Powdered Donuts

The alarm buzzes, telling her it’s time to start another day, surviving, after another sleepless night. Vanya gets up unmotivated, slowly getting ready for the day. While brushing her teeth in her monotone luxurious bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. Her pail skin and dark circles are even worse today, making her big blue eyes pop like a zombie’s. Putting makeup on, she covers a good amount of her dark circles and evens the tone of her skin and neck, some mascara and a bit of lipstick to make her seem like she’s trying to look normal. She gets dressed in her favorite tight dress, blazer over and high heels, taking her purse and work documents, looking at that boring hotel room one last time before taking off.

The car was waiting outside and as soon as the bell boy closes the door behind her, it takes off. Silently she looks as they were passing past the main road, which was mostly crowded now that everyone was making their way to work. Everyone was in their own world, some people were rushing to get to work, and others were going calmly. Some were talking on the phone, comforting their loved ones or setting up meetings, others were getting in coffee shops to get their first coffee of the day. The street was crowded as well, many cars, busses were going in all directions, the traffic was terrible, I guess that’s how things are in the Big Apple. She wondered what everyone was going through, if their lives were any better, or worse, than hers. She wondered what their darkest secretes were and if their loved ones knew. If they didn’t would they love them all the same if and when they found out?

Questions started to rise in her head quickly, like her mind wanted to speak up before she could catch up to it, say what’s deep in her subconscious while she’s hypnotized with the fast-pacing world outside. She caught herself thinking of those things again and quickly shook her head, telling herself to stop and the questions faded in her head as quickly as they appeared.

She arrived at her office building and as made her way in, eyes were all on her. People looked at Vanya with a mix of fear and respect. She was one of the most hardworking, intelligent people in the fashion industry and to top it all the most successful woman of the year. She had it all, or so everyone thought.

Vanya made her way into the elevator, being the only one in it, the door closed as the calming music played in the background, giving her a few moments of peace. Again, her head filled with questions, regret and anxiety. Thoughts of that night have been haunting her more ever since she cut on her meds due to work and exhaustion. The Paris fashion week was coming soon and preparations had to be made, it was only a matter of time before she started to forget to take her pills and buy new ones. She needed to see Dr. Michaels soon if she wanted to tone back the anxiety and panic attacks.

The elevator doors open and as soon as she walks out ten people approach her. One person is giving her coffee, the next papers to sign, another to see the shoes which go with the navy blue dress, and more of the sort on her way to the office. As she walks in, people get back to work, going by their day, only her assistants stay for some final checks. “This is good,” she thinks to herself “being occupied is good.”

Soon everyone is out of her office leaving her to do her work, making a few phone calls and going over some paperwork before going to her first meeting of the day. Everything in the office, the meetings, final preparations, brainstorming sessions for the magazine’s and photoshoots they had went accordingly, her team was hardworking and following her lead perfectly. She was proud of everyone even if she didn’t show it physically. Vanya would give them bonuses from time to time and gifts for their work.

The day passed quite fast and soon people stated to leave the office and shortly she was one of the last people in the building. At one point she lifted her head from the desk and saw that the office was empty and mostly dark, most of the light coming from her office. Seeing she was the last one there and the office hours long passed, she opened a bottle of wine and took her shoes off, turning her chair to the big window, resting her feet on it. Looking at the beautiful city below, how it shines in the dark, made her feel a bit relaxed. Taking a sip of wine, she couldn’t help but think, once again, about what was bothering her and before she knew it she was down that rabbit hole.

It was summer, three years prior, she was coming back home to celebrate her twenty-fifth birthday. Until that point she had been living normally, enjoying her life and had just landed an amazing job at her favorite fashion magazines. This was her first trip home in five years. When she got home all the lights were out, she unlocked the house and as soon as she got into the living room, people shouted “Surprise! Happy birthday!” to her. She was so happy and excited to have all her close family and friends at one place.

The party was going smoothly, everyone was having a good time and catching up with her, talking about what she’s been up to. Two of her closes friends got married, one even had a baby. Others were working hard on their dreams and studies and making their own little place in the world. Vanya felt grateful to be surrounded by such amazing people. She looked across the room looking for someone, completely curious but believing he wouldn’t show up, why would he? They broke up after senior year when they went their separate ways to study, never to see each other again, which was true, until that night.

“Vanya” she heard a soft voice behind her, recognizing it, she turned around. It was Scott, he was there. Seeing that she was a bit surprised to see him, he made his way to her, giving her a gentle hug. “Happy birthday.” He said giving her a bag of powdered donuts. She laughed at this gesture. “Thank you” she replied as she took the back. It was an inside joke, well, tradition, more or less. They would give them to each other after a fight as a piece offering or after they got back home from a long trip. Either way, it works perfectly, because they both got back home and the last time they spoke, wasn’t the best conversation they had.

