The Observer

TW: Harassment

I sit back against the cold seat on the Subway, The seat is always freezing but I never remember to bring an extra jacket to drape over it. It’s a Saturday and luckily I don’t have work so I have the whole day to myself. My music is loud in my ears but not loud enough because I can hear two guys across me snickering as they look me up and down. My stomach churns all of the sudden and I bring my legs to my chest. I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll aimlessly through Instagram, trying to pass the time. The guys laugh even harder and I look up, I see a notebook on one of their laps, numbers scrawled.

girl with baggy jeans-7. 

I look down at my light blue mom jeans and my heart pounds against my chest. 

The guys continue to look around the train, staring at other girls and writing numbers. A few people notice and shrug it off just like I am. I study their faces that I can see clearly with their masks under their chins. If they’re going to stare at me I might as well do it back, one of them can’t be older than twenty five and the other looks about thirty. They make me sick.

The train comes to a halt, I pick up my backpack and get off quickly, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Once I hike the stairs to get out of the station, my legs burning, I scan the area for places to eat, it’s been a while since I’ve been here. My eyes land on a tiny sandwich shop. They have takeout only and I’m in and out with a ham, bacon and lettuce sandwich. One thing NYC is good for is food. I look around, making sure no one is around and pull my mask off to eat. I walk silently, one airpod in, and when I finish my food, I throw the wrapper in a nearby trash can. Suddenly the music stops and I grab my phone.

Great. My phone is dead. On the street. By myself. In New York City. 

I stuff my hands into my pockets and hold onto the pepper spray I carry on me. The silence is gone and I hear heavy footsteps behind me. I quickly glance behind and see the same two guys I saw on the Subway. I curse under my breath and start to walk faster. I can feel their eyes glued to my back and their footsteps pick up. My fast walk turns into a jog and I can hear them laughing and moving faster behind me. I’m no longer jogging and am now full on running, and so are the guys behind me. Once I can almost feel their breath on my back, I turn and hold the pepper spray out in front of me, waving it at them. They stagger back, hands up in the air like they are so innocent. I keep my grip tight on the pepper spray and finally they walk away. 

I let out a giant sigh of relief and wipe the sweat off my face with shaking hands. 

Now I’m down at Central Park, I sit down on the bench and look around, observing everyone, an elderly couple, holding hands, walking around, a young family, playing catch, cheering each other on, newlyweds taking wedding pictures in the grass. I get up from the bench and walk around, taking in everything around me, the leaves on the trees changing colors, it’s gorgeous. A girl with long brown hair stands beside me, she says hello and we start to talk. We walk around awkwardly until we eventually find a nice spot in the grass and sit down. Hours go by of me and this stranger just talking, and then she has to go and that’s it, I’ll probably never see her again but that’s the beauty of NYC, full of interesting people. And also really shitty people. 

Next I’m at the Met, probably my favorite museum in NYC even though it’s mostly full of tourists, but it really does live up to its hype. I sit under my favorite painting, “Interior of Saint Peter’s, Rome,” While I’m in the museum no one bothers me, no one badgers me with questions, no one harasses me, it’s so peaceful and I love it. I wander all over the museum, my sketchbook in hand, that’s a new hobby of mine, drawing what I see. I wander all over, fascinated at everything, the amazing paintings, photographs, sculptures, and the artifacts from so long ago. Looking around, I see that most people are just as amazed as me, mouths wide open, chattering about what they see loudly. I could spend all day here and sometimes I do but right now I don't have time. The Met is huge, each section of it taking me over an hour to see everything, by the time I leave, my legs are exhausted but I’m not done yet. I go to about five more places after the Met and really just take time to observe and enjoy it. The amount of things I notice that I’ve never noticed before surprises me. 

And now I’m back in my apartment, I grab the box of mac & cheese from the counter and dumb the noodles into the boiling water. I finish and sit down at the table. I stab a noodle with my fork and notice that my hands are still a little shaky from earlier, I try to forget what happened, I don’t feel like thinking about it, not that it’s never happened to me before but this is the first time I’ve had to use my pepper spray. I force the memory from my mind and remember the great times I had today, I have a satisfying feeling that I know comes from doing so much in a day, I’ve only been able to get that feeling from living in NYC.

I don’t understand how I can love and hate a city so much at the same time. But I do.