A Midsummer Night's Delusion

Gretchen, student, understudy for Hermia, no second job other than to look pretty, – known to friends as ‘The Fair’ Gretchen

Heath, student, understudy for Random Cast Member, plays Bottom the weaver but only when he has the ass’s head, stagehand – secretly in love with Gretchen, even though everybody knows it

Wolfgang, a wanderlust actor from Munich, understudy for Lysander, swordplay choreographer

Aisha, student, understudy for Helena, special assistant to set designer - bitch

Hal, student, understudy for Oberon, stagehand

Brittany, local waitress, assistant choreographer, understudy for Hippolyta – talks like Jennifer Coolidge

Billy (aka Puck), local bar owner, understudy for Puck, – adopts current character name each season to better ‘feel the part’

Random Cast Member, member of the Remaining Cast & Crew with a brief speaking part, whose name is too difficult to spell or pronounce to include here

Remaining Cast & Crew, various characters in the production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, playing at the Alternative Shakespeare Festival, held at the In the Woods Playhouse, somewhere in Southern Oregon

Piers, English prick, played Demetrius, now dead (Hoorah!)

Charlie, BA in theatre, also English, played Lysander, also dead (much lamenting)

Act 1, Scene 1

Gretchen, Heath, Wolfgang, Aisha and Hal sit at a table in a bar. Loud country music plays. Heath has a beer, with many empties on the table. The others share a bottle of wine.

Puck is behind the bar, Brittany is waiting on tables.

All talk loudly to be heard over the music.

Aisha 

If I had known that I would be required to attend so many funerals this summer, I would have made it a point to pack a variety of appropriate funeral attire.

Hal     

It could be worse. You could be the one lying in the box. And the way this summer is going, you just never know. So, did you happen to pack anything that would meet your high standards to be buried in? Maybe you should let us know now, just in case the need arises.

Aisha 

That’s not funny, Hal. Have some respect for the dead.

Hal     

It wasn’t supposed to be funny, Aisha. And I’m not the one worried about how I look at Charlie’s funeral, or if anyone will realize and be scandalized that I wore the same dress to Piers’s funeral last week.

Aisha 

Well excuse me for trying to class up the gathering.

Hal     

It’s not ‘a gathering’. We just buried our friend, and…

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

           Speaks softly. The music obligingly quiets each time she speaks.  

That’s enough, you two. We’re all a little on edge today, so let’s just try to be civil and not make matters any worse.

Wolfgang

           Music blares again    

I say to hell with being a little on edge. I say this production is fuckin’ cursed. And I’m descended from a long line of gypsies from the old country, so I should know.

Hal     

Nothing’s cursed, just weirdly coincidental. Piers was an arrogant prick, may he rest in peace, who thought he didn’t need to listen to the park rangers when they told him it was unsafe to hike the Hemlock Trail this summer. And Charlie, well, unfortunately he was allergic to bees, and just had the bad luck to run across a murder hornet.

Wolfgang

           Shivers with the thought        

But in his smoothie! How the hell does a murder hornet get into a smoothie?

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

           Music quiets  

I don’t expect we’ll ever know. And they’re Asian giant hornets, not murder hornets.

Wolfgang

           Music blares  

I bet Charlie would call ‘em murder hornets if you could ask him.

Aisha 

So how come you’re taking this so well, Gretchen? I mean, it’s no big secret that both of the Brits were hot after your skinny little white ass.

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

           Music quiets  

I’d hardly put it that way. They indeed may have had their aspirations, but we were friends none the less, just like all of us are here.

Wolfgang      

           Music blares  

Maybe that’s the curse.

Hal     

What, someone’s jealous of the foreigners who have taken over at the Alternative Shakespeare Fest? That would mean that at least somebody has heard of us, so that’s not all bad.

Wolfgang      

No, not that. I mean chasing after Gretchen. Maybe, you know, she has like a mysterious bodyguard out there. Somebody too afraid to just tell her how he feels, but who can’t control his jealous impulses.

All eyes turn to Heath, sitting quietly and drinking from his beer

Heath 

           What?

