The Sins of all I know

In the mirror, I see many things. 

Lines that hold years of life.

Hair that has been pulled in both frustration and pleasure. 

Eyes that have shine and dulled more times then I can count.

These details are all of ours. We all live with the shine of many stars in our eyes. We all look at ourselves in the mirror and can find beautiful things. However, we most of the time find dreaded things. Like the sins of our past. We hold those sins close to our hearts unknowingly. Feel the dread that those sins drag on us. Holding us still like we were just shocked by lightning. Shaking us like we dreamt of monsters that stalk and strike with glee. 

Those sins are all I know, it’s why I…

“Lieutenant”! 

I snapped out of it and looked over at my copilot. 

“Yeah”?

“You okay man, you seemed out of it a little”?

“Yeah” I replied. It was a lie and if Stevens seen through it, he didn’t mention it. He just nodded and said “we have Authorization, the squadron will fire on your command.”

On my screen, was the view of a town. On any other day the view will make me smile. It’s what I love most about seeing the world from the air. Watching the world move naturally. Natural motion, like rain moving down a leaf.

This was not a normal day. Haven’t seen one of them in years.

In the center of my crosshairs, a child ran by. Chasing after his little sister gleefully. 

Down the street, was the enemy. 

‘Enemy’, what a joke.

The enemy was about a hundred people with small arms. Protecting the small lake the town was built around. The lake was what we were after. The most powerful nation on earth. Was about to kill innocent people fighting to protect a small lake holding the most scarce resource. 

Clean water.

Now, on my command. I was going to start a bombing that will kill every man, woman, and child in this small little nowhere town. 

Why?

Because the powerful people, ignored the warnings.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time I faced this order. Also, Unfortunately I have carried out those orders. 

You see now, what I mean about our sins? The sins we all know. The sins we see when we look at our reflection. Those sins replace us. Even to ourselves. 

“Sir, they what you to launch now”.

The hum of the air conditioner is faint. The computers beep and sing the songs of things just doing their job.

The irony of this is not lost on me. I’m sitting in a small box in the middle of the desert. In my hands are the controls of a unmanned combat drone thousands of miles away. Well…I hope it’s thousands of miles away. They stop telling us who we were killing a while ago. For all I know I could be bombing my hometown.

“You think these people know we are watching them, you think they’ll regret any of this when this is all over”? I ask without emotion.

My copilot looks at me. His unshaven face reminding me how low the standards have fallen. “What do you mean sir”? 

I looked back at my screen. The small Child was laughing as her bigger brother held her up.

“You think they know about the death above them. You think their children, if they survive, will know why their lives were ruined”?

Steve’s looks at me. I notice his hand is close to his sidearm.  Disobedience cases have become epidemic. The price for it is no longer jail time. Resource are to scarce for things like that now.

“I don’t know sir. You seen the briefing. These people where told that the lake is now under federal protection. Then they slaughtered the troops sent to secure it. They didn’t what to fall in line like the others and now they have to pay for their treason sir”.

Stevens, as always, the loyalist to the end. 

I guess that is the only people that are still serving the same people that ignored the warnings so long ago.

I guess maybe I should do what he most likely does. Just avoid mirrors entirely.

“Sir Command is saying that if you don’t launch I will have to assume command”. Stevens said. His hand was now resting on his pistol. His look was stern and his body language spoke of coming action. 

I put my finger on launch button. On the screen was a living town. Under my finger was a cure for that.

I live with the sins of what I have done. Of all I have done and known. But how long can I do this. How many buttons can I push and lives I end just to save myself from becoming like the billions who are dying out there.

How many times do I push this button before I can’t see myself in the mirror anymore. Before all I see is this damn cross hair, and the ghost of the many that have vanished in it. 

I closed my eyes and thought about what I had. What made me smile. But mostly, I thought about her. I think about her eyes and smile. Not that she returned to her hometown to help her parents move away. I remember her touch. Not that she called me telling me that she was sorry. Before I heard screams and shooting in the background. I remember her smell and voice. Not that I heard the distinct sound of a drone over head. Before the line died and I never heard from her again. 

In my crosshairs, the siblings hug and a lovely couple near by hold each other closely. I think they spotted the drones. They know what that means. 

I think it’s time. To allow myself the small pleasure of not hating myself. Even knowing what the price will be for having such a luxury. 

Stevens pistol clicks, I didn’t look over at him.

I don’t what to see what is coming.

The End