Life Raft

Aug 1, 2024:

As per the advice of a friend, (and by friend I mean my therapist) because who has those at thirty-five, I’m going to keep a log of things I’m grateful for. I saw a puppy that looked a lot like Riley on the drive home. I must be a cocker spaniel whisperer because I’ve been seeing them everywhere.

Aug 2, 2024:

Don’t know if I can do this crap every day. When you think about it a typical week in anyone’s life is damn boring and uneventful. Mine’s no exception. I didn’t get screamed at by anyone as soon as I answered the phone, so I guess that’s a win/grateful thingie?

I did get screamed at about twenty minutes before the day ended, but thought I was calm and handled it well? Eh. I’m sensitive and these things affect me more than I can really articulate. I get that it sucks when your doctor orders the wrong prescription; that does have the ability to ruin your entire day. But I’m not the one who sent the wrong meds. A receptionist has no clue what goes on behind the scenes. What is part of my job though is letting this person’s doctor know a mistake was made.

After I told her I’d let the doc know, I asked in a polite tone if I could help with anything else. (We’re required to) She huffed and said no the way I’d imagine you’d say no to a kid asking if they’d be able to grow wings for their birthday.

Aug 4, 2024:

I missed a couple of days, sue me. I do have a valid reason. I had to pick up the rest of my crap from Marissa’s house, as well as try not to look at either her or Riley before leaving. We split on amicable terms; the one who’s devastated is Riley. She’s got used to me being there every day and is confused now. Believe me when I say I’d take that sweet pup with me in a heartbeat. I love her, but I’m not going to get too deep into this topic; trying very hard not to cry.

Coming up empty for anything to be grateful for at the moment. Maybe that I’m grateful I found love in both a person and a dog for three years. Three years can be a lifetime to some, right? It felt short to me but I’m still glad my life had all that love in it.

Aug 6, 2024:

Okay, hear me out. While I didn’t write my gratitude the last couple days, I have been a grateful bastard as of late. Here’s why. I’ve been going to this lake over the weekends; the same one I went to as a kid. It’s been really peaceful and I’m usually the only one there. I bring a book with me and get some sun in my $180 bathing suit. (Why are they so expensive?!) So I’m grateful for being alone at the lake with my book. Yeah, never letting anyone read that sentence; doesn’t sound good at all.

Aug 8, 2024:

My therapist also suggested I join a book club to help with my confidence. So far it’s been awkward. It’s not that I can’t add anything of substance to the discussion, I just feel a little silly holding the book we’ve all read, sitting around this circle of women who are all incredibly beautiful and brainy. I’m still in work clothes, my hair a rat’s nest, hungry, and more than a little tired. I’d go on the weekends but that would cut into my lake time.

Okay, gratitude for today: I’m grateful I didn’t say anything stupid because I tend to when I haven’t had enough sleep.

Aug 10, 2024:

Someone else was sunbathing at the lake when I got there. I really did not know what to do. Normal people say hello, right? Right, but I’m not people. I’m hardly a person, which is why I ran. I felt weird being there.

She likely wanted to be there alone, so I wasn’t about to deprive her of that. I took a walk around the neighborhood in my bathing suit and a few passersby gave me funny looks. (The suit is a one-piece and not revealing at all, but can still understand the looks I got).

I imagined some saying “oh look honey, there’s the town weirdo!”

I’m grateful I didn’t get cat-called or reprimanded. (I know this one sucks). Again I’m coming up empty on gratitude today. Guess I’m grateful for another day. Another day to do a little bit better and not walk around in my bathing suit again.

Aug 12, 2024:

It turns out I’ve already met the woman at the lake. (I decided to talk to her since every weekend I decided to go swimming she was there too). Her name’s Eve and she’s the talkative one from my book club. I’ve always enjoyed hearing her thoughts the most. She said she liked my company at the lake because she feels a lot safer with someone else there.

I’m grateful I found someone I have a bunch in common with. She even agreed it’s super awkward at book club sometimes. Sometimes you don’t know where to begin, especially if you have a lot of thoughts about what you’ve read.

Aug 13, 2024:

Wanted to write this real quick since it’s something I’m extremely grateful for. Or more like I’m extremely grateful to Eve. I kind of choked at book club today. I was sleep deprived and stressed and couldn’t articulate my thoughts about the story. It was so frustrating, since I knew exactly what I’d wanted to say; just couldn’t get the words out for anything.

Eve nudged me with her foot and asked if I was okay. My soul had long departed my body by that point.

Perfect, I told her. She knew I was drowning, but I didn’t expect what happened next for anything.

“Would you say that Ivy needs time to process the situation?”

Eve asked this in a calm and even tone. My shoulders immediately relaxed. The words came back to me.

“Yes. She doesn’t want to spit out a hasty response, that’s not who she is.”

Eve agreed, smiling at me before turning back to the group. They all agreed as well. On the drive back I thanked her for throwing me that life raft. She said: “don’t mention it, sweets. We all need one sometimes.”

Aug 15, 2024:

Life has been uneventful as of late, except for the fact that I have a silly little crush on Eve. That’s hardly something to write home about. Especially at my age. We filled entire notebooks about our crushes as teens, doodling little hearts all over the pages too. When you’re an old lady it’s a little pathetic to put into words, even in a journal no one else sees. I see it and I’m still wincing.

Eve’s been busy so I haven’t seen her in almost two weeks. I still go to book club when I feel up to it, though I’ve been neglecting the lake the last couple of weekends. My parents are coming into town this weekend so I’ve been cleaning and hiding all my romance novels. (They know I read them, but I’d rather they weren’t within view).

I’m definitely grateful for my parents. They’ve always accepted my sexuality and I feel really lucky. They were there for me when Marissa and I split and allowed me to grieve. Just wish they didn’t live on the west coast. They’re happy there, so I never push. They might come down here in time anyhow.

Aug 25, 2024:

Eve and I kissed on the drive back home. Where we went is irrelevant, and to be honest, I forgot where. I don’t want to say any more than it was an incredible kiss, because rambling on about it might jinx everything that takes place after. It was though, incredible. Absolutely incredible and I am 1000% grateful for it.

Sept 4, 2024:

Time got away from me. Well, I’ve been on a few dates with Eve which doesn’t leave much time for writing in here. Everything feels perfect with her so far. No obvious red flags, and who knows why, but she really seems to like me. She’s hilarious and always tries to make me laugh. Her sarcastic sense of humor compliments mine (and often outshines whatever I’d thought to say to make her laugh, but I hardly mind). I’ll never stop being grateful for people who can make me laugh until I’m gasping for air and it hurts so good.

Nov 16, 2026:

Tomorrow at noon I marry the love of my life. (Never thought I’d say those words out loud, least of all immortalize them in a journal, but here we are!) My parents will be there, as well as hers and the rest of her immediate family. We both wanted a quiet, simple wedding, nothing excessive or flashy. I know for a fact I’ll never know a better love than Eve’s. Never. I’m so grateful she exists at the same time as me. I’m grateful our families will be there too. What’s higher than cloud nine? I’m on cloud one-hundred million, or maybe another plane of existence altogether. My heart is so light. I love her with everything I am. I get to keep laughing with her and that will never stop being incredible to me.