Hal     

You even listening, man? Maybe have an opinion on this? Cursed, stalker / protector? Maybe aliens or a mass murderer?

Wolfgang      

Where’s your ass’s head? You should put that on. You’re a better conversationalist when you’re wearing it.

Heath 

           But there’s no mouth. I can’t drink with the ass’s head on.

All laugh

Hal     

That’s the only reason you don’t wear it?

Heath 

Well, that, and they won’t let me take it out of the theatre. Plus, its heavy.

Heath 

So you’ve tried?

All laugh again

Brittany approaches table

Brittany         

You losers want another round? Gretchen, you need anything? Anything at all?

Wolfgang      

Nah, we must get to rehearsal. It is understudies on stage tonight, do not forget.

Hal     

That reminds me. You still part of us, Wolfgang, or have you been officially elevated to main cast yet?

Wolfgang      

No one has officially said, but I can use the extra rehearsal anyway.

All rise and begin to head towards door.

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

Music fades off completely    

You and Puck coming?

Brittany         

Probably, but we’ll be late. Local accommodations, you know.

 Aisha

You locals and all your special considerations.

Brittany         

Like having to earn a living, pay mortgages and utilities. All those special, little things.

Hal     

OK. Hope to see you there anyway.

Exeunt all except Brittany and Puck

Brittany         

You going tonight, Billy?

Puck  

Haven’t decided. And please call me Puck.

Puck retrieves broom and starts sweeping up

Act 1, Scene 2

Cast and crew mill about backstage at the In the Woods Playhouse.

Enter Gretchen, Heath, Wolfgang, Aisha and Hal, dressed in period costumes

Heath is wearing the ass’s head

Aisha 

Why can’t they put a road in to this god forsaken shithole of a theatre? This daily trudge through the woods to get here is getting old, especially when we have to do it in costume.

Hal     

But it wouldn’t be ‘in the woods’ if we weren’t in the woods.

Aisha 

I get that it supposed to be part of the attraction, I just think its bullshit.

Hal     

Which pretty much sums up your opinion of everything here.

Aisha 

So what’s your point?

Hal     

No point, just additional evidence that you are the total bitch package, in case there was still any question in anyone’s mind.

Aisha 

Don’t try to flatter me. And can we please just get started so we can get this over with!

Wolfgang      

We can’t do much without our Director. Has anyone seen him?

Random Cast Member

           Runs in, out of breath

The Director … he’s lost… in the woods.

Hal     

What makes you say that?

Random Cast Member

Its right here in the script. I’m supposed to run in and say ‘The Director is lost in the woods’.

Hal     

I mean, why are you so sure he’s lost…Oh never mind.

Random Cast Member

Hey, its my only line. And I think I nailed it.

Gretchen

I guess we should go look for him?

Aisha

Wait a minute. Did you mean in the woods, like back out in the forest, or in In the Woods, like he’s lost inside the Playhouse somewhere?

Wolfgang

You know what he means. You just do not want to go back outside.

Random Cast Member

And my name is Kaipimir, in case anyone gives a damn.

Wolfgang

Get a name you can spell or pronounce if you want to be something other than just Random.

 Random

Oh great. Now I’m reduced to just Random. I can’t help if it I have a Russian father and a Hawaiian mother. You try being raised in that culture clash.

Gretchen, Heath, Wolfgang, Aisha and Hal move to exit

Wolfgang

Wow, Act 2 was awfully short.

Gretchen

You mean Scene 2.

Hal

Yeah. I think it was just a kind of pitiful device to get us all into the woods.

Heath

Heh, we should have made a drinking game out of ‘in the woods’. You know, you have to drink every time somebody says ‘in the woods’. We’d be plowed by now.

Hal

You are plowed. But you are more interesting when you’ve got that ass’s head on.

Act 1, Scene 3

Entire cast is wandering through the woods in search of the Director

Enter Gretchen and Heath, voice muffled from the ass’s head

Heath

We been out here for hours. I’m tired.

