The 'L' Word

Mike sits on a stool in the middle of the stage, a beer on the floor, and thumps the microphone on the stand in front of him to both make sure it’s on and to get the attention of the not-too-meager Wednesday night crowd.

Welcome, welcome ... To open mic night, here at Sandy’s Sandbar.

Yes, my name is in fact Mike, and I realize that there is a very bad joke built in there, some might even call it a Dad joke, involving the next meeting of the amateur autopsy club. But believe me, there’ll be enough lame humor coming directly from my material without me borrowing any from existing sources. And please, wait until after my set to look up the bad joke I was just referencing on your cell phones. Thank you for your cooperation.

So, I am not a comedian by trade, or even by talent, depending on who’s opinion you are going by. I have done this before, so yes, glutton for punishment and all that. I will warn you in advance, my style has been described, by those being somewhat kind… I won’t repeat the unkind things I’ve heard… my style is definitely not roll on the floor and gripping your sides hilarity. I’ve been called a philosophical comedian, of course I’ve also been called a boring as hell, know-it-all little prick, but, what does my mother’s opinion of me count for anyway.

Anyway, I was trying to come up with some new material the other day, new material for a night just like tonight. Philosophical material of course, staying true to my calling. With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, a friend of mine ... thinking they were being helpful … suggested that I should do a routine around the ‘L’ word. That’s how they phrased it. The ‘L’ word.

Now, I don’t know how many of you in the audience do anything creative, … painting, writing, sculpting … but most people I know who do will agree, friend suggestions usually aren’t particularly helpful. Most friend suggestions, they go in one ear and out the other, if that. In all honesty, most suggestions for what I should do don’t even make it into my ears. I hear that time worn opening of, “Hey, Mike you know what would be really funny,” and my hearing goes immediately to grandparent status. Maybe even great-grandparent, who happened to work their whole life running a jackhammer and never heard of hearing protection until it was too late status.

“Huh … what? You say something?” And if they persist, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll do that,” without ever registering a single word they’ve said.

But this time, not sure why, maybe because I was sleeping with her, but still against my better judgement, I heard just that one little bit…’L’ word. I was actively ignoring her at the time, so it didn’t fully register until later on. By then, she had left and I couldn’t ask her, “What the hell ‘L’ word are you talking about?”

Cause this is where it got kinda interesting, at least for me. You may think it’s all just crap, but, heh, too bad, I’m the one on stage. And I spent a lot of time working on this. I even did some research, which, is like unheard of, so order another drink and indulge me.

My first thought… the ‘L’ word is that old TV show, right. The one with all the women who like other women, and also the first letter in that commonly used string denoting sexual or gender identities. But then a few other obvious choices come to mind as well. I mean, like I said, it is close to Valentine’s Day.

Her comes my exhaustive research.

So I looked up ‘L’ word online and I actually got a definition, sort of. No shit, if you look up any letter word, you can find this definition. It goes something like, ‘Any word beginning with that particular letter that is not normally taboo but is considered (often humorously) to be so in the given context.’ 

Like any half-good definition, that’s a mouthful.

So I read through that a couple times, thought about it, then read it again, then saw that there was a handy-dandy link for each letter of the alphabet on the site … yes, it’s Wikipedia, before you even ask.

So now I’m captivated … and distracted, at least mildly, and not just in ‘L’ words, but what does each letter of the alphabet most represent. Some of these do flaunt the idea of not being taboo and fall better into ‘you wouldn’t say them in front of your mother’ category, or depending on how you feel about your mother, maybe just not in polite company. Something you wouldn’t say in front of a nun, let’s say. I can tell which ones of you went to Catholic school by the way you’re cringing and nodding at the same time.

So I kept clicking. What I found was that, most letters have one, maybe two generally accepted meanings when used as a polite, or in many cases spineless, shortcut. But not our little letter ‘L’. No, it comes across as somewhat special. But I don’t want to jump there, not yet. This is the pseudo-educational, sidetracked part of the night, so feel free to play along at home if you want.

I clicked on ‘A’

The ‘A’ word

Maybe not a great place to start, but where else can you start except the beginning of the alphabet. A-word might not come quickly to mind, but if you follow it up with hole, as in a__hole, then OK, we get the picture. And it isn’t a pretty one.

The ‘B’ word

Ok, a little more obvious. I would describe this as a woman, quite often just being herself, but being judged poorly for it.

The ‘C’ word

Had to think about it, and came up with…. a woman being herself, but being a bit more nasty about it … and being judged poorly by a more crass person.

