AKAKA TAATA LEZA NDAKOMBA

My diary

Sunday, February 10, 1981

Dear Diary,

Today was a special day for me, my first day at a secondary school.

The Head looked angry as he showed me, my class.

At eight hours, my heart leaped up with true joy when the maths teacher, Ms. Chiyumba, entered our class. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. There was a big smile on her big moist lips as she greeted us warmly. Her eyes were cleverly hidden behind dark glasses. What happened next made me the happiest boy in class, if not the whole of Pemba High School.

The madam taught briefly and then came to sit at my desk ‘pretending’ to be explaining equations to me. It all became hogwash when her soft, warm skin touched my arm and my nostrils were filled with the smell of cheese. I lost track of everything as my mind quickly flew away. Better things ejected Mathematics from my mind.

I couldn’t see what she was writing in my book -my eyes could only see strange nails dancing on my paper. They looked like Jezebel’s nails dipped in blood. I tried to look down to prevent a direct eyeball to eyeball hook up but I ended up seeing brown thighs beckoning to me from a short skirt. They were loaded with promises of pleasure if only someone could touch them. The bastard Oedipus visited me- I want her badly; my cobra started uncoiling urgently. My fingers were now trembling like feelers of an insect. They stretched eagerly towards the brown thighs-they were itching for a feel of the soft flesh. They were was just a centimeter to …when

“Excuse me, madam!” Kamanda exclaimed at the other end of the class. Thank God, the near-disaster was averted.

“Mackay, pay attention!” she howled as she hurriedly walked away from my desk –away from my fingers which were still stretched out.

When the bell rang for break, I was the first out of class. I didn’t want anyone to see the bulging tail I was pushing in front of my trousers.

Later, in the dorm, rude pupils mocked me and called me ‘Zeze’; a small idiot. I couldn’t even sleep – some Neanderthals had soaked my beddings in water.

That night also bristled with a lot of niceties. I saw small suns burning brightly from the roof. What a thrill it was making them go off and on simply by touching a little blob on the wall. The only drawback was the horror of sharing one large bedroom with fifty other boys. Are we sardines? The other problem was food. Who said humans should eat beans? Beans is food for pigs unless it is eaten with beef. As if that was not enough trouble already, they forced us to eat in a huge group like animals grazing. A secondary school is indeed a strange place.

Goodnight

Mackay

Saturday, April 12, 1981

Dear Diary,

The day started off well. I met a beautiful girl called Hiimbi. I quickly tried my luck. To my dismay, she bounced my proposal with a toss of her Brazilian hair wildly. Her lips twisted in disgust wowing a “get lost” taunt.

My hormones refused to take no as an answer. I wanted her badly and could not let her go just like that. Her reasons for bouncing me were plain stupid-“you have big teeth like a pig,” she shouted. Nonsense, I thought big teeth were better because one can use them for fighting as well as eating.

Therefore, I made a plan to ‘chop’ her at all costs. That night when everyone was fast asleep, I sneaked into her bedroom like an incubus. She was lying on the floor fast asleep. I lay next to her and tried to remove the nylon knickers. They were tight and could neither come off nor open to give space. I couldn’t give up, where would I take the erection which by now was killing me? The cobra was rock hard like a six-inch nail and its head was striking wildly. I took a knife and cut the knickers away exposing some warm swamps. Then I raised her leg and inserted the cobra smoothly into the swamps from behind. It glided into the warm softness with a revivifying slosh. My breathing changed, maybe forever.

After a few seconds of thrusting the weirdest thing happened. My whole body convulsed, jerking violently like someone with a paralytic seizure. I was also uttering involuntary sounds like iyaaya! Iyaaa...ya aaa! This went on until my cobra spat out three spurts of ‘venom’. The feeling was beyond description like someone had poured cold water on me. I experienced a total release, which made me completely calm.

I was still enjoying myself when Hiimbi uttered a slight moan and started turning around. My brain realized the danger; I quickly pulled my cobra out and escaped from the room. As clever as Albert Einstein ha!

Later Lyson told me, “You ejaculated for the first time. It is always a wonderful experience.”

Good reading

Mackay

Friday, December 10, 1981

Dear Diary,

Tonight my whole body was tensed up. I had the feeling of someone facing real catastrophes. The terrible premonition of danger assaulted me. Even as I lay to sleep my own blankets were heavy and the night appeared darker than normal. My room was haunted by a strange power. I dreaded going to sleep. However, by twenty hours, sleep overtook me, one that was broken by a horrible nightmare.

In the dream, I was dancing at a party when uncle Kapuka arrived.

Kapuka’s reputation as ‘terminator’ caused panic among the youths. As soon as he entered the party screaming youths scampered in all directions much like rats scattering when a cat comes. Some youths were heard shouting ‘wizard, killer’ as they ran. Even some elderly people complained when they saw him. Surprisingly, Kapuka picked on me as the reason why everyone was heaping insults on him.

When my aunt Bina Kazana heard Kapuka complaining, she convened a kangaroo court to try to placate the old man. The court was immediately sat.

“I have called this meeting to …,” Bina Kazana was cut short by uncle Kapulisa, a short and stocky man. He was dark in complexion and had a pointed mouth topping a sharp chin. His nose resembled a nose that had received one punch too many. If wearing black he looked like a short stump that had survived a fire. Actually, he was wearing a black suit.