Gretchen

You’re sobering up is what you’re doing, and we’ve been looking barely a half hour. There’s still some daylight left.

Heath

I gotta go. You know, take a leak. Too much beer this afternoon.

Gretchen

Well, don’t be a child about it. We’re in the woods, so go. But over there behind that bush, where I can’t see you.

Heath

Ha. You said ‘in the woods’.

Gretchen

Go!

Heath moves behind a bush at the edge of stage left, unzipping his pants as he goes. A pair of feet protrude from behind the bush.

Heath

Holy shit!

Heath runs back to Gretchen, pants undone and flapping open

Gretchen

What is it now? Did a squirrel scare you?

Heath

It’s Hal and Wolfgang. They’re both behind the bush, on the ground, and there’s blood everywhere. Plus, Aisha…

Gretchen       

What about Aisha?

Heath

She’s back there too, with a pillow over her face.

Gretchen

You saw all that? You took like two steps off the path. And you can’t see so well with that head on.

Heath

Go look for yourself then.

Gretchen takes a few steps toward the bushes and cranes her neck to see

Gretchen       

Ugh. That’s unfortunate.

Enter Brittany, caring a bloody sword

Brittany         

Oh, hey Gretchen.

Gretchen       

Brittany. What are you doing out here?

Brittany         

You know, just taking a walk.

Gretchen       

What’s with the sword?

Brittany         

Oh this? I just found it, over behind those bushes…

Gretchen       

Where all the dead bodies are?

Brittany         

Oh, you saw those?

Gretchen       

They aren’t exactly hidden.

Brittany         

I was getting around to that.

Gretchen       

So, you killed them?

Brittany         

Yeah, it was me. Well, the guys anyway.

Gretchen       

What about Aisha?

Brittany         

No that wasn’t me. That was that carpenter guy she was having sex with.

Gretchen       

You mean the Set Designer?

Brittany         

Yeah. She was threatening to tell his wife about them or something. I overheard some of it. Anyway, I had no reason to kill Aisha. I mean, other than the obvious, but that’s not a reason to kill a woman.

Gretchen       

But you had good reasons to kill Wolfgang and Hal?

Brittany         

Reasons. Maybe not so good, but…

Gretchen       

You want to try to explain it to us?

Brittany         

Sure, I’ll give it a whirl. Let’s see, how can I say this best. Well, there’s an awful lot of dying in these Shakespeare plays, from stabbings to poisoning, executions and suicides. Don’t forget the suicides. And women are on the wrong end of the killings way too much. Even when they get in on the action like in Lady Macbeth or those couple women in King Lear, they still die by the end.

Gretchen       

So you’re defending the women in the plays?

Brittany         

Kinda. Sorta. I don’t know. Maybe just you. You are gorgeous, I guess you know?

Gretchen       

Thank you. So I’ve been told. Many times. But this may be the first time I’ve heard it from another woman.

Brittany

It’s just, year after year, all these tragedies, the body count adds up. And the comedies aren’t any better. Take this year’s production, starts out with Hermia’s father asking this Duke if its ok to kill his daughter because she won’t marry his choice for her. That’s messed up. And people think Dick Cheney’s a bad father.

Gretchen       

I don’t know how to respond to that.

Brittany         

No one actually dies in this comedy, but they threaten each other a lot. You hang around this stuff long enough, it starts to give a girl ideas. That, and the long, rainy winters here in Oregon. It can rain for like 6 months straight. God, it’s depressing.

Gretchen       

So you…?

Brittany         

Decided to take matters into my own hands to protect the women in Shakespeare? Pretty much. So a couple weeks ago, when I heard about Piers going hiking…

Gretchen       

You mean you …?

Brittany         

Killed Piers and Charlie? Yeah, those were me. I followed Piers on the Hemlock Trail, and it was easy enough to get ahead of him and then make him fall when the trail got real narrow. I just blocked the path and threw rocks at him until he lost his footing.

Gretchen       

And Charlie?

