Swipe Right

‘Left, right, left, right’.

Jaya swiped through the online profiles, with the militance of a pint-sized army general, taking no longer than a few seconds to assess each potential match. I had to admire my housemate’s efficiency as she trawled through a catalogue of topless selfies and people looking for ‘someone to share adventures with’. Jaya – phone in one hand, glass of wine in the other – took no prisoners.

‘This one loves travelling and food’, Jaya laughed, ‘could be a match, Lucy?’

‘I love food too’, I agreed, my mouth stuffed with cold pizza.

Swipe right.

The next ten profiles also claimed to love travelling and food. Although it’s not really such a coincidence in a society where most people tend to prefer go on holiday and eat things rather than not.

Swipe left.

After a string of disappointing dates, Jaya and I had decided that this year, instead of celebrating Valentine’s Day, we would hold our own, ‘Gal’entine’s Day at home this year. ‘Gal’entine’s Day had so far consisted of pyjamas, takeaway pizza, a feel-good movie and a lot of wine! I had to admit, it was one of the best Valentine’s Days I’d ever had, but as the evening went on we’d inevitability turned our attention to dating sites.

‘Into banter’, ‘loves a dry sense of humour’ some profiles boasted. Code for ‘if you don’t think I’m funny, then you’re obviously just not smart enough to get me’, Jaya joked.

Swipe left.

After a while, each profile started to look the same. They were all so typical in their efforts to be atypical. ‘I’m smart, I’m interesting. I’m funny’ they all screamed ‘not your average guy, date me, date me, date me’.

Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left.

And then suddenly from between the crowd of gym selfies and holiday snaps, I found myself staring into a pair of familiar blue eyes. Someone who wasn’t your ‘average guy’. My thumb hovered on the screen for a split second longer than usual before it flicked through the rest of his photos. Could it really be him?

*****

Jason loves travelling and music, but of course I already knew that. His face was more lined since I knew him at school, and his hair was thinner, but the confident smile was unmistakeable. I was instantly transported back to my school prom night fifteen years ago and the sound of Green Day floating in the balmy summer air.

I had regretted my dress choice – when I’d begged my mum to buy it for me I’d been convinced that the long, floor-length gown would transform me from a social peasant into a princess. But when I arrived, I realised that most of the other girls were wearing short little mini-skirts and tight strapless tops that drew attention to their curves and even tans.

‘Look, Lucy’s come dressed as nun,’ Melissa from geography class sniggered to her friends within earshot.

Not only was the dress unflattering and difficult to dance in, it was also hot. Really hot. The summer heat, combined with the airless dance hall, meant that the fabric sweated and stuck to my skin. The hall was packed and people elbowed each other on the dancefloor in what faintly resembled dancing. Every time someone attempted to move in time with the music, beer sloshed over my shoulders, arms and hair. Technically alcohol was forbidden but when did that ever stop a group of adolescents on the brink of adulthood and freedom? I couldn’t take any more. I had to escape outside for some fresh air.

I found a quiet spot just around the corner from the dance hall, the cool floral scents and lilting evening birdsong was a pleasant contrast to the thumping music and stale smell of beer inside. I savoured a few moments sanctuary from the chaos, and looked out on to the school playing fields, which were burnt orange in the setting sun. I breathed in deeply.

‘You got a light?’

I hadn’t noticed that someone had joined me, and was abashed to see that my tall, blonde companion, was none other than Jason Winters. Jason was in my English class, and I had sat two rows behind him every Tuesday and Thursday for the past two years. Cool, confident, with eyes the colour of cornflowers, Jason was one of the most popular boys in school. He was on all the sports teams, in the band and only dated the prettiest girls.

Of course he had never spoken to me.

I shook my head.

He grinned, displaying a perfect mouth of even white teeth.

‘Man… I’m hammered… are you hammered?’

I was so stone cold sober but I found myself agreeing. ‘Hammered. Yeah… err… so drunk’.

Jason leaned into me, giving me his full attention. I could smell the musky scent of his aftershave. It was all I do not to shy away like a scared animal. In truth, I didn’t fancy my chances of running away very quickly in this dress.

