The Only Constant

They’re comforting. The stars. The fact that there are at least a hundred thousand million out there, and they each hold their own unique beauty. A beauty many overlook. We go about our days thinking only about the things we’re forced to, forgetting there are so many other things that are much more worth our time and thoughts. 

That’s why I lay here every night, no matter the weather, gazing up at the dazzling beauty that is our universe. Even when clouds plague the sky and not a single star is visible, I lay here. I lay here to remind myself of the beauty. To remember that though I may just be one human in a world of billions, I am so much more. You see, stars are a lot like humans. They’re born and live a long, beautiful life. We recognize a few, the celebrities, our favorites. Many have names, maybe all of them. And each one of them is different from the next. They may look the same on the outside, but inside they’re not. They’re made up of the same gases, but there is something the slightest bit different that makes them each their own. This thought comforts me in my darkest moments. It comforts me now as I lie on the grass, wrapped in a blanket, letting the slowly fading summer wrap me in its chilling embrace. A tear trickles from the corner of my eye. The pain of all that I once had tingling in my every limb. I hadn’t expected it. All had been good. All had always been good. Never once had we fought, and maybe that’s where the problem was. Maybe we got so caught up in what we were supposed to be that we forgot what we wanted to be. We put on smiles when it hurt, pulled each other closer when we needed space, laughed it off when we should have talked. Maybe we were just pretending to be in love. Because that’s what was expected. That’s what we had dreamed of in our most foolish moments. 

I didn’t ask why. I took his words and walked off, the smile fading from my eyes. The smile that had torn across my face the moment I finished the album. The moment I knew I was about to record something that would have the potential to change my life. I was on my way to tell him, journal in the passenger seat, The Regrettes setting the mood through the speakers. But when he opened the door, it wasn’t the boy I fell in love with. It was a man I've never once met. He told me he couldn’t, it was too much, he was leaving. I didn’t even notice the stray bra on the floor until later while replaying his words, wondering where I had gone wrong, how I could have fixed it. 

I pick up on the presence of another soul and let my eyes dart to either side in search of who it might be. And then he’s above me, messy brown curls tumbling into the hazel that had mesmerized me the moment I met him. I feel my heart soften as my body tenses and tear my eyes from his, sitting up so my hair falls into my face, blocking him from view. I don’t say a thing. I have nothing to say. Nothing I want to say. 

“I’m sorry.” A laugh. My response to those who apologize for things they won’t take back. “I am, Lin, I’m sorry. I feel like an ass.” His hand has found its way to my back, his finger tracing circles of comfort. I yank myself away, creating the space that was always there. “Lin.” He sighs. Frustrated. Defeated. The tears have dried from my eyes. He deserves no more than a few. And I gave him that. I won’t give him anymore.

“Won’t you just say something? Please? I didn’t want to hurt you; you know that.” 

“But you did.” My voice, like gravel, seems to still the night. My heart is all I can hear, not a single creature offering its thoughts to the world. Even the breeze has vanished leaving us sitting in complete stillness. 

“But I…”

“Who was she?” I told myself I didn’t care. Told myself I wouldn’t dig. But in this moment, all I want is to know if what I think I saw was true. I want to know I’m not crazy, know there’s nothing I can do to fix this. 

“Lin…” His voice fades into the night, shame framing the edges, proof there’s guilt. Just enough for me to know what I need to know. 

“You can go now.” I keep my gaze focused on the distance, continuing to stare into nothing. One look could change all. The guilt, the love, the pain in his eyes. It could change everything if I were to turn his way. But I’m determined to keep our story going in the direction it’s headed. It has to. Because all that we were was a lie, an act, a dream. 

“Lin, please. I don’t want this to be over.”

“But you do. The moment you chose someone else. That’s the moment you decided this is over. Please, go.” I feel the breeze of his defeated sigh. It tickles my arm, tangles itself in my darkened waves. And I stare, waiting, ignoring. It’s  a moment before I feel the presence of his soul shift, a moment before I hear the few stray leaves crunch beneath his feet. When I do, I turn, searching for his figure, wanting more than anything to hold him tight, but knowing I will never see him again. Knowing it’s over. All of it. It’s as if it never happened. 

I sigh, falling back, my eyes closed for just a moment, long enough to hold my broken pieces in place while the wave of hurt washes over all that I am. When it settles, and I’m sure the pieces won’t fall too far apart, I let my eyes flutter open to gaze up at the vast comfort that will always remain. No matter where I am, no matter who I’m with or how I feel, they’ll always be there, the only constant in my ever-changing life.