GREY GHOSTS

Warm… strong, warm and excruciating light, that is what I feel. Dear Diary, I’m writing to you as usual, on my favorite chair, now old and hard on my back, crouched on my desk attempting to avoid the sunset. Damn, who invented it? Horizontal light, you can’t save yourself from it, it may be a loving couple’s dream but to me, I just hate it. It’s like a never ending nightmare, a ghost that locked onto you and won’t stop staring until your defenses are down and it can pry into your souls and innermost thoughts to judge and condemn.

My old friend, let me be honest, I don’t know what to tell you today. I had some job-related challenges to face, some people to discuss events with, I had my meals and watched some fun series. You know, the usual, I like to keep myself busy!! There is no feeling that bests a job well-done, or a productive day. I’m not workaholic. Ok maybe a little. I may be. But that’s just because it’s fun! I already told you many times, I don’t want to work for the sake of working, but I simply love what I do so much that it fills my free time too.

But…

Today, it didn’t feel right.

I don’t know how to explain it, it’s as if the world lost its magic.

I always spend my days to the fullest to be left in awe by whatever I can find on my way, so it’s so much more of a setback for me. Have you ever felt the world being… empty?

The world… being grey? Like, infested by grey ghosts that steal color and empathy.

I must be mad, asking metaphysical questions to a book! Moreover, a diary, as to say, a fake fabrication of my mind made up to please and support me. Oh if I would like you to be real!

…maybe you would help me fend off this damned sunset light.

Sorry, I didn’t want to offend you. You may be a fabrication, but still, to me you are a friend.

Did I tell you… or not… thoughts are intertwined so much I can’t even distinguish between what I told you and what I thought. I don’t know why she left. Maybe it’s for something I said, maybe it’s for something I did. She had some problems in her life… problems to sort out. By herself, this time. Never met a stronger woman!! Did you? Sincerely, that was amazing. You know me, I’m just so uninterested in the outside world, a person that peaks my interest is surely worth a look.

But. Guess it, words are difficult. My friend, I can’t even tell you something straight, how could I make a conversation with another human “work”?

Anyway, let’s cut the chase: I don’t want to bore you with thoughts even I don’t understand. Tell me, is it my fault? But more importantly, what does it mean when the world just “fades” around you? Maybe I should invent something, a “special permanent marker to color the world”? Archimedes would have done that. Oh, not THAT one, I mean Archimedes the friend of Paperon the Paperoni, Scrooge McDuck! The richest duck in the world, Mickey Mouse family, does it ring a bell?

Well, it would be fun to be able to invent and develop such dreamy things.

You know what comes to my mind? The fox of Saint-Exupéry. She even told the little Prince about taming, every one of us will surely nod and even explain taming, but no one will actually think about being tamed, and of course even less would think about what would come next, as the fox said. That said, let’s be honest: even if you knew, would you really want to stop the process? I think… I would not.

Well, maybe if I think about it, I feel like I may have the chance that she will come back. Maybe… not today, not tomorrow. But if I don’t lose hope, if I create my own color to share when the time will come - if only I had one back then!!! Maybe… stop reminiscing. You know why I like you? You never interrupt me! But still I can’t just blab on and on, I have to act. World is good, world is fine because others make it worth it for you, but… I am starting to believe that one day, THE day comes: the day when you realize that you can make the world worth it for others too, because it’s more fun if everyone contributes. I don’t know, maybe I’m just trying to find an excuse - No, I believe in it, it’s much more fun together. If you take blue, it’s fun to play with a blue world, but if I also take green… then we can have much more fun and possibilities.

Ah, maybe I’m just having hallucinations, it’s the joy and fresh energy of the moon, the joy of an ended sunset, one less to see, one less to thrive through.

But then, what if she really comes back? What if - what if “yes”. Maybe life should be lived in that hope, maybe that negative approach I started this letter with, was actually just ghosts of my mind haunting my world. Those grey ghosts… Damn, how could I not realize I was being haunted myself! Don’t ever tell someone I got lost for a little into a grey ghost nightmare!! I will fight them, and I will win.

….what face would I have if I didn’t, when I will have her again?

I even feel warmer, you know? It’s as if I am being showered in pure energy, I feel like I could take on the world. I have friends. I have family, I have Ohana. Have you ever felt a giant, my dear friend and confessor, have you ever felt that you had so many strong hands holding you from behind, that nothing could push you back? It’s… nice.

Oh, that’s a real surprise: you know what’s up? Apparently, I wrote to you all night long, cause that damned Sun is up again. But guess what, it’s actually quite good if you let yourself be cuddled by it.

Maybe… all we need in life is to “let go” a little more. I won’t. It takes time to change… but I guess I may allow myself, just this once, to indulge a little. I’m here on my dear favorite chair which I would never change for another, I may let myself loose a little, it’s so soft.

Don’t tell anyone, dear Diary. This one sunrise is an exception. I am not the type to accept such free warm hugs from just anyone…

…maybe. Look Look Look friend, the red… the orange… the yellow…