On her own

She woke up, in the middle of the night. She slowly reached out her hand to his side of the bed. His side was empty, and cold.  

I want to wake up and feel his warmth, and listen to his slow, regular breathing. Now there is silence, horrible, cold silence. I had hoped it was just a bad dream, but now I know it really has happened, and that I am now truly on my own. He used to say that rest is almost as good as sleep, so at least lying awake now will not make me feel too tired in the morning. He used to tell me such interesting things, and funny stories about other people. 

She felt a tear on her cheek.  

We had been so careful. We always wore our face masks when we went outdoors, and we only went outdoors when we really needed to. We had both developed the coronavirus cough, an unusual, dry cough. I had got over mine but his became worse, and he had difficulty breathing. Then he had to go into hospital, then he was in intensive care, and then the hospital telephoned. We had always known that, somehow or other, the dreadful day of parting would come, but nothing prepares you for when it actually happens.  

She tried to remember the good times.  

We were lucky with our children. They have all turned out well, and they often come to visit. Now I will need them more than ever. Our grandchildren are either at university or starting their careers, but there are no great grandchildren, yet. We worked hard with our children. Some people say that raising a family is twenty years of hard work and worry. I would say it is more like twenty five, but it is still worth it. Seeing our children develop into good, responsible adults always made us proud, and also made us feel that we had at last earned our place in society, where we were no longer taking, but somehow we were now giving something back.  

He had taught me that if you want to influence people, you have to encourage them in anything they want to do. This is because people always have doubts about doing anything new or different, and they will listen to whatever you say, and it is so useful to have this communication. We found that this is especially important with teenagers. He used to say that where youth sees opportunities, experience sees dangers, but it is no use telling teenagers what they should do, or not do, it just makes them more determined to do what they want. However, when they hear your encouragement, they will also listen when you ask, "Have you considered what will happen if..." and then they will realise possible dangers, and make changes which they think are their own ideas.  

We were late teenagers when we met, and how we talked. I felt as if we had known each other all our lives, and yet we still had so many interesting things to say. What a thrill it is to discover how someone else thinks. Afterwards I felt as if I were dancing on air. I would remember all the things both of us had said. Then I would think where we would go and what we would do next time, and what we would talk about. I spent hours imagining what I would tell him, and then what he would say to me. I would day dream, a young woman's simple ideas of marriage, a home, and children calling him Daddy. I would idly write his name, drawing pictures with his initials, and then join them to mine. I practiced writing what my married name would be. I would keep looking at the clock, unable to wait to see him next. Sometimes we would meet somewhere and be some distance apart, separated by many other people, and we would slowly look towards each other, and then suddenly turn away, with a big smile, when we saw that we were both looking at each other. Ha, that was such fun. I was in love, and I knew for sure that it really was love. 

We waited to get married until he had received his engineering degree. He later told me that when he first saw me, he knew that I would be his future wife. There were many temptations before we were married, but I am glad that neither of us had ever practised before our wedding night. It was so good, learning together, and putting it in its proper place by calling it "the pleasures of marriage". And what pleasure it was, when we both agreed, taking our time, each waiting until the other was ready, then watching him fall asleep afterwards, and laughing at how hungry it had made us both feel. We were free to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted and however we wanted. And also wherever we wanted, sometimes outdoors in the sun, or on a deserted beach, in a field or by a stream, and then lying together, naked, in the warm sunshine afterwards. That gave us a feeling of triumph, that somehow we had gained some advantage over the rest of the world.

Of course, over the years, our desires faded a little. My female hormones had been telling me to, "Have a child", but after three children the calling was less. I know that the male hormones are completely different. They continually say, "Strengthen the species through genetic variety." This makes the man subconsciously think, "That means mating with as many different women as possible." It was inevitable that he would meet other women, and compare them with me, especially if they were single, younger and perhaps more physically attractive. He told me about one women who had said, "Divorce your wife and marry me". He said he had realised that things would be different, but not necessarily better, and that leaving me would make me very unhappy, and if I were unhappy, our children would be unhappy, and so for him it would simply never be worth it.  

If we had divorced I would have to raise the children on my own, but it is not like a cat bringing up kittens. Humans have a complication. A girl needs a mother as a role model, and a father to show her what to look for in the man who will be the father of her children. She wants to have good babies, so she needs a good man to be the father. But how can she tell if a man is good or not ? Just because he looks like a pop star or has lots of money is no help. She needs to compare him with a man she knows, and the man she knows best is the one she has seen all her life, her father. She knows the good things about her father, especially how he treats his wife, and can use this for comparison. But without knowing her father, she cannot make any comparisons, and a few hours every other weekend, away from her mother, is hardly enough. If I were head of the government I would make a law that people could not divorce if there were children, under 18's, involved. Also, often a girl who has been raised without a father, will fall for the first man she meets, to get what she missed by not having a father to look up to. But people who marry to get something, rather than for giving or sharing, are rarely happy. This is why children of divorced parents often end up getting divorced themselves, and how divorce seems to go from one generation to the next. Similarly a boy needs a mother to see the sort of woman to marry, and a father as a role model. A boy raised without a father may find male leadership in a gang, where the gang leader takes the place of the father he should have been looking up to. A gang can be attractive for teaching a boy qualities such as loyalty and a code of honour, but which we women rarely feel as being important. If I were a single parent I could make sure that the children brushed their teeth and did their homework, but this hardly prepares them to become emotionally stable adults. All children need the security of their parents' marriage, and to know that their mother and father will always stay together. 

"We did well," she thought, "but I am going to miss him so much."

We tried to avoid talking about one day being parted, although we gradually made plans, like arranging things in joint names. I was never as strong as him, and I told him that if he were left on his own, I would want him to marry again, as I didn't want him to be lonely for the rest of his life. Now it will be me who will miss the laughter, the jokes and the old songs we used to sing together. Our lives had become so joined together, mainly because of the children, and running the home. We still liked doing some things together, like holidays, but we had also developed our own separate interests. Yet we also depended on each other, more and more as the years went by. We had discovered who was best at doing what, just as I had seen with my parents. We assumed that we could always rely on each other to do these things. We shared our things, even our shoes, which were the same size, and our money of course, although most of that went into paying the bills and the mortgage.

Will he and I meet again ? If you go to church you are supposed to believe that we will all be reunited in Heaven, but the priest at the graveside didn't sound as if he believed it. Churches have changed. People used to say that churches were unfriendly, just you and God, but in those days you could at least go there, take part in the service, and leave without anyone bothering you. Now they all try to be so friendly, and you have to endure everyone welcoming each other. But it isn't friendly at all. "Lovely to meet you. What's your name ? Where do you live ? What does your husband do ?" All they really want is to make sure that they are socially superior. Such hypocrites. "... and everyone please stay behind after the service for tea and biscuits." More probing questions. If I go to church I want answers, not questions.  

She finally fell asleep.  

In the morning she woke, and she felt the warm sun on her face.