‘I know you don’t I? You’re in my English class’.

I couldn’t believe it. Jason knew who I was!

‘Clever aren’t you?’ he said. ‘Straight A type’.

‘Oh no....’ I didn’t want Jason thinking I was clever. I wanted him to think I was cool and fun.

‘I know how to have fun’ I lied.

Jason laughed out loud, his perfect blue eyes creasing at the edges. ‘Yeah I bet!’

‘I expect you’re going to college aren’t you?’ he asked.

I nodded. ‘You?’

‘Not me… There’s the band to focus on. And I have an uncle in Australia. I’ll probably stay with him and do some travelling. See the world’.

All of a sudden, my college plans seemed dull and mundane in comparison. 

There was an awkward pause.

‘Nice dress’.

I blushed. Was he mocking me?

Jason must have realised he’d hit a nerve.

‘No really – it’s very…. what do you call it? …sophisticated’. He looked proud of himself, pleased that he’d managed to use so many syllables in one sentence. ‘That’s the word – sophisticated’.

I smiled dumbly, and then Jason reached his left arm around my back, and looked into my eyes.

He’s going to kiss me, I thought. No – surely not.

But he did.

He tasted of beer and cigarettes, and I closed my eyes hardly daring to believe what was happening.

When I opened them he had gone. Later that night I saw him dancing with Melissa from geography.

*****

‘Someone you like?’ Jaya jolted me back to reality.

 ‘No not really’, I shrugged. ‘Just this guy I went to school with’.

‘Is he fit?’ Jaya is not known for her subtlety.

 I’m surprised he’s on here. I wouldn’t have thought he’d ever struggle to find a date’.

 ‘Well, we’re on here – and we are catches!’ Jaya rolled her eyes, making me laugh. ‘Have you matched?’

‘I haven’t swiped – should I?’

‘Why not?’

‘The thing is… this guy… he’s kind of out of my league’.

‘What?’ Jaya was incredulous.

‘He was in a band at school, and he was really popular’.

Jaya shakes her head at me as though I’m speaking a foreign language. But she doesn’t understand the way Jason’s eyes light up in the setting sun, or his strong arms and musky scent. I remembered the confidence in his voice when he talked about the band and travelling the world. He had such energy and determination. It was a special, magical night, and I was sure that he remembered it too even though we’d never spoken after the kiss. My first ever kiss. I was so grateful it had been with him.

‘Just swipe right already!’ Jaya ordered, back in soldier mode.

‘It will never be a match’.

‘Just swipe right’.

Swipe right.

It’s a match.

Moonbeams start to dance in my eyes, and I hold my breath not daring to hope. But maybe, just maybe…

*****

And so, just like that, the impossible has come to pass. I’m going on a date with Jason! I wait in the bar for him to arrive, and try to resist the urge to check my lipstick for the fifth time. He's twenty minutes late.

Perhaps he’s not coming and it’s one big joke. Melissa from geography is probably in on it too. .

Conscious of not wanting to look like a nun this time I’d opted for a short electric-blue dress and wedges. The online conversation between us had been minimal but I’d already played out a dozen different scenarios in my head since we matched – sometimes he’d recognise me, sometimes he wouldn’t. But they all ended with us both confessing our true feelings underneath the same sunset sky from fifteen years ago. ‘I’ve never forgotten you, Lucy…’

I’m yanked out of my reverie as the real Jason walks through the door.

‘Hi, I’m Lucy’. I smile and look for the glimmer of recognition in his eyes. Nothing.

‘Jason’.

We both order drinks and find a table. He’s lost weight but still looks good, although I’m a little conscious of the smell of stale cigarette smoke which hangs around him like a cloud.

‘Nice dress – very sophisticated,’ he says. Surely he remembers? Is that a clue? ‘So what do you do Lucy?’

I jump at the opportunity to express how well I’ve done for myself since school whilst trying not to appear too self-satisfied. But, as I tell him about my job, Jason’s blank eyes waver towards the bar. I’m boring him, I panic. I should ask him about himself.

‘And you Jason?’

