Just One Step

Christina Landon leaned over the edge of the roof of the highrise hotel and looked down at the brightly lit street below. She opened her teal cigarette case and pulled one out; putting it to her lips she lit it. She took a deep drag and let the smoke out slowly. Her brain was fuzzy from all the martinis and the random drugs she had taken; her head was spinning and her thoughts were dizzy. She’d come up to the roof to get some air and smoke. 

    “Screw  it.” Christina said and climbed up on the ledge; dangling her feet over the side of the building. She continued to look down and watched the people walking to and fro. She wondered about them; what they were doing, where they were going, who they were. That led her to think about herself; who was she?

    She was Tina Land, damnit; the hottest new musical super star on the scene today. People said she had the voice of an angel. She should, she thought, she’d been in training her whole life. In her family music was just as important as breathing. Her father wrote jingles which her mother sang in commercials. They pushed hard for their children to find their own musical talents. Her older brother excelled in drumming and her sister in the piano.

    Christina’s talent for singing was discovered at the age of three when she began harmonizing with her mother’s lullabies. She was given lessons and voice coaches; anything they thought might help nurture her gift. It was demanded that she join the church and school choir for the practice. 

    It was a school talent show that changed her life. Christina had begged her family to perform with her and they readily agreed; her father even wrote a special song for the evening. Who could have ever guessed that someone’s record producing uncle would have been in attendance. He fell in love with Christina at the sound of her voice. The Landon family, of course, won the competition; they’d blown everyone away. Richard Kauffman had come up to them as they were loading their van and promised to make them all stars. Who could pass up something like that.

    So they became Landslide, with Christina as the lead vocalist. It’s said that music is a tough business to break into, but that wasn’t the case for the Landons. Landslide exploded overnight and Christina became the new it girl at just sixteen. Doors opened wherever she went. She was on top of the world and the charts; three years later it seemed she still was. Her family had never been happier, but it was all starting to weigh on her.

    She lived her life under a microscope and her parent’s thumb. As the face of the band, she was expected to be perfect. Her parents ensured that she was; they had to approve her clothes, appearances, outings, and friends; of which she had none. Mom and Dad thought she was better off just hanging out with her siblings. And she definitely wasn’t allowed to date; her parents wanted to avoid that drama altogether. So at the age of eighteen, she’d never even been kissed.

    Christina lit another cigarette. Her parents would kill her if they caught her smoking, so she’d become an expert at hiding it; she hid a lot from them. Taking a drag, she sighed.

    They’d just started allowing her to go to celebrity VIP parties, with the whole family in attendance of course. But even under their watchful eyes Christina experimented with designer drugs and alcohol, which were extremely easy to come by. Celebrities you would never imagine offered her more drugs than she could count, and she took them. She’d wait until her parents and siblings were completely engrossed in the party and then slip off for awhile just to unwind. The pressure of trying to keep up a perfect appearance was getting to be too much for her. She felt responsible for her entire family. Without her, what would they be?

    It wasn’t conciete that led her to that thought, it was worry. Her life seemed like it wasn’t her own. The money and fame were great, but what price did they come with? The stress of it all was causing her to have severe anxiety and depression. The worse she felt, the more she self medicated; which led her to the very ledge she now sat on. She flicked away her cigarette butt and lit another.

    A few months ago, on her nineteenth birthday, her parents had thrown her a huge party. Anyone who was anyone was there, it seemed. The whole thing was overwhelming for Christina. “Friends” were secretly passing her pills and bumps as they hugged her and slipping her drinks when her parents were otherwise occupied. She could remember dancing with a lot of different people. Somehow she ended up in the pool house losing her virginity to a man she couldn’t remember; the whole night was a blur. 

    Now here she sat, pregnant and alone, not even knowing who her baby’s father was. The tabloids were going to have a field day with this. It would almost definitely ruin her career. She was a disgrace to her family; they’d probably disown her. What was she going to do? She stood up, wobbly on the ledge and stumbled. She righted herself and again looked down at the street.

    “Just one step.” She said aloud. Just one step and it would all be over; all the pressure, expectations, loneliness, and pain would be gone. 

    “Tina what the hell do you think you’re doing up there?” Her mother called out and she turned to face her. “Get down. Now!”

    “Hello Mom.” Her voice was low and slightly slurred as she stood there staring at the other woman.

    “I said get down. You’re going to embarrass us.” Christina laughed at her mother’s statement.

    “I already did.”

    “What are you talking about? Get down Tina.” Her mother rushed over to her and grabbed her arm to pull her off the ledge. Christina jerked her hand away and stumbled again.

    “I did something terrible. I ruined everything.” There were tears running down her cheeks.

    “Get down and we’ll talk about this at home. You need to come back to the party and network.” Her mother let out an exasperated sigh. 

    “I can’t do that. I can’t do any of this anymore.” Christina shook her head.

    “You selfish little brat.” Her mother spat at her. “This isn’t about you. You need to suck it up and get back downstairs. Now!” Christina shook her head.

    “I have to tell you something.”

    “Save it for when we get home. This is not the time or place.” Her mother’s voice was hard and angry.

    “I’m pregnant.” Christina blurted out.

    “What did you say?” Her mother’s eyes widened in shock and then narrowed on her. “You little whore. By whom?” 

    “I’m not sure.” There was a tremble in her voice.

    “What do you mean you’re not sure? How many guys have you been with behind our backs?”

    “It’s not like that. I got really messed up at my birthday party and slept with someone I was dancing with all night, but that’s all I can remember.” She was sobbing now and all she wanted was for her mother to pull her into her arms and tell her that it would all be okay. Instead, her mother pulled her roughly down and slapped her hard across the face.

    “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Another slap. “How could you do this to us?” She grabbed her daughter’s arms, nails digging painfully into her flesh, and shook her.

    “I’m sorry Mama.” Christina cried. Her mother pushed her away and she fell.

    “I can’t even look at you right now.” Her mother said in disgust and turned her back on Christina. “I’m going to get your father and then we’re leaving. You have ten minutes to compose yourself.” She walked away muttering about what a disappointment Christina was.

    Christina stood slowly and then hoisted herself up so that she was again sitting on the ledge. She put her head in her hands and let it all out. Her makeup and dress were both ruined. She wondered how her mother thought they could get out of here without anyone noticing. Her mother had reacted just as she’d expected; nothing was more important than the music and the band. She knew her father would react the same way. She couldn’t believe this was happening to her. She longed for the time when she was just a normal teenager who could make mistakes. Sometimes, like tonight, she cursed herself for entering that talent show. It had ruined her life, no, it had taken her life, she thought. She just couldn’t do this anymore, it was all too much. She stood up, closed her eyes, and took the step.