Leave Me Alone

"I said. Leave me alone!" Oh no here we go again, the door slamming the yelling. This is very unnerving. I sit at the kitchen table alone, do I smile or cry. How often does this happen?

It happens way too often. It's not a child it is my mother. The days of her being gracious and kind had dwindled away with the attacks of Parkinson's. At least today as angry as she is with me, she knew who I was.

We have always been a close family, my mother, my sister and I. My dad passed a few years ago from a sudden heart attack. Maybe that's when it started. Maybe that's when she started sliding downhill at the pace of a skier with an avalanche behind them. She had been trembly for a while. No one thought much about it, just a little shake here and there. After all, she was pushing 60 years old it wasn't uncommon for someone of that age. Maybe she was a little forgetful, too. I guess it is amazing what you can ignore when you don't want to see it. But where did all the anger come from? That is too much to ignore.

My sister has given up. She wants her to go to the home. On days when I am so fatigued. Like the time I was up all night looking for her because she decided to look for the cat. We don't have a cat. I want her to go away, too. I just can't let go of the memories. The memories of laughing at my first dance recital, because I spent the whole time staring at myself in the full-length wall to wall mirror, or crying when I fell and had to get stitches in my knee because I was trying to outrun the bully next door. The love is real, but what do I do as a daughter and as a human?

What about my husband and son? How patient do they need to be? Am I too involved with my mom to be what they need? No one would say anything. It's a no feeling hurt zone. And no one wants to hurt my feelings matter what you think good manners prevail. She looks at all of us with suspicion, and we look back with sadness. I see the clouded over hazel green eyes that I have looked into my whole life for support and love and I see nothing familiar.

Is this a test? Is someone checking my karma? Is God not watching?