The wind in the willows

 I finally walked away. The last two years have been full of lies, tears, and pain. I spent so much time screaming in the wind, talking to a wall and nothing was ever going to change.

 The look in his eyes said everything that his words were not. I don’t know what else I could have done or said to change the way things were. But he was more concerned with how people would see him if they found out who and what he really is and tried so hard to hide.

How could I have been so blind and stupid? I suppose when you love and trust someone so completely it's easy to overlook the obvious. So, when my world began to fall apart, the devastation became life altering. It was hard to beath. It was as though fresh air was hard to find. I knew where to go. To the lake where the willows hang freely, while the wind clears my mind. He won't find me here; I just need time to figure out what my next move is to free myself from his grip.

The willows welcome me with open arms soothing me as I find my spot under them. I can breathe here, I can think more clearly, this is my safe place. The breeze moves through my hair pushing it over my shoulders as I take in the clean air as my worries and fear start to melt away like so many times before.

What was that? My body goes ridged. My eyes snap open and fear takes over. Slowly I scan the wooded area around me trying to spot anything out of place. Nothing, I don't see anything, and it goes quite again. I relax and can breathe again.

All of the sudden I hear my name whispered through the breeze that sent a chill through my spine. I shiver and my eyes are wide as I feel his hand crawling around my neck. I know that feeling all too well, if I try to get away, he will make me pay for being defiant. How did he find me here? I was careful, I am always carful when I come here.

His hot breath heating up my ear as he demands answers for me being here. Why I left the way I did. "Who do you think you are?" he sneers through gritted teeth. His anger rises as I try to process what is happening. "I don't know what you mean?' I manage to say. "I am yours." I say as innocent as possible because I know he likes it. "Don't play with me! I know you want out, but you aren't going anywhere! You are mine!" He says with a growl. Hand still on my neck he pulls me to him until we are face to face. Teeth clinched, jaw working, he gives an evil smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

"I will never let you go." he spats in my face. "I am yours." I repeat as calm as I can. As he is focused on me, I reach out for something, anything I can defend myself with. My right hand finds something that feels like a splintered branch, " I love you; I am yours and I am not going anywhere." I whisper as I wrap my hand around the branch.

Then something comes over me. A weirdly calm but powerful feeling deep within me takes over and time seems to slow down. Everything that has happened since I met him, all the signs of control he wrapped me in, making me feel as though I needed him to survive while he had his way with me behind closed doors. If his secret life, I witnessed firsthand, were to come to light his life and status would crumble. He would kill to keep his secrets and here he is trying to keep the life he has carefully created.

I cannot believe what I have allowed him to do to me.

I have squeezed the branch so tight it pierces my skin. He has wrapped his arm around my waist while the other is still around my throat, squeezing a little tighter. He gives my throat a little shake as though trying to get my attention. “You gave me your power and now it’s mine, remember that. I am all you need and don’t forget it.” He spits as he holds his mouth to the side of my cheek. I try to remain calm; he doesn’t like it when I tense up too much under his controlling hand. He likes me weak.

“I wouldn’t dare leave you, I love you.” bile rises in my throat as I say it. But how will I manage to truly escape his hold on me? Is there a way out? I try to think clearly as I grip the branch deciding what not to do next. I must make sure he can’t catch me after this. I wrap my left arm around his waist and caress him, “I love you,” I say as I bring the pointed branch up and away enough to plunge it into his stomach. He lets out a rage filled scream and let’s go of me. “You are mine!” he screams as I back away from him, seeing what I’ve done. “I will Kill you!” he shouts as I turn to run from him. I start running without really knowing where to go.

I hear him stumbling somewhere behind me, screaming, “You are mine!”.

I continue running through the woods that surround us. Feeling the tare and pull of my clothes as they are ripped by bushes and branches making way for them to tare at my skin. I try to block my face from the vines and trees that are determined to make this a difficult escape, but it’s no use. I still hear him screaming out to me how he will never let me go. I continue trying to run as fast as I can, but the woods seem to be getting thicker and harder to get through. I hear my heart in my ears, my breathing is labored, and I am shaking all over.

All at once I am falling, tumbling and rolling to a stop down an embankment. Looking around, I am disoriented. I realize that I hear nothing. I wait and listen for any sign that he is near. Silence. I hear nothing but my own breathing, my own heart. I am frozen, afraid to move. Terrified that if I move, he will hear me, he will find me, kill me. The thought paralyzes me in place. After a few minutes I feel a sharp pain rip through my ankle, I look down and see it swelling right before my eyes. The pain is excruciating but I know I can’t stay here; he will find me. I manage to crawl towards one side of the embankment, away from where I came when I hear “You think you can get away from me?”. I am literally on my hands and knees in front of him frozen.

“What do you want from me?” I asked through tears of fear. “I want your life, your freedom, your soul” he says as he squats down in front of me, hovering. I can feel his sweat dripping on me. I am shaking so badly now, and I know he is getting a lot of satisfaction from my weakened state, so I try to lean into that. “You are my life, and I am sorry.” I say weakly. I hear him hum in delight at this, I know it’s turning him on, so I continue,” I am weak without your control.” At this he grabs my face and makes me look at him “You remember that.” He hisses. “Look at what you’ve done! You’ve injured my property, that ankle looks broken. What will I do with that? You will be helpless, more than usual.” I steal a glance at him as he is taking in my damages as one would a car or boat. The branch was still sticking out of his stomach, it was smaller than I thought.

“It will be ok; I can wrap it up.” I say.” Everything will be ok.” I sit up and grab my ankle. “It’s probably just a sprain.” He forcefully grabs my arm and pulls me to my feet. “You have been a very bad girl, and you will pay for it.” Pulling me along with him through the woods with a bad ankle is beginning to enrage him, he throws me to the ground and curses me. I look up pleadingly at him and that’s when I see the gun in the waistband of his pants. I must gain control somehow. It was then, I realized my power over him. My weakness, this game he has created between us.

“I’m sorry that I am slowing us down,” I pout. “You are everything to me, I hate letting you down.”

“You have let me down! You should never try to get away from me when all I want is to protect you!”

“I am so sorry I hurt you. Let me look at your stomach, it looks bad.” I say. “Just sit next to me and I’ll take care of you.”

“You should get a good look at what you did to me. You could have killed me, butme but think it’s just a scratch.” At this he sits nexs next to me lifting his shirt and I get a good look at the gun.

“I think you’re right” I say as I look at his stomach. I readjust myself on my knees as if trying to help him and as soon as I am stable, I grab the gun and point it in his face as I back away out of his reach. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” his hate spitting at me.

“I am getting my life back!” I scream as I pull the trigger.