The ‘D’ word

Another one that needs a companion to make it obvious, and this one even rhymes, as in D__ pic.

‘e’ 

Nothing, doesn’t even get ‘word’ after it, unless you’re into putting it in front of everything to make it electronic, and unlike most other letters, always lower case, like eBooks, email, eBusiness, etc. And no, that’s not the electronic version of cetera. 

Jumping ahead in our alphabet, you can say the same for ‘i’, and it just means that the rights to your ‘e’ whatever were invented or are currently owned by Apple.

But back to the alphabet. Where were we? We’re up to ‘F’.

The ‘F’ word, commonly referred to as F-bomb. ‘nough said.

I could keep going letter by letter, but you get the idea. There are a few remaining that are obvious, like the ‘N’ word, maybe the most used letter in place of a word there is. P, or the ‘P’ word to stay with our format, has a few derogatory meanings, covering sex organs, and its overwritten by other letters usually used for those private body parts. Interestingly, more vulgar for men, see’ D’ word, already covered, and more anatomical for women, skip ahead to the ‘V’ word. I’ll pause here for a moment to let the slower one’s of you in the crowd think it through and catch-up.

Candy, can I get a refill here during my self-proclaimed intermission?

Candy, one of three waitresses working that night, comes to the edge of the stage and brings Mike a beer. He meets her halfway, thanks her, then drains half of it and sets the bottle on the floor near his stool.

Ah, you’re a lifesaver, Candy. Let’s hear it for the staff here at Sandy’s Sandbar, they’re a great bunch.

Mike leads the crowd in a round of applause before sitting back down to resume his set.

So, to hell with the rest of the alphabet, let’s get back to our ‘L’ word, or words. My bit tonight isn’t so much about a particular ‘L’ word as it is about ‘L’ words in general. Cause you see, of all the letters in the alphabet, the lowly ‘L’ seems to bring up the most possibilities. Some fairly common options, and a few more obscure, but still well used in certain circles and circumstances.

So we already talked about the TV show. Women liking women. Also, in case anyone’s interested ... fun fact kinda thing… that ‘L’ word is also the most googled type of pornography in like 30 states. You don’t want to know what the others top searches are, trust me.

But what are the other ‘L’ words, and why don’t we just say them? Back to that definition, they’re either taboo, were taboo like a hundred years ago and some cretins are still just working on catching up, or maybe just so obvious that no one needs to say them out loud. In some cases, they just change the mood so much that saying them out loud will only make matters worse. I think that’s the case for one of the more specific cases I found for ‘L’.

If you’re a cop, or maybe really into Law & Order and all its many iterations, you’ll understand it when an interrogator says,” It was going swell, until the suspect suddenly dropped the dreaded L-word in my lap.” Nobody likes it when the dreaded ‘L’ s get involved.

One of my favorite ‘L’ s is more of a performance piece. Nobody usually calls this the ‘L’ word, but everyone knows what it means.

Mike makes an L with his thumb and index finger, holds it against his forehead, then turns side to side to make sure the entire crowd gets a good look.

Nothing like a good visual.

Then there’s that four letter ‘L’ word that comes up in relationships. No not that other four letter ‘L’ word. That one comes up occasionally in relationships, if you’re lucky, but is more better reserved for one-night stands.

Let’s cover that second one first. It’s actually one of the seven deadly sins, but it also has websites out there comparing it and contrasting it with our nice four letter ‘L’ word, the one that usually half the parties in relationships are dying to hear, and the other half are either scared to death to say, or are just oblivious to it and focused on having a good time. They may have gotten stuck on that other version, the one harking back to deadly sins and all. But can still be fun.

One often gets confused for the other, kind of like lying and laying. But I’ll just get myself into trouble if I explore that any further, so let’s just forget I brought those up.

I do find it a bit odd that our original two ‘L’ words can get misconstrued when all they really have in common is the first letter, four letter length, and sex … ah, the ‘S’ word, maybe. Of course, there’s a few other ‘S’ words, but let’s not go there either.

I see that I am both running low on time, and I’m starting to see some eyes glaze over, a few drifting shut but at least battling to stay open ... thank you for the effort to at least appear engaged… And then there’s the ones that keep checking out Candy’s ass every time she bends over to serve the drinks at the table next to them.

 Hey, you! Yeah, you know who you are. Yes, it’s a nice view, but give it a rest, huh, the show’s up here on stage.

