Leave Me Alone

           All I want is P & Q, P & Q: Peace and Quiet. My wife is out of town, the kids are at camp, my phone is turned off, the candles are lit, and I set three minutes left on the timer for the tub. After three minutes I’ll turn off the tub. I have Mozart playing in the background, and life is calm. 

           My name is Joe and I freeze bombs for a living. I’m 28 and Caucasion, with a buzz cut which I need for my job. What happens is if there’s an active bomb threat, someone calls 911 and 911 calls us and we show up to the scene with freeze spray.  Bombs’ electrical systems don’t work when they’re under -315 degrees Fahrenheit. They stop and we set them off in the same place the doctors put biohazardous waste. Then, after 45 minutes, everyone already gone, the bombs explode, but no one’s hurt. Not even animals. The place is near B.F.E. 

           But today is R & R (Rest and Relaxation) and P & Q. Then, Murphy starts butting in. Murphy as in Murphy’s Law. 

The doorbell rings. Why? Right after I set up the alarm system for the house. So, I go, hear the timer go off, run upstairs (this is relaxation?), turn off the tub, go to the alarm system beside the side of the door, put in the code , and open the door. 

           I see a man in a pressed black three-piece suit (I didn’t think men wore vests anymore) and I’m standing there with a white towel with red and pink poke-a-dots. 

           “What? What do you want? What’s it about?” I ask.

           The man has a smile on his face and a frown in his eyes. He says he’s here to represent Avon and wants to know if my wife’s in.

           “No. She’s out and my kids are gone and all I want is . . .”

           Then the man says it’s now in fashion for men to wear make-up.

           These are the days I wished I’d invested in a gun for self-defense. 

           “I don’t have any interest in no make-up. Give me your card and I’ll give it to my wife and girls. Then, get the hell out of here, so I can get some . . .”

           Then this idiot tells me they’re having a special today and if they order within twenty-four hours, this idiot will double their order.

           “I . . .I don’t care. They don’t care. Just leave. I turned off the alarm and am now turning it back on.” I then dropped my towel, slammed the door, reset the alarm, and started to head upstairs to the tub. Wouldn’t the world be better if there weren’t any more salespeople? 

*

           So, I get upstairs, Mozart is still playing, I take a deep breath, and test the water with my right toes; It’s perfect. So I get in, and then I hear loud beeping and it won’t stop. I say curse words and get out of the tub. I put on the towel and go in the hall. The carbon monoxide alarm is going off which means the f&*ing fire department will be here in five minutes. Why? Why me, God? So, I go in my bedroom and get my clothes back on: Jeans, t-shirt, briefs, socks. I just want to take a bath. But, I go downstairs and turn the alarm by the front door off, while the carbon monoxide alarm still blares. I unlock the front door and wait for the fire crew. 

*

           In about seven minutes they come, sirens blaring. They come in and test the air. Apparently, there is a minor leak in the natural gas which I need, call the gas company to repair. I feel exhausted. I wonder why God won’t give me one night off for R & R and P & L. Just one night. So, I go to my office where all the bills are: there are credit card bills, electric bills, and there’s the gas bill. So, I call them up and go through the whole kenniptions: “For English press one, por en espianol, primos dues,” It takes me fifteen minutes to get a human. Remember when you could just push zero and get a human? Those days are long gone.  

           After talking to a lady who had difficulty with English, she told me that a technician will be to my house some time in the next two hours. Great. She then tells me a reference number which I write down on a scrap sheet of paper. I go back to the tub, dip my right toe in the water and it’s ice cold. Great. So, I decide to take drain the tub water and open all the windows. Then, me and my family won’t be killed by carbon monoxide, though sometimes . . . .

*

           So, after fifteen minutes the windows are all open and I go upstairs, still wearing the white, pink, and red towel, and I put a plug on the tub and start filling it with hot water, then I hear something downstairs which sounds like a glass breaking. Did my wife or kids come home early?  So, after the water is at the right point in the tub, I go downstairs and ask, “Honey?  Kids? You back home?” 

           I go downstairs and there’s a small bird in our kitchen. We don’t have screens on our windows so it just flew in and, of course, couldn’t figure out how to get out. Now, I really wish I had a gun.  So, I do what any person would do in this situation; I get out the phone book and look up exterminator. I call them up on the kitchen phone:

           “Joe’s Exterminator: How can we help you?”

           “I got a little bird in my kitchen and . . . “

           “What? No, we don’t do birds, we just do insects. Goodbye.”

           And then I heard a dial tone. 

*

           I go fishing occasionally. So, I looked in my garage and found my fishing net. I figure if I can catch a fish with it, why not a bird? I go in the kitchen and sneak up on it, the way people sneak up on a fly with a flyswatter. I swing the net and miss the bird. I keep swinging and a few items break on the floor like the toaster, the Vitamix, etc., and then, magically, it flies out a window. I’m about to head up to my bath with the towel dragging behind me when I hear my wife walk in.