A True Plumbing Story

The bathtub faucet had developed an unnerving leak. I watched helplessly over the coming days and weeks as the endless fat droplets evolved into a menacing stream . . . with teeth.

I knew it was time to call a plumber. But the thought of the hefty bill i would soon receive filled my heart with desolation. That is why (eureka!) I decided to try my hand at plumbing.

Like any good do-it-yourselfer I decided to start by watching a You Tube plumbing video. I clicked on the first one. I was greeted by the sight of an older portly gentleman, belly slightly overhanging faded jeans. Almost at once I began to feel calmer. Here was a pro, at my fingertips, ready and willing to end my abject misery!

Like most people who make You Tube videos, he started by introducing himself and filling me in about his background. He said he had a beautiful wife and two wonderful children in college. Sadly, i thought of my own kids who had dropped out of high school and seemed to be forever battling their way upstream in the river of life. The plumber said he loved to hunt and fish in his spare time, when he was not busy being a plumber. He was a very likable guy. I relaxed for the first time since the bathtub became so disobedient.  So relaxed was I, in fact. that I began to nod off. I dreamed of beautiful neon parrots in the rain forest. I did not want to wake up ever  But all good things must end. I woke up to a video about overweight Americans. Afternoon sunlight slanted thru the blinds. Damn auto-play!

I decided to start the faucet project the very next morning.  I reasoned that it had been leaking for as long as I could remember so one more day wouldn't matter.   

Morning came and I found the plumbing video again. This time I started it in the middle. 

I flicked through scenes till I I was rewarded with a glimpse of plumbers butt. This really was my kind of guy. He was sitting on a little plastic bench in the bathtub and removing a faucet housing. A brass coupling was revealed. He picked up a large pipe wrench and unscrewed it, revealing a rather sizable chunk of plastic. This, he said, was called a "cartridge".  He explained that the seals wear out and they begin to leak. I concluded that plumbing was easy.

I gathered some random tools and proceeded to the tub. I pried the front cover off the bathtub faucet and unscrewed the hot/cold assembly. I had a pair of plumbers pliers which I used to attempt to unscrew the brass coupling, but nothing happened, so I rummaged in the basement until I found a large pipe wrench. I returned to the tub thinking that this hefty tool would certainly do the trick. I secured the heavy wrench to the coupling and gave it a mighty tug but the fitting steadfastly refused to budge.  My zeal evaporated and I felt my blood pressure begin to rise with anxiety. Oh, whatever could I do?!  I desperately thought of calling a plumber. But for now, I decided to take a nice relaxing hot bath and try to calm down. I reassembled the faucet.

As I relaxed in the hot water with steam swirling lazily around me, my thoughts kept returning to the leak. "What would a real plumber do?", I wondered to myself. I really had no idea. But now I was calm enough to think rationally. I thought about tight things. I recalled my past experiences with tight things in general. Let's say I couldn't unscrew the lid off a jar.and no men were about. I always resorted to that age old trick of running hot water over the lid.  Works every time. Suddenly I knew what to do! I scrambled out of the tub, pulled the stopper, got dressed, and retrieved the pipe wrench. I returned to the tub, turned the hot water on full bore, and disassembled the outer faucet again. Then I sat down and waited for everything to get good and hot. When I reckoned enough time had passed I called daughter Dana and her boyfriend Jace in, just in case I needed assistance. Jace was a no-show because he works second shift and needed to sleep.

Dana and I apprehensively positioned ourselves at the side of the tub.  I turned the hot water off. So far, so good.  I imagined that the task would take a mighty effort and that it was possible that I would fail. But I heaved the heavy wrench unto the coupling and secured it. I gave it everything I had and the infernal fitting finally busted loose with an unsettling pop. Dana and I gawked at each other in surprise.  I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I was. Now all I had to do was unscrew it the rest of the way. This part of the job was uneventful until suddenly the cartridge exploded out of the faucet riding the crest of a killer wave! It hit the back wall of the tub with an ear splitting bang! Dimly as if from far away I heard Dana's screams . . . and worst of all, the torrent was never ending! It was like a fire hose on full bore! Jace materialized phantom like next to the tub, sleep interrupted by our shrieks of terror. "Shut off the well!!!, I bellowed at Jace at the top of my lungs. He looked at me quizically, like I had furiously insisted he build a car capable of running on cow farts. I turned and bolted down the basement stairs, raced to the well disconnect, and slammed it with enough force to knock it sideways. Then I raced back upstairs. As I sprinted to the bathroom at top speed, waves of water lapped ominously down the hall towards me. I skidded to a halt in the doorway. The tub was overflowing and Dana and Jace were staring transfixed at the endless torrent. "What should we do ?" asked Dana, teardrops quivering upon her dark eyelashes, as she captured me in the haze of her beautiful jade eyes. I turned away and looked stupidly at the water. "I don't know, I'm not a plumber, I said tiredly."  As I surveyed the disaster zone, a lite bulb clicked on in my head. "Why hadn't I thought of this before?" I ran all around the house turning on the sink faucets. Upstairs, downstairs, basement. There were a lot. I flushed the other toilet. I ran back to the bathroom to observe any effect this might have had on the problem. The high pressure blast slowed and finally trickled to a halt. Leaving us standing in an inch of water. Dana and Jace began methodically soaking up the water with clean towels. 

I fished thru the bathtub water looking for the cartridge. I picked it up and springs fell out and whooshed down the drain. Despair! I stuffed my fingers down the drain after them but came up empty! "Looks like were going to Lowe's", said Dana.

Typically when I go to Lowe's I wander around until I find someone to point me in the right direction. When I get to the correct department it will be deserted and silent. I stand at the desk, hoping to spot a team member. Time passes. Someone is coming! But like all those videos where the rescue helicopter zooms over the dying man and doesn't see him, the guy passes me without a glance. "Wait!",  I cry out to him, "I need help!" I stumble after him, waving my arms frantically. At last he hears me and grinds to a reluctant halt. " I need help and no one's here!" I blurted out desperately. So he saunters over to the desk and pages someone. I wait in front of the desk, scanning the horizon for signs of activity.   It takes so long that when the associate finally appears I am shocked to see him. I am so happy that he has arrived that I don't even bitch about the time it took him to come.

See, I know how it is at Lowe's. I didn't want to drive all the way there and waste half an hour waiting for help only to have a vacant-eyed sales clerk tell me he doesn't know what a faucet cartridge is. So I marched directly to the customer service desk and promptly asked them if there was anyone there who knew anything about plumbing. They paged this guy that actually turned up in a couple minutes. He not only produced a cartridge, he explained how to install it! He said, "Remember how you took everything apart?" I nodded eagerly. "Just put it back together the same way." So happy was I that I invited him over to dinner. :)

Unlike many of my other stories, this one has a happy ending. Back in the bad old days, the cat Pisces would position herself under the bathtub faucet when thirsty,  to catch fat delicious droplets upon her waiting tongue. she would close her eyes blissfully as she rolled them about her mouth, savoring the sparkly cold freshness between her teeth. Now I sometimes find her passed out in the bathtub, having fallen asleep waiting for the water.  

the end