Twelve Fangry Men

She killed her, figuratively speaking. After all, she’s only a dachshund.  But, Susie, the human, was walking home on the sidewalk and I had Fannie (the dog) on a leash in my garage and Fannie’s collar slipped off and she bit Susie. So, my, Ralph’s, defense is Susie was on private property and Fannie was simply protecting our property. I have the lease for this house and Fannie is a resident. Fannie has the right to protect her home.  

Thankfully, she’d just gone to the vet and gotten her rabies vaccines, but we had to go back to the vet to get copies of the rabies vaccine to give to Susie’s doctor. Now, Susie, to me, seems perfectly fine. Fannie doesn’t have rabies, which the vet verified. Susie didn’t even need stitches. But, for some stupid reason, Susie decided to go to the ER instead of an Urgent Care or a family practice.  

Next thing you know, Susie is over with a $6,000.00 bill from the ER, which she demands I pay, since Fannie caused a minuscule black and blue mark on Susie’s right ankle and the doctors still took her into the ER. Idiots. So, I told Susie she was in my yard and sidewalk and Fannie was simply protecting her property, which she has the legal right to do. Unfortunately, Susie is taking me to small claims court, but if Susie wins, the results would definitely not be small.

They’d kill her. (They prefer the term euthanize.) The jurors would say Fannie isn’t safe in this neighborhood and euthanasia is the best option, which, to me, is no small claim. They’d kill her.  

So, the next day, I receive a certified letter, which I have to sign for. After I sign and read the letter, I pick up Fannie and hug her against my chest. She feels warm and she licks my arms. So, it says the trial will start in five weeks. What to do? Oh, God, Fannie is on death row. So I decide to call an attorney.

Sam, the attorney, is patient with me. He says his fees for the total trial will be $300.00, which I agree to pay. It’s tough considering I make minimum wage, but Fannie’s worth it. I talk to him about the minimal damage, explain Susie was trespassing, and that Fannie was just being a dog. I also told him Susie should have gone to an urgent care. Sam agrees to take the case.

The next five weeks feel like seconds. Her attorney and my attorney both ask the potential jurors questions: Do they own a dog? Have they ever been badly hurt by a dog? Would they be ok in voting to euthanize a dog? And several other questions. They pick 12 men, since none of the women were willing to euthanize Fannie. These are the 12 Fangry men who would decide Fannie’s fate. I pray to God they’ll vote NOT GUILTY. Please, God, let them vote NOT GUILTY. This looks like the beginning of a long trial.