My sun, you keep him

As faint light washes over the beach, I begin to see the sun blooming from its deep sleep under the horizon. With just the slight top of it showing through the slightly colored clouds i think, even the sun takes time to be complete again. I lift the elbows that were supporting me, and lay my back down in the sand. As my mold takes place, I close my eyes.

when i open them again, it must of been a little while because the warmth almost shocks me. I had forgotten the unfamiliar kindness of the sun. My skin and body open and exposed, I take in every ray I am given.

The sun is holding me, hugging me, keeping me. "I have you" It tells me.

We let go of ourselves when we begin to believe that trapping our minds in our rooms, away from the outside and people and light, is safety and love. This is emptiness, coldness. This is pain disguising itself as comfort so it can keep us longer.

*

After a while, I make my way home to my parents house.

I push through the screen door, kick off my sandy flip flops and put my bag down as the door closes behind me. Ahead of me at the kitchen table turns my mom looking at me wide-eyed.

" Honey... you were ou- out?" She manages to say with her jaw practically on the floor.

"Yes, mom... i was out." I say bluntly with a smile as though it was normal. However her and I are both well aware this is not normal and i had not been going out for almost 3 1/2 months now. I kiss her cheek and sit next to her while she tries to find the next thing to say.

" Honeyyy! where is my surf board? And where the heck is julia?" My dad says while he passes my room coming into the kitchen.

"Ohhh never mind found her!" He says jokingly while kissing my forehead. I see him turn to mom and examine the still shocked and confused expression on her face.

"Okay guys. Mom, Dad, i did in fact go out this morning... to watch sunrise. Yes it was very nice, yes i know this is a big turn from keeping myself locked away. No i do not really want to continue this conversation." This finishes our conversation on the topic. I see my mom turn to look at my dad with the normal "from one parent to another" confused look. He mouths to her, just move on darling we will talk about it later.

"So, who wants eggs! I know you do pumpkin!" I love him for changing the subject. As for an explanation, here it is. Im 22 and for the past year i've been home from college. I was engaged, yes i know it's early but we didn't care. We were everything, and thats the only way i can put it. Everything. Then he was gone... more like taken. And suddenly it felt as though everything was gone. So i came home. I came home to find the non- existing way to accept it.

People say, "Some day you will accept it and move on." In hopes to make feel better. However, in reality, in my reality, there is no accepting it there is no moving on. There is just living on. Living on. Live.

*

I decide to take myself to the beach again for sunset. I want to visit the sun again and say goodnight. I don't pack anything with me accept a blanket. I go to my mom sitting on the couch and say, "Bye mom. Im just gonna go watch the sun go down. I'll eat when I get home so you and dad have dinner dont wait up for me" I kiss her on the cheek as she says okay and start walking to the beach. She worries a lot about me. I don't want her too.

I get to the beach and find my spot again. I feel the sand under my feet, and the breeze blowing through my hair. I take a seat on my blanket facing the ocean and the pink and purple sky. I first say hello to my pretty friend who is waiting for me within the clouds just above the horizon. Hi my sun. Then i close my eyes just for a moment.

*

When i open them something is different, and I cant put my finger quite on it... maybe it's the way the wind is blowing, or the crashing of the waves, but something has changed. Then I look just down the beach a little bit and there stands a young man. I make my way over to him because something was drawing me to him. Of course i'm drawn.

I stand just over 5 feet away i'm guessing. I stand there and stare at him (because how could anyone not) until he notices.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" He speaks. I realize he's referring to the sun and respond.

"I find it complicated."

"Therefor not beautiful?" He questions what i say.

"Therefor incredibly." There's his smile. That smile. His smile shows everything. His perfectly bright teeth that were simply made to be seen. The way his eyes scrunch just slightly when he laughs, his smile lines that shows his past smiles paths. His smile is my way into his soul, so I can see and learn all of him. His smile makes me smile.

"So, what brings you here? are you just visiting?" Im now noticing what he's wearing. That shirt. My favorite shirt. Then just some swim trunks Where do they come from? I want to know every thing.

"Hellooo..." He brings me back from my lost thoughts. He's now standing directly in front of me. I look at him straight in the eyes.

"Sorry!" I start giggling. Oh god here we go, "I- yes i'm just visiting my parents. And you?" I feel my cheeks turning red. He's just an nose away from my face now.

"Ahh, interesting. Just moved here myself. Just for a little while though. Change it up." Change it up. That's my favorite thing he always says, said. I accidentally laugh out loud when he says this. He's practically a foot taller than me so i look back up at him, smile, and tuck my hair behind my ear.

"That sounds-" I start.

"Ohhhh my god!" He stops me. He brings his hands too his head and spins around in a circle to land right back a nose away from me. He's laughing now. That SMILE!

"What!" His laughing makes me laugh.

"Your just so adorable! Like i just can NOT believe it!" He has always been so upfront and i simply adore it.

"You can't just say that!" My smile is bigger than i'd like to admit.

"why not?"

"I just met you!"

"What, we just met so that doesn't allow for you to be adorable?"

"No it simply doesn't allow for you to tell me. Not yet anyway."

"Well i am and i did. Life is too short!" If only he knew.

"Fine... i'll let it pass," I wink at him, "Sit with me..." I wait for him to tell me his name. I'm waiting to hear it roll off his lips. That beautiful name.

"-Joshua. I'm Joshua. And you are?" There it is.

"Julia." My smile still bigger than my face.

"Yes julia. I will sit with you!" I love him saying my name. He smiles big, and leads the way to my blanket. We sit. Out of instinct I lay my head on his shoulder and surprisingly he lets me. We "just met" but we didn't. I look back up at my friend above the horizon. My sun. Now i am watching the very top of it's head rest back into its sleep under the clouds. The pink coloring of the sky fading. I keep my head under his ear. I want to be here for forever. In some way, I know I always will be.

"you know, i disagree with what you said earlier." Joshua starts.

"Hm? Go on."

"About the sun- it being complicated. I think it's simple. It's just the sun. And yet we are it and it is us. But we see it all right there. Us human complicate everything. But the sun is just itself and yet so beautiful. It's complex, yet not complicated. It's full and yet not overwhelming. The sun is our everything. All right there. In my head that is more simple than complicated. Maybe it's the simplest thing there is." My adoration is overwhelming. Even if he is way to smart for me sometimes and I often can't understand what he says.

Joshua lifts his head and turns to me.

'This is...this is-"He starts.

" Everything" I say. I take his hand in mine. There our sun goes. As I watch the very last of it go down, I take a deep breath in and close my eyes.

*

I open them, I have a few minutes before my sun goes. I rub my eyes. I know i'm alone. I know he was never here. I know that he visited me in my dreams. But he is here. Right here. I hold my hand to my chest and wrap my fingers around my locket. Engraved on the outisde, it reads Joshua my Everything Sun, 1998-2021. I smile, or maybe i cried. Looking up to my sun, I feel her (yes the sun) winking at me.

Today I gave the sun a little bit of myself, and in return, she gave me a little bit of him. Thank you for holding him for my my sun.