diet! The vet got it wrong, they don’t know everything! I mean, how’s this supposed to last me till the evening? Oh it smells so good though! I’ll eat it really fast, then you might get me more.

Ok ok, so I’m not getting anymore. How about you get dressed now? Please? I really need to get my exercise in, you know, so you’re justified getting me a couple of those chews you keep in the drawer?

Wait, you’re putting your shoes on already? With those old jogging pants? I thought they were pyjamas! Come on man, you’re going to embarrass me out there, I mean seriously..... oh wait, yep, that’s my leash, never mind, I’ll let you be seen with me like that, no matter!

Wait, where are you going? The parks this way! That ways boring, there’s nothing nice to smell that way!  Nope, you can’t make me, see, I’ll just sit down here. Ha! Not so fast now are you? 

I’m glad you see my reasoning.  The park is much better for an early morning stroll.  Ooh, I’m just going to check out that tree, you can wait here and check out your phone for a bit.  I might actually, you know, spend a bit of time there.  Have you got one of those bags in your pocket?

No wait, never mind, I’ll do that later.  It’s funny waiting for someone to be around, I like it when they glare at you until you pull those bags out, it’s like something off challenge tv! I like that channel. Obstacle courses.  Like those on those talent shows with all those dogs.  I could do that by the way. I don’t know why you don’t sign us up.  I’d run about if you gave me all those treats.  Maybe not in the right way, but it doesn’t matter, people always say Brits love dogs.  Silly. Surely everyone loves dogs.

I see her, I see her! What’s taking you so long? You’re usually much faster than this! Don’t blame me if you’re late, that responsibility isn’t mine.

Hi ma’am, lovely day isn’t it? Don’t mind him, he isn’t really trying to drag me away, I think I should give him a chance to speak to your owner don’t you? Oh no, wait, don’t sit down! That’s not fair! I only wanted to say hello! Ok ok, I’m going, I can tell I’m getting ‘the glare’ from him.  NOW he’s trying not to be late.  That was an eye roll by the way, I’m not rabid!

Ok ok I’m coming! Wait, is that that guy up ahead? ‘Park keeper’ you called him right? You want to say hi? I can get him to come over! Look, I’ll just squat here, and he’ll come running over. See, I told you it would work!

Right, we’re home. So you’re off to work now, yes?  No, wait, why’s the laptop coming out? That’s for playing games tonight isn’t it? Oh are you going to watch those shows again? I thought the lady was nice on the last one.  You kept grunting at her though.  I bet she didn’t think you were very nice.

We’re having a cup of tea? This seems a funny time for one.  Yes, I’m listening, I’ll go and lay down.  It doesn’t have to be for long though right?

Well, I WAS having a nice nap but your phone woke me up.  Was it anyone interesting? Oh it’s ringing again? Can I see? I promise I won’t try and lick it this time. Yes, I’ll stop barking! I’m sure you can hear them really.  I can and I’m not even trying.  They might want to say hello to me too you know.  No I’m not trying to sit on your knee. Well, not really.  I just wanted to be a little bit closer, you know? Your lap just looked so comfy for a moment.  You used to let me. I’m not too big now, if I just put my paws here, and move that leg there....SEE! I DO STILL FIT! 

Of course you can still reach the laptop.  You can put it on the sofa, next to us.  Oh, look at all those little boxes with the people inside.  Are they talking to us? Oh that mans wearing a suit, like you usually do.  You’ve only got your shirt on, it looks funny with those jogging bottoms.  Wait, why are you moving the camera? You can’t see me on there now, only your face? That doesn’t seem fair, I heard that other man call me a nice dog.  He’d probably prefer to see me than listen to that boring talking.  You’re not even discussing food, just some virus.  If I leave you alone, can I get a chew?

Oh good, you’re back! Can I go out into the garden? Please? I know it’s raining, I can see, but I don’t mind. I’ll stay out there for a bit so you can keep using your laptop.  I promise.

It’s raining. I’m wet. Let me in.

Thank you! Hold on, I just need to dry myself.  Look I can do it myself, I don’t need your towel.  See? I just shake....like this.....ta da! I bet you wish you could do this! Imagine how quick you’d be after a bath! Nope, those muddy footprints aren’t mine.  They must be yours.  How you do know yours don’t look like paw prints? Maybe you don’t pay close attention.  Hey, now you’re in the kitchen, can we get some food? I still have puppy dog eyes? Well that’s nice of you to say, I thought I was a bit older than that but...oh, it worked, must remember that the eyes still have it.  

You’re going back to the laptop? Really? But I thought of a really cool game we could play.  Look, I found the BEST stick ever.  It’s not wet. Well, not really. Well, maybe a bit of drool, but what’s drool between friends? I’ll just put it here, on this paper...WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS WORK STUFF? YOU NEVER SAID! It’s not smudged too much.  I’m sure you can still read it.  No, I don’t think boss will mind.  Shall I fetch the ball instead?

I’m bored.  I might go yap at your neighbour for a bit.

Surely it’s time for another walk? I can reach the leash.  I’ll bring it to you.  Yes, it’s more drool, I really don’t know why you have an issue with the stuff.  I’ll be good this time, we can go the boring way.  You can go get your newspaper.  But make sure that nice shop person comes out to say hello.  You don’t see it, but she gives me a treat when I’m sat there.  

Now, I know I said there was no nice smells going this way, but I’ve just thought of something. Other dogs might think the same, so I’m just going to lift my leg here, against this lamppost...wait, stop pulling on the leash! I’m weeing here! Do you WANT me to get it all over my feet? You moaned about mud, can’t imagine you’d find this any better on the floor.  

Yes yes, I get it, it’s bedtime.  I don’t think I should sleep down here tonight though.  You might be lonely, you haven’t seen the people you’ve worked with today, I can keep you company instead. Oh, I’ll try those puppy eyes again! Yes of course I’ll lay on your floor.  But it’s such a big bed, are you sure you don’t want me in there? Look how good I can cuddle up to you! I haven’t got all the blankets, I’ve only got these I’m laying on, you must be mistaken.  I can’t help not being able to brush my teeth, just because yours smell all minty.  Nobody’s perfect.

I don’t snore.  You snore.  Well ok, maybe I do, a bit.  But your hearing isn’t that good anyway so I don’t see how it matters.

Wait, did you say you’re home again tomorrow? Does that mean we get to do all this again?