Her Personal Apocalyse

“The ending is just a beginning worth repeating,” Evie mumbled to herself shaking her long brunette curls, “or was it the other way around?”  

Realizing that was her first post apocalypse thought, a sharp splinter of dread ripped through her chest and tingled down her spine, as she laid in her bed wrapping herself tighter in her plum colored comforter.  In her world ending blur, everything she knew, touched, watched and belonged to was disappearing around her. 

“Wait…wait!  I am not ready,” Evie pleaded.  “I was just getting okay again.    Please! Not now.  I didn’t get a chance to do everything—or fix anything.  Let me just have more time….don’t tell me, don’t tell….me….I  have wasted my 27 years on this shit show called my life?  No!” 

Anger flowed hot through her body, in a rage she grabbed the closest thing to her and threw her childhood stuffed teddy bear named, ‘Charley’ as hard as she could, watching her beloved friend slowing fade away in mid-air.  Evie hissed, “great, I am completely alone now? Where is…What is really going on?  AM I DEAD?  In purgatory?  Hell?  HELL0?! It’s not like I can ask Google—since my phone broke into shiny dust particles a few minutes ago!”  

Evie slumped back in her bed and remained lifeless for a few minutes, “is this a test?” she asked the silence, “I can be patient, real patient. I also can behave rationally in unknown times like this.  I am a well-educated, mild-mannered, logical woman.  I have a great depth of understanding and pride myself on my strong empathic character,” she ended with a firm nod.   

She stiffly laid back deeper, propping her lilac pillows around her.  She took a deep breathe to prove is she now calm and ready to negotiate like an adult.  She even used her hands to pressed her bed sheets down patting away the wrinkles to appear more settled.  Evie cleared her throat, and spoke a-matter-of-factly, “Alright.  I will be right here when you’re ready to discuss our situation.  Whenever you have the time to talk to me, I would greatly appreciate it, thank you.”    

Evie stayed in her mature pose for some time. She decided to use this extra time to remember what she could about the facts of apocalypses.  She closed her blue eyes to focus on the information she had gathered based on only TV, movies and books, what she recalled left her a bit shaken.  

Evie balanced uneasily on her side to brace against more of her world-ending intrusive detailed references.  “Evie,” she said to her rising anxiety, “let’s go one by one,” her eyes popped wide open. “Zombies.”

She stared into the abyss and expected to see decayed crippled bodies inching their way closer to her.  She strained to hear the humming noises that these flesh eaters were supposed to make. Evie announced, “no on the zombie theory.”

“Aliens?” she bravely asked herself as she looked again for glowing green space creatures and the silvery silhouettes of probing aliens. “No glowing green aliens or silver tin-foiled probers. Thank God.” 

“Okay, what else Evie?” she rubbed her temples and she snuck glances to make sure there were no other life forms coming to torment her. “Uhh…nukes and chemical warfare, but I can breathe fine and face isn’t melting,” she stated as she ran her pink painted finger tips across her cheeks. 

“How about the Devil?  Okay.  I see no gaping pit of torture, no red suited demon with a pitchfork, no sinners begging for mercy.  No, on the prince of evil,” Evie sighed. 

“Jesus?  Is Jesus here? Look for Jesus Evie!” She whelped as she placed herself higher in her bed to gain a clearer view.  Nothing but a still flat darkness surrounded her now.  She willed herself to stretch her one leg to set one foot on the space below her, fearful she slipped back, letting her bed catch her. She tried to get comfortable, as she tossed around and kicked at her bed sheets, she finally made herself stay as still as she could. 

In her quietness, Evie’s survival humor, her state of mind that makes jokes and sillies her priority rather than facing what really is going on was no longer working well for her.  She flooded her mind with memories of her life, flashes of her families’ faces, even hearing her mom’s laugh, the sound of her giggle brought tears to her eyes, as she hoped her mom was already in Heaven and not in the same void.  Evie smelled dad’s cologne as she took long breathes to make the scent last forever.  She felt her horse’s warm breath against her cheek as her mare’s whiskers tickled her.  She saw herself in college thinking she was grown up but knowing she had a lot to learn.  Evie pictured the elegant engraved oval shaped mirror at her parent’s church in the bride’s room. She watched her 24-year-old reflection in her mom’s ivory wedding gown, remembering no other time that she felt truly beautiful.  Lastly, Evie’s pride took over as she remembered seeing her name on her first novel’s cover and seeing her name climb to the New York Best Sellers List. 

More moments of her life whizzed through her mind, changing abruptly from fond to dark without notice.  The not good enough times, being lied to over and over again, believing the empty promises, that heavy guilt nothing would lift, and the worst day of Evie’s 27 years, the day he told her, “I’m sorry--I just don’t love you anymore.”

Evie sprung up to her knees, sobbing, “enough…enough…ENOUGH!”  She wiped her tears away on her soft pajamas and worked hard to grip the reality of her world ending.  To gain back some perspective and control she lost waiting for the end, she sat up straight at the edge of her bed with the bottom on her feet inches from the blackness. “I would have done things differently, I would have said yes more often, I should have tried harder, to be better, to handle life’s disasters, I would have loved and cared deeper, laughed at myself more, I would have learned to just to be myself,  I would have chosen happiness and not dwell on the past, I wouldn’t have criticized myself, and I would have stopped being so miserably weak…..” Evie heard her voice echo around her.  

She gathered her thoughts, let the tears drop where they wanted as she sat cross-legged on her bed.  Evie finally realized what her life lessons were.  

A soft amber light flowed onto her bed and engulfed her in a healing warmth. She had felt this light before, a few times in fact, she couldn’t say when or where she experienced its grace but it embraced her like an old friend.  She inched down and carefully let her feet land.  Before she could recoil back to her safe bed, she quickly put all her weight and stood up.

“Don’t let heaviness anchor you.” She adjusted her feet and spun around to test if she was tied or grounded to this place, she wasn’t. 

“Don’t give guilt a home.” A gentle rhythmic gush filled her ears and matched the tempo of her heart. She placed her hand on her chest and smiled.

“Regret steals the gift of forgiveness.” Evie noticed a small pretty silver and white gift-wrapped box on her pillow.  She knew not to open it and she also knew it was her forgiveness to give to herself.

Evie climbed back into her bed and held the bright shiny package in her hand, she pulled the blanket over her legs and rested her head back on her pillow. A peaceful wave washed over her as she fought sleep.  Her fragile voice, barely even a whisper escaped out of her mouth, “I wish I would have learned my life’s lessons sooner…and I wish it didn’t take a personal apocalypse to heal.” 

The soothing amber light broke up into a million tiny sparkling pieces above Evie’s sleepy eyes and filled her black night with brilliant stars.  She made a wish for all of them before drifting off to sleep.