The two started talking and seemed to be in their own little bubble throughout the night, not even noticing they started walking around and without realizing it they were out of the house , walking around the neighborhood, talking catching up. Vanya’s world was filled with joy at this point. She was floating now that the air is clear between her and her high school sweetheart. Scott was passionate about talking, and, working at an architectural firm and that brought joy to Vanya, truly. The only thing that saddened her was the fact that he was working in Boston and she was all the way in New York. Both of them were still finding a place in the world and making their way into their industries, she understood that, but the fact that she never stopped thinking about what ifs when it came to the two of them.

As Scott was talking, she could hear footsteps behind them, thinking maybe it was someone trying to find their way back home after a night of drinking, she tossed the thought of danger in the back of her mind. Something appeared off, Vanya glanced back to see if the person was behind them, but saw no one and kept on going, it irritated her that she couldn’t hear what Scott was saying because she could only focus on the footsteps behind. Scott didn’t seem to notice, but it was bugging Vanya. At one point she turned around to see if anyone was there and the only thing she saw was a cat crossing the street.

“Vanya” Scott called out to her confused at what she was doing, she turned around and made her way back to him when she hear him shout her name again, running to her and pushing her aside.

Vanya fell down on the sidewalk, scratching her knees. Confusingly, she looked up at Scott who was fighting off an armed man. Scott was trying to push him away from stabbing him with a knife. The man seemed to be drunk and filthy, like he had slept in an alley after getting wasted. Vanya screamed as the man overpowered scot, stabbing him in his abdomen. She could hear Scot squeal in pain. Moving her leg, she felt a rock next to her; she reached for the rock and threw it at the man who was slowly piercing her beloved. The rock hit him in the head, giving Scott a chance to push him off and fall onto his back. Vanya then crawled to Scott, yelling for help as she cried her eyes out. Scott was weeping in pain, trying to control his breathing. In the moment, she had completely forgotten about the attacker but then suddenly, saw a glimpse of him in the corner of her eye. She turned her head, facing him. Now paralyzed, Vanya looked at the attacker as he jumped at her, what seemed like slow motion, pressing her to the ground, hands tight around her neck.

Her breath was getting shorter fast, she could feel the pressure of his hot fingers across her neck, pressing harder and harder. She moved her legs trying to fight with her lower body, but it wasn’t working. She tried to reach his face but her arms were too short. She tried to get his hands off of her neck, and sort of managed to get some pressure off, maybe because he wasn’t fully aware, that she could do it. Her vision was getting blurry and spotty, her ears started to ring. She was sure she was going to die. She could see that Scott was trying to get to her a bit, while holding his wound. The grip was getting tighter and a thought raised in her head, now that things were fine between Scott and her, she could go. She loved him and they were in good terms again, that alone was enough. She landed her dream job, everyone she loved was happy. That was enough for her. That one thought made her give up as she let go of the man’s hands and released them to her side, completely surrendering.

Her right hand fell to the ground, as she closed her eyes, landing on top of something, it was pointy and hard, a rock maybe? Without even thinking, like her hands moved on their own, she stabbed her attacker and as she opened her eyes, she could see him paralyzed, hands loosening from her throat, bending over her more, as he looked at his stomach. Vanya looked down to her hand, feeling a hot fluid running down her arm on to her belly. She started shaking and in shock and screamed as the man fell to his side.

Sirens could be heard in the distance and Vanya sat up looking at her bloody hands, and her attacker who was laying next to her. Scott managed to get up somehow and get to her, seeing that his wound wasn’t as deep as he thought. Soon the police and ambulance where there, aiding to both Scott and his attacker.

After that night Vanya wasn’t the same, nor was Scott, but she hasn’t spoken to him in three years so that was just an assumption. She went back to New York the moment the case was closed and started therapy soon after. Before leaving she went to say goodbye to Scott and thank him for saving her when he did. He seemed to be doing better than her, at least. After that she distanced herself from everyone and focused on work, which was a big success for her. Vanya thought how she had no regrets, just questions, like how would things be different if she really died that night or would the people who work with her look at her the same way if they knew she had killed a man?  

All these questions were bottling up inside of her as she looked at the beautiful city below. She stood up from her chair pouring yet another glass of wine, when something caught her eye in the window reflection: someone was standing there. As soon as she saw that stance and suit, she knew. She turned to face him, Scott who patiently waited, for God knows how long, looking at her like no time has passed with desire to tell her something that’s been eating him up. Vanya went to the shelf and picked another glass, pouring him a drink. Scott walked in, taking the glass and placing a bag of powdered donuts on the table.