‘Oh me….’ Jason opens his arms out in a depreciative gesture, ‘Well… it’s a bit complicated. I do work, but… well it’s not straightforward is what I’m saying’.

I pause in confusion. How can it not be straightforward? Surely you either work or you don’t – how can there be an in-between?

‘I was working on a construction site’ he explains, filling the silence. ‘I had a run in with the manager there. I was late in a couple of times but he was a real piece of work and so I gave him my mind. Everyone else said I had the right of it, but didn’t have the guts to walk out. Cowards’.

Or they didn’t want to lose their jobs too, I wonder. But all I said was, ‘oh how terrible, how are you coping for money?’

‘Well … I live with my Dad and so luckily I don’t have too many expenses. I’m saving to go to Australia’.

‘Australia?’ I almost wince.

‘Yeah I have an uncle out there’.

‘But I thought’… I stop.

I can’t tell Jason what I thought. That I thought that he would have already travelled the world by now, that I’m bewildered that we’re having almost the same conversation that we had fifteen years ago. It’s like time has stood still.

I try to recover my sentence before I realise that Jason hasn’t even noticed I’m not speaking. He’s not listening to me. Instead, he’s launched into a detailed description of his band. He’s still in a band?

‘I mean we haven’t made it big yet but it’s only a matter of time’. Jason is animated, waving his hands as he talks. ‘As lead guitarist I was thinking of getting my fingers insured as potentially they could be worth quite a lot of money one day’.

Jason talks about his band for ten minutes without interruption – he also tells me about the gigs, the parties and the many, many drunken exploits of his mates. I can’t believe it. I finally get to go on the date I’ve been dreaming of since I was sixteen years old – only to find that I am, in fact, on a date with a sixteen year old. Jason hasn’t changed at all.

I give up and as soon as Jason pauses for breath, I jump in.

’You don’t remember me do you?’ Jason’s forehead wrinkles in satisfying confusion.

‘We went to school together’, I explain.

‘Ah man – I was with a lot of girls at school’. He grins, proud of himself. ‘Ah… you weren’t the one where we… you know… in the science lab?’

He doesn’t wait for an answer but takes a large gulp of beer and belches shamelessly.

What did I ever see in this guy?

*****

‘Good date?’ Jaya asks when I walk through the front door, but one look at my face and she knows everything. She reaches in the fridge for the bottle of wine which is on standby for occasions like these. Every girl needs a friend like Jaya in their lives.

‘He was my first kiss’, I try to explain. ‘He was so perfect. But it wasn’t like I thought it would be’.

Silent tears roll down my cheeks. It feels silly to mourn the loss of someone I never really knew.

‘Another disaster date’, I shrug as Jaya hugs me.

‘I’d disagree you know’, Jaya says. ‘Sometimes the successful dates aren’t always the ones which go well and leave you with butterflies. They’re also the ones which help you to understand a little more about yourself – your likes, your dislikes, your values. Instead of feeling sad that you don’t have anything in common with the guy you liked when you were sixteen, I'd argue that you should, in fact, rejoice the fact that you don’t!’

I don’t heed Jaya’s words even though I know she’s talking sense. The disappointment of the evening is still too raw, but later I realise the truth of what she says. I’d outgrown Jason, I moved on whilst he stood still. It’s nobody’s fault – Jason and I don’t speak the same language or have the same values, and we both deserve people who will understand us better than we can each other. Somewhere, lurking deep inside Jason, I still see the beautiful sixteen-year old I remember, but neither of us are the same people we were fifteen years ago. I mourn the loss of the innocent teenager I once was and the Jason I remembered. But the memory of that perfect summer sunset is no longer as vividly bright as it was before. Time, disillusionment, unrealised dreams have taken their toll, and I had idealised Jason to such a degree he would never have been able to live up to my image of him. I know now that Jason never truly deserved the pedestal I put him on.

Perhaps, Jason really will fulfil his ambitions one day, move out of his parents’ house, travel to Australia and become a world-famous rock star. I really hope he does – but I’m doubtful – and I’m certainly not going to wait another fifteen years to find out.

The next day I delete Jason’s number from my phone and my life. After all, the past is behind us – we’re not going that way remember?