In My Daughter's Eyes

The rain drums aggressively against the bedroom windows; which have been covered by the blackout curtains. The house is engulfed in the daunting embrace of midnight, with the exception of the candle in the bathroom Max Adler forgot to blow out before turning in for the night. The hardwood floor creaks beneath his feet and his knees crack as he prepares to stand. With a gentle hand on the door knob, he enters the bathroom and retrieves the candle from her side of the counter. Her makeup is still scattered and a framed picture, capturing the happiest moment of their life is displayed. He holds the candle with both hands and closes his eyes to absorb the scent, fresh cut lilacs. Her favourite.

As he prepares to dismiss the flame, he has one sentiment to offer the seemingly empty room. “I only wish I could’ve saved you”. He squeezes his eyes shut like a child on their birthday. However, today is far from a day of celebration. The thirty year old gym teacher sits in the dark for a minute more, saying a little prayer. Suddenly he is reminded that despite his feelings, he is not alone. As he exits the bathroom, the cries of his one year old daughter grow louder and more demanding. 

Making a right turn, he enters the baby’s room with caution. In the middle of the dimly lit and well kept nursery, one year old Robin stands in her crib. Her milk chocolate brown hair stands in every direction possible. Her wide, worrisome green eyes- her mother’s eyes stare back at Max. 

“Hey, pretty bird. What’s the matter?” he asks as he lifts her out of the crib and cradles her in his muscular arms. Her cries are not as fierce as they once were. Instead, she rests her head against his chest,  takes in the sound of his heartbeat and sniffles. 

“I think I know what you need” Max says matter of factly. 

For the briefest of moments, father and daughter return to the bathroom. Dimming the light half way, he flips the switch to retrieve the framed photo on the counter. With a maneuver of his elbow and a gentle but swift kick to the door, Robin and Max return to the nursery. 

Settling himself and the baby into the rocking chair, Max holds the photograph in front of them. He runs a hand over his growing beard to keep himself from uttering a single cry. He then wipes a tear from the corner of his right eye that threatens to fall. Much like the rumble of rain outside, the grief he has suppressed over the past 6 months demands to be acknowledged. 

“Robin, this is your mommy and me on the day that you were born. She loved you so much” Max sighs, memorizing that proud smile on his wife’s face as she admired the newborn in her arms. “I’ll tell you about her in the morning at a very special place”. At that, the baby dozes off in her father’s arms; completely unaware of the upcoming day that weighs on his soul. 

~

Mid morning rears its head and Max is on the road. His heart races and his palms sweat against the steering wheel as he is seconds away from his destination. Robin is in the back singing and babbling without a care in the world. What Max wouldn’t give to go back to a life so pure and innocent. One without pain. One that has yet to teach him about the harsh realities of life. 

Upon parking the car and retrieving the baby from her carseat, Max greets the bright spring day with a breath of nervousness. A visit like today’s is long overdue. Father and daughter walk the path until they find the headstone they are looking for. 

Paige Eloise Adler 

Nov 25, 1985- Apr 6, 2016 

Always trying to save the world 

Max sits in front of it and places Robin on his lap. As he traces the engraved information, a chill is sent up his spine. For a moment, his mind flashes back to her lying in the hospital bed. The colour vanished from her once healthy peaches and cream complexion. Her left hand was drenched in blood as it clutched the stab wound from her client, who was brought to justice not long after. She had called before it happened, but Max was too late when he arrived at her office. 

“She was a therapist. She helped people when they were in trouble and needed to work out their big feelings. She was a real superhero” Max explained as he watched his daughter explore the space. 

Robin looks up at her father and then down at the headstone in front of her. After a minute or two, she begins drumming on it with one hand and utters a word Max never thought he’d hear from her. “Mama, mama”. 

Max is overwhelmed with pride and overcome with the pain of missing his wife. “I wish you could’ve heard that” he says, laying a gentle hand on the headstone. “I wish you could let me know if you did somehow”. Suddenly, a light breeze dances through the vicinity and encircles father and daughter. There is Max’s sign. 

Four Years Later… 

Young Robin Adler hides anxiously behind her father as dozens of children run excitedly through the schoolyard on a cool September morning. Others cling to their mothers and fathers, begging them not to go. 

“Mommy, don’t leave me!” a wavy-haired, young blonde pleads, staining the knee of her mother’s jeans with tears. Max looks towards Robin with concern. His heart breaks at the thought of her being denied every experience involving a mother. Never buying a Mother’s Day card and surprising Paige with breakfast in bed. Never getting their nails done together. Never having anyone to complain about him to. Never confiding in Paige about her first crush. But for the moment, never asking her mother to leave her behind. 

 Sensing his worries, the precocious brunette faces her father and asks innocently, “do you still miss her?” More and more each day, the inquisitive five year old resembles her mother- in looks and personality. Max is taken aback at his daughter’s inquiry. Over the years, they have had numerous discussions about Paige. He has done his best to answer every question Robin has had and tell every tale she is anxious to hear. 

“Every day, pretty bird” Max answers, on the verge of getting choked up. The guilt ridden dreams still haunt him on occasions such as Paige’s birthday or the anniversary of her death. However, he has come to see that a part of her will always be with him in their daughter’s eyes. 

“It’s okay, daddy. She’s in here” Robin replies as she places one hand over Max’s heart and another on her own. 

Twenty Years Later… 

Max retrieves a handkerchief from the left breast pocket of his navy blue suit. Even as he walks Robin down the aisle to the man of her dreams, he cannot fathom that this day is here. The sounds of the string quartet hard at work pierces his heart like an elegant, melodic dagger. The crowd filled with the young couple’s loved ones are singing the praises of father and daughter. 

“Oh, Robin Paige Adler. I can’t tell you how proud she would have been of you” the fifty five year old man says, facing his daughter who is a complete carbon copy of her mother; even in career choice. 

The bride offers her father a silent yet meaningful response as she prepares to face the man she will spend the rest of her life with. She places a free hand over her father’s rapidly beating heart. The other is tightly gripped around a bouquet of French lilacs. In return he places a hand over hers. 

“Who has given away the bride?” the minister asks, a man not that much older than Max.

Max clears his throat before he answers, “I am”. However, he is also fighting the urge to say more. I may be giving her away. But I am not losing her. I can’t. We can’t, he thinks to himself. 

As Max wipes yet another tear from the corner of his eye at the sight of bride and groom at the altar, he does not fight the tears of joy that follow. Instead he looks up at the popcorn ceiling and embraces that familiar breeze that encircles him. “Look what we made, Paige. We did that” he says in awe, and the proudest of smiles sneaks itself onto his face.