Time Lapse

I still wasn’t sure what to write and as I sat in the decorated kitchen all full up from Christmas and now it was to be a new year, I just had to get something down on the paper before it was due in. I only had two more hours before it hit midnight and the paper was due, but I knew I could do it and I knew I needed at least three words to get successfully counted as a grade. The last paper hadn’t been so great, in fact it had failed entirely but at least I had written something, and I was going to make sure I at least got a grade on this paper too because if not I knew I was a failure in life and I didn’t want to be so, well, stupid, in my own eyes. I was smart and knew how to write an essay, I was smart and knew how to write a story, how hard could it be to write a story about a snowman or about a New Year’s Eve party, it just had to be a narrative. I kept ranting in my head telling myself I could do it; I could do it, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t, there was absolutely no way at all. Not after everything I had been through going into a mental hospital and coming out to be even more unstable before, being beat up twice and so scared I couldn’t breathe, being told I was a psycho and that everything I believed in wasn’t real. I don’t enjoy doing anything anymore and that includes writing and so I write and write and write about how I feel and how I want to feel but I can’t write a paper about being stuck and unable to do anything or coming to a roadblock in life. I had plenty of examples but there was no way I could write about it on my own without some idea of what event I was to write about.

               It’s difficult to write when you don’t know what to write about and when you don’t know what to write about you just can’t write. I thought and thought to myself of ideas that I could write about being that I could never write using prompts or being given a story line. I always wrote in my own way, using my own ideas my own beliefs and never once had I had to write like this when I had been stuck and confused and not knowing what was going on. The truth was I felt fine in some ways, but I wasn’t fine in so many other ways. I was too calm, too tired, too bored, too this too that and I just couldn’t write. I was stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, and more stuck. I like to say stuck it sticks to my tongue and sounds nice when I say it, but I really am stuck. I don’t know what to do anymore and so I just write how I feel, and I feel like I have been ranting to myself for hours when it has only been a few seconds. I feel so lost and so lost and why do I keep repeating myself. I suppose it is to keep myself from going crazy or maybe I am talking out loud and I don’t realize it. So much has gone one and half of these thoughts I can’t even understand they go by so fast interrupting each other and passing before I can know what I am thinking.

               I must be going crazy; time is going in slow motion and my every thought lasts about .1 milliseconds before moving on to the next. And I’m so lost I’m so lost. I know what I am thinking, and I know why but I just haven’t got a clue why they are going by so slowly and why my mind seems to be a jumble right now. What is there to be in a jumble about? Why do I feel so anxious? Oh yes, I have a story to write and I only have three hours to write it and I have no idea what to write about because what is there to write about. I’m in a daze everything is blurry, time isn’t passing just go away thoughts. I’m tired and I think I should just go to bed without doing the assignment my grades will be fine. That’s ok all I do now a days anyway is sit staring off into space with boredom never knowing what to do and never wanting to do anything. Well, what is there to write about? Snow whit and the seven dwarves, Kia and Laura of the Seven seas, remakes of the old Grimm stories, what, what is there? I just keep ranting and ranting never ending.

               I could write about many incidents in my life, like that time were someone thought I said I could beat them up so easily and I didn’t or that time when I got angry and didn’t know whether to talk or to scream, or that time when I accidently hissed at someone that I didn’t mean to hiss at. Or I suppose I could write a new story about a new girl in high school who turns out to be a queen of vampires, werewolves, and witches. Or maybe a story about being transported to another world and becoming some kind of superhero. Or about Cinderella after she married and the kind of adventures that she had. So many, so many, so, so many things that I could write about but not one that I would like to and not one that anyone would ever read because they would be so similar to the old stories that there were already so many of. There is nothing to write about, except maybe the fact that I am stuck, and I have been sitting here thinking for only ten seconds and it felt like an eternity. And so, I guess I should choose that topic for my story, being stuck and unable to find anything to write about and I followed the prompt. I looked at my watch, not a minute had passed as I had thought about what I was going to do. Ten seconds, that’s it, ten seconds to think of all that. How was that even possible?