 ‘A nanny goat cannot impregnate a he-goat,” he said one eye slanted toward Kapuka in a conspiratorial wink. He did not want Bina Kazana to chair the meeting.

Quickly, by consent of everyone he was given the chair, only one person clapped. The rest stayed quiet, smitten with awe.

‘With all the traditions respected, May I now ask brother Kapuka to elaborate on the matter concerning this useless boy MacKay,’ Kapulisa said.

Kapuka glared at me with red evil eyes like a dog glaring at a piece of meat in the hunter’s hands.

‘MacKay has a habit of insulting me every time we meet, but today it was worse. He made such a fool of me that all the children ran away from me as if I am a bad animal.” he said.

 Kapulisa swung his porcupine face towards me. Eyes set deep in the sockets, making an apparent effort to intimidate me. “Mackay, just because you are at university you think you can be insulting us, right?”

“Kapulisa! Be fair,” My uncle Mweete said. He was disgusted by the kind of court Kapulisa had in mind. He creased his brown face making the general’s mustache bristling like blades of grass.

‘Mweete, stand aside, “Kapulisa said angrily. He continued now using a proverb; “Kapuka punish this boy severely but please remember a lion leaves bones for the hyenas.”

Kapuka sprang up and came for me like a ten-ton truck. He hacked me down and tied my hands so that I could not defend myself. He grabbed my neck and raised the ax to cut my head.

His grip was tight. I could not move my head to dodge the horrible ax. His tortoise face had an evil smell of a grave, my heart actually stopped pumping. I expected the slicing pain of an ax on my head. My voice had gone. I could not call for help. I did not want to die,

Just then, the image of Jesus crying on the cross flashed for a second. I screamed with all my heart reciting his cry; ‘Akaka taata Leza ndakomba.’ Suddenly, a being in a blinding flash appeared, he pushed Kapuka away.

Kapuka stood a few meters away looking very confused. He pointed at me but was ordered out of the room. I woke up smelling death my heart pounding rapidly and I was very scared.

Jesus saved me from witchcraft today. Whatever his reasons, I can’t understand because I am such a wretched sinner. Someone help me thank him, please…

I thank you Jesus of Nazareth- your cry on Calvary saved me from death.

Mackay

Tuesday, February 2, 1990

Dear Diary,

Today was a terrible day for me. It is now four days since I had a nice time with my girlfriend Sitwala. Since that day I have had severe pain on my cobra making urinating very painful. There is also an itching blister inside my anus which makes me scratch every time.

 When I saw pimples on the foreskin, I rushed to the university clinic where the doctor diagnosed an STI called herpes. “You have herpes MacKay,” he said mournfully. “Herpes is incurable, just like AIDS.”

I won’t even marry- which girl would want to marry a diseased man? I won’t even have children-what a mess I have landed myself in? I hate Sitwala with a passion-she has brought real misery on me, my whole life is now useless.

Nineteen hours, I can’t take this anymore. There is no way my life can be governed by this curse. Maybe the grave is better off after all. I am so depressed. I have decided to commit suicide. Mom, I am terribly sorry I will never give you grandchildren.

I got thirty Chloroquine tablets with the intention of swallowing them all. Charles, my friend banged the door to enter my room just in time. I had only swallowed ten but still, my vision had deteriorated badly. He was appalled as he rushed me back to the clinic where they neutralized the drug. As I rested someone gave me a Plain Truth magazine whose article about Hellfire scared me so much that I was forced to pray.

Pray for me, please!

Mackay

Tuesday, April 2, 2020

Dear Diary,

A new disease has broken out that has kept me at home for the past four days. I cannot buy food, toothpaste or detergents and I now smell like a cow.

I tried to go out at ten hours, but the police beat me severely and came to dump me at my door.

What is this disease that must prevent me from buying food at the market?

I was told by someone it is called Corona, a Chinese disease invented to kill Americans if war broke out.

But why should these stupid police officers beat me up? Am I an American?

Later I was told that my friend and mentor Bill Gates had a vaccine. What good news?

But within an hour, I realized that the news was not even good at all. "The vaccine," someone was saying "is meant to kill off all Africans."

"Why?" I asked perplexed.

"Because the world food supply is limited," he continued like some preacher. “There isn't enough to cater for 'useless eaters' as he called us."What rubbish?

However, as evening approached something else forced me to defy the police ban on movement. I sneaked out to meet Tina Ngoma, my beautiful girl. I just had to. The juices were boiling inside under pressure, what with her voice caressing my nerves on the line. I didn't want to go mad over a natural act like 'chopping.' No man wants to massage an angry cobra under the curse of lonely darkness.

Now I am back from my adventure very satisfied. But hey! What about this sneezing and coughing that is suddenly shaking my body? It makes me feel very weak and gives me serious problems in breathing. Please don't tell me that from now onwards I may start breathing through those tubes. I saw them on one dying woman in a TV documentary. Those horrible tubes are just in films not on me, Nooooo.

Pray for me, please! I don't want to die. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I was just responding to one of nature's damnable calls. Akaka taata Leza ndakomba

What a day

Mackay