Brittany         

Well, that was a little harder. I knew where a nest of bees was in the woods, and I knew he was allergic. I had no idea they were those rare giant bugs, but it all worked out. Anyway, the hard part was getting the crazy little bugger into his drink. I got stung a couple times myself, but it didn’t seem to bother me much, other than my hand swelled up for a few days.

Gretchen       

And you figured that would be enough to kill him?

Brittany         

I wasn’t sure, so I doctored up his EpiPen. Drained out most of the epinephrine and replaced it with bee venom.

Gretchen       

Bee venom. That’s something you can just buy?

Brittany         

You’d be surprised, but yeah. People use it for all kinds of therapies and such. Weird, huh.

Gretchen       

So this has all been for me?

Brittany         

Pretty much. By the way, can I ask you something?

Gretchen       

Sure, I guess.

Brittany         

What’s with the Gretchen the Fair business anyway?

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

Oh good, we’re back to that. I was hoping we’d left that behind in Scene 1.

And its ‘The Fair’ Gretchen, not Gretchen the Fair.

Brittany         

I notice you correct people a lot too. Politely, but doesn’t that ever piss them off?

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

Surprisingly no. Not that I haven’t tried.

Brittany         

OK, ‘The Fair’ Gretchen. Why do people call you that?

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

I’m not sure. It’s been that way as long as I can remember. Everyone tells me how beautiful I am, no one ever stays angry with me, men fawn all over me…

Brittany         

Some women too.

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

Yes, I’m beginning to see that. But I can’t explain it. It is hard to live with, though.

Reaches down her blouse and extracts a necklace.

Maybe it has something to do with this amulet that was with me when I was found in the woods, as an abandoned orphan, but that’s an entirely different story…And Heath, I swear, if you say ‘you said in the woods’ one more time, I’m going to take that sword from Brittany and beat you to death with it.

Brittany         

That may be the most emotional I’ve ever seen you.

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

I think it was. You may be a good influence on me after all. Maybe I can be more myself around you.     

Brittany         

I could take care of that if you’d like. No real trouble.

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

Thank you. That’s very kind, but he’s harmless. At least for the moment. Kind of like a stray puppy. An annoying one, that barks a lot.

Brittany         

So what do we do now?

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

Well, if we want to keep it as a short story, we better wrap it quickly. The suns going down. I think that’s our cue to sashay off together.

Brittany         

I got an old Plymouth convertible back at my trailer. Maybe we could drive off instead?

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

And maybe the car will magically take flight? No, that would just ruin the ending. And besides, Puck is already waiting in the wings.

Exeunt ‘The Fair’ Gretchen and Brittany, holding hands

Heath 

Heh, I still have to pee. And those bushes aren’t real.

‘The Fair’ Gretchen

Just leave the stage, Heath. Puck can’t wrap it up with you up there anyway.

Exit Heath. Enter Puck to center stage, with his broom

Puck

It’s the climax of the show. Time for my big soliloquy.

Clears his throat

Ahem.

If we shadows have offended, sorry but you can’t dream this one away,

The pure comedy was transformed to tramedy as we dove into the fray.

It’s hard to remain strictly comedic when the body count hits five,

So steer clear of ledges and pointy objects, and watch out for that hidden hive.

Count yourself lucky tonight, if you are still among the living,

While our local sapphic waitress may be in need of some forgiving.

She and young Gretchen the Fair (sorry, ‘The Fair’ Gretchen) strolled off into the sunset

While others lie scattered in the woods, their fates already met.

Poor Heath is left confused, but we hope you were not,

If these proceedings vex you still, refer to Shakespeare’s plot.

I, Puck, remain to clean up and put a bow on proceedings.

As always, I had the good sense to steer clear of all the mischievings.

And in case you were worried, the Director is fairing just fine

He and I were getting cozy in his trailer, and we had a little too much wine.

Let fierce Brittany duel and fight for feminine attention, but not our Puck

He knows the dangers all too well, and besides, he prefers the bucks.

So if you’re planning a trip to Oregon southern with the Bards plays in mind,

Take a tip from Puck, and leave the Alternative Shakespeare Fest behind.