Life and Death

           It took him ten seconds to die.

           There’s a lot he could have thought of in those ten seconds. Likely among them was how he didn’t want to die. There’s a fear of the unknown in the heart of every human, an awareness that one day the end will come, that you won’t have any control over it. Cultures around the world have stories of what will happen in death. Will you arrive at the pearly gates? Do you need payment for the ferryman to bring you to the afterlife? Or will you find yourself born again and again until you achieve enlightenment?

           Regardless of what he believed in life, in the final moments did it bring him comfort? Did it bring him peace?

           Or did he think of the past? Living by the lake, first fearing its depth as a tadpole before emerging as a conqueror. Reliving the carefree moments of youth, of the rocks and sand between toes, and the sap from climbing trees. Growing up with first two parents, then only one. Knowing the sorrow that it can bring to one so young.

           Long nights at the bonfire, first with families, then with friends. The first look, the fire glow skin, and the reflective eyes. With her came quick smiles, soft hands, and first times. The boy becoming a man as nights lengthened and the sky darkened. She left with the autumn breeze.

           And he left that lake too. He woke early, and trained, and marched. He climbed four meter walls, crossed ditches, spent hours at the firing range, and completed field exercises in combat gear. Discipline and mental fortitude brought on new meaning. And then they weren’t exercises anymore.

           He would not have lingered on his military tours but he would have seen faces. Of his comrades, dead and alive. With those that couldn’t be saved there’d be the guilt, the sadness, the regret. With those who survived he’d always have a bond. His superiors who directed troops across the land. Civilians he had helped, who he hoped were doing as well as they could in a war ravaged country. Together they had molded him into a man with iron-will and direction, rough around the edges with kindness deep within his heart.

           It was a life that he’d relived in nightmares. When he left the military he came back to the lake. Its calmness was a balm for his soul. Watching over it and the people who surrounded it calmed his mind and steadied his heart. His work was now to protect and serve the people, to wear a different uniform.

           He was wearing that uniform as he died.  

           Would he be thinking of his family? He’d never been much of a cook and he spent many nights at the main street diner. She too had come back to the lake, escaping the corporate ladder for the hustle and bustle of the small town, taking over the diner from the previous owners. They sat at the same table, night after night, week after week, month after month.

           She was a strong woman, able to stand on her own two feet and with him as an equal. They’d chosen to walk their paths together, two homes and hearts becoming one. She’d know that this was a possibility with his work, and had never failed to say goodbye as he left. Would he take solace in this, knowing that she’d feel sorrow, grief, and pain, but that she’d be able to continue without him?

           Or would he worry the most about the pain in a tinier heart, to a soul that was just beginning to blossom. Ariel was nine years old, his little girl who he had spent countless hours as a baby just counting ten fingers and ten toes. He taught her to ride a bike, and throw a ball. They’d planned a camping trip for the summer. What would she think of his never coming back? Would she understand that it was his duty, would she resent it and him? Would she remember all the times they’d shared?

           Would he be able to think at all? Would the pain override his thoughts in his last moments? Would his world focus only on that and the sounds that echoed around him? From the initial sound of the gunshot to the impact, the pain in his abdomen, and the retaliatory shot from his partner that took down the killer.

           They had been called for attempted shoplifting at a gas station near the highway. The cashier had caught him and one of the customers became concerned when the situation had begun to escalate and called the police. They hadn’t known about the gun. They hadn’t known that the man had gone off his medications.

           What he did see was that there was a young boy in the store as well, no more than twelve. Felix had gone in to get snacks while his Dad filled the truck with gas. It was at him that the gun had been pointed in that moment. It was Felix that was saved when he died.  

           Was it Felix that he thought of? The young boy he’d sacrificed his life to save. How would he spend his second chance at life? Would he go to the funeral and see the little girl crying in a black dress? Would he see her around school?

           As his eyes closed for the last time would he see into the future? Felix becoming Ariel’s self-appointed big brother and guardian, forever tied together by tragedy. Growing up together at the lake, him pushing her when required and comforting her when needed. Her ensuring that he focused on school work as much as sports. Her scared and angry when he told her he was going to the police academy. That he wanted to help others like her father who had saved him.

           Through times of luck and difficulty Ariel and Felix lived them together. And one day, down by the lake where they had grown up, where her father grew up, Ariel would walk down the aisle to him with her mother by her side. Ariel and Felix would live a long life together at the lake with their family. It wasn’t always easy, with fights and sadness but they came through. When their son was born they named him Liam, after his grandfather. And sometimes they’d sit on the porch as dusk settled around them, holding hands thinking about the man who’d given them both so much.

           Though he would miss all of those moments, the foresight and knowledge that they would be okay, that they’d live a life full of happiness and love, would that give him true peace?

           For in those ten seconds Liam lived.