OK, time is short and I still have to get to my point, if in fact there is one. So, confession time. The suggestion for the ’L’ word material came from not just any old friend, but from my current significant other, and yes, there is some background to it. We have been together for a little over two years now, and she made it quite clear early on, and somewhat to my surprise as you might imagine, that she would not only not be putting any pressure on me to state the ‘L’ word to her, that in fact she would be just as happy if she never heard that particular ‘L’ ever cross my lips. You can imagine, I was intrigued when this was first proposed to me.

She explained.

A couple of her previous relationships had ended badly, with both having already… and in one case very recently … having developed passed this significant point. She felt very betrayed in both cases, and did not want to have to live through a repeat performance.

I eagerly complied.

Since then, it’s become a sort of running joke with us, or maybe better described as a challenge, to see which one of us lets it slip first. There is a side bet, and yes, it does involve actions that could be construed as part of the seven deadly sins ‘L’ word. And no, I will not be going into any details, other than to say that our relationship, at least as far as I am concerned, is humming along quite nicely without any ‘L’ declarations.

I truly am out of time now. You’ve been a wonderful audience. A little subdued maybe, but no heckling and no walkouts, nobody drunkenly fell off a chair, I call that I good night. So you know how low my bar is.

Don’t forget to tip your waitresses, mostly cause I’m dating one of them, and I don’t get paid for this, and one of us needs to make enough money tonight to at least cover my bar tab.

And don’t worry about me being a starving artist, I’m keeping my day job. Of course, my day job is being a writer, so that doesn’t actually help that much.

Anyway, in conclusion and summary, if you meet someone special, maybe even someone tonight here in the club, whether you’re straight, gay , a woman who likes other women, or somewhere else on that short string of letters that ends with a +, always keep that first sinful, put granted fun, ‘L’ feeling under control, and don’t say the other ‘L’ word too fast, and whatever you do, wherever your relationships lead you, try to avoid getting those blood sucking representatives from the dreaded ‘L’ occupation involved, else you might as well be walking around with a big ‘L’ emblazoned prominently on your forehead.

Good night, happy Valentine’s Day & get home safe. Thank you

Mike picks up his empty beer and steps off the stage into the crowd, to a smattering of applause. He catches up to Candy, puts his empty bottle on her tray, and dramatically hugs then kisses her on the cheek. That gets healthier applause than his set did.

She playfully bats him away and turns to finish serving the table she is at.

Smiling and giving one last wave to the crowd, only a few of which are even still paying attention, he moves on through the relative darkness to the back of the room and leans against the bar that stretches across the back wall.

“Why do you insist on carrying on with Candy like that?” asks the lady cleaning glasses behind the bar.

“Oh, she just lo…, thinks it’s great. Says it works wonders for improving her tips.”

“It is quite the performance. You just better hope her ’L’ word girlfriend doesn’t get jealous one day and decide to kick your ass.”

“No worries. Deidre and I have an understanding. I can kiss Candy to boost tips, and in return she can kiss you as compensation whenever she feels the need.”

“Ah, no… leave me outta this sorted, whatever it is you three have going.”

Mike sits down, the bartender placing a beer in front of him before he can ask.

“On the house?”

“On your tab. And that tab is getting pretty damn big. We might have to start talking about ways you can work it off.”

When he smiled and gave her an enthusiastic look, she added, “And not in any way that you would seriously enjoy.”

A lady from the audience has been cajoled into mounting the stage to sing, and is currently belting out a half-drunken version of Set Fire to the Rain.

“So, what did you think of the set?” Mike asks.

“Well, I can’t speak for the rest of the crowd, but I just lov….laughed uncontrollably, could hardly constrain myself.”

“So that was you. I thought somebody out in the crowd was having a seizure. Well, glad somebody liked it.”

“You now, it wouldn’t hurt to give me a head’s up when you’re going to talk about us up on stage.”

“OK, here’s the heads up. If I’m on stage doing anything other than mopping up where somebody ralphed in the corner, I’ll probably be talking about us at some point. Good to know?”

“Good to know.”

A young couple appears out of the darkness of the club and approaches the bar.

“Excuse us, we don’t mean to interrupt, but do either of you know where we can find the owner around?”

“Why, is there a complaint?” asks Mike. “Health code violation, somebody owe somebody else money?”

“Give it a rest, amateur funny man. You’re off the clock.”

“No, we were hoping to talk to them about renting the place out. We’re getting married in a few months.”

“Well in that case, congratulations, and you’re looking at her,” Mike says, shooting his thumb at the lady behind the bar.

“Hi, I’m Sandy”, she says, reaching over the bar. “Sandy Love. I’m the owner.”

“Oh, what a romantic name you have.”

“You’d think so, but not really. It’s more like a curse.”

Looking at Mike, she adds, “But we’re working on that.”