Love-Lost Purpose

Ziad K. Abdelnour once wrote "Time is a currency that we can only spend once."

What an interesting dichotomy this belief presents. The world is divided into two types of people it seems; the "Live for the moment" people, and the "Build a foundation for a better tomorrow" people. One group wears their heart on their sleeves, takes bold chances, lives fast, and throws their whole souls into whatever they do. The other class, uses caution, and logic. They strategically build their lives up around them, wagering that they will live long enough to reap the rewards of such frugality.

Which was the right way to live? Was there a right way? These were the questions he pondered when he was alone. He was one of the unlucky few who lived fast, only to find himself constantly left alone with nothing. He had a lifetime of travel, and experience, but never had stability, or financial freedom. Sometimes he wondered if he should've gone to law school, like his parents wanted, but he knew his heart was never really in it. What was his freedom worth? The cost as it seems, was constant state of flux between longing for stability, and the insatiable need for freedom. Can one exist without the other? That was the question that tumbled through his mind.

He jotted down his thoughts, determined to craft them into a meaningful manuscript in the future. He had to take advantage of these moments, as they seemingly came few and far between these days. He poured himself a fresh cup of coffee, and sat back down at the table. Inevitably, his mind took him to memories of her.

He loved her far more intensely, and for far longer than anyone in his life. Looking back at it now, it was clear that she never really cared for him all that much. All he had ever been was a safety net. She knew she could call, and he would come running. He gave her everything he had, and she took it, without hesitation, and instantly asked for more. The final straw was when she made him believe they had a future together, and asked him for a large loan to start building it. He still remembered how it felt in that moment. It seemed as if everything had come together, finally. He sold his first screenplay, and gotten the girl he had spent 15 long years pining after. His euphoria was short lived, as she took his money, and then got pregnant with another man's baby. As if that weren't despicable enough, she then asked him for more money, and told him she expected him to help raise the other man’s baby. This of course only after the father abandoned her, signifying that he was still what he had always been to her, a safety-net, a backup plan to use, and then move on.

Despite these atrocities, he still found himself slipping into warm memories of her touch, and her smile, the dinners they had at fancy restaurants, and the laughs they shared with friends. He supposed it was easy given time to forget the lows, and bring your mind to a place where the highs were seemingly all they had ever known, but alas, that simply wasn't reality. The hurt was real, and it was deep. He wished that things could've been different. He wished that time wasn't such a bittersweet bearer of truth.

The examination of love lost was a surefire way to lead oneself down the journey of introspection. That period of time where you are forced to dump out the contents of your heart onto the table, and examine the remains, piece by broken piece, is often the most daunting of periods for scarred lovers. Though he preached to those around him about the power of vulnerability, he himself was hypocrite in that sense. She had broken him. He had found himself pulling away and isolating. In a strange twist of fate, this practice had seemed to sharpen his senses. He was more in tune with those who needed his guidance because of his despair. He had begun to wonder if he would be as effective as he was as a light bringer without the emotional torment he put himself through. He wondered if perhaps pain preceded purpose, but quickly dispelled that notion. If that were the case, then there was a serious design flaw in humanity. That couldn't be the hard truth of the universe? could it? What a cruel joke that would be. All he could speak from, was his own experience. All he could do was examine how acknowledging those emotions had shaped his journey.

The situation had closed him off. It was ironic really. He was a man who spent most of his time and energy opening other people up. His friends would consider him to be a positive energy, someone who loved them with intensity, encouraged them to shine, and used his strength to prop them up when they were down. But they couldn't see how much it drained him. He had theorized that people with the deepest emotional wells were the ones most in danger to run dry. It was a strange contradiction he noticed in society, how the people with the least to give, were often the most giving. Perhaps because they were the ones who could relate the most to struggle, because they have been there many times themselves. These were the things he analyzed. These were the moments that he could just sit down at the computer, and have the words come pouring out as if he were simply an instrument, and the sentence's wrote themselves.

"What a strange place the world is," he thought to himself.

Having a full heart, brimming with love, coupled with the generosity of spirit to give it out freely into the world left you broken, and empty. Living for the moment leaves you bound to the anchor of poverty, while taking the time to build a foundation keeps you boxed in, and at the mercy of time and circumstance, both things that you have no control over. How can this be life? How is it that we find ourselves in place where we have to choose between wealth, and freedom? Between true spiritual happiness, and manufactured status quo? It seemed to him, that humanity had strayed so far from its intended purpose.

Of all the things he longed for, he longed to change the world the most. He knew that he alone did not have the power, but perhaps, if he spoke the words, and spread the message, perhaps people could come together and become what what they were always meant to be. Equal, healthy, and happy.

As he began to thunder down on his keyboard with the intention of bringing change, he was reminded of a quote by Rachel Wolchin.

"Be mindful when it comes to your words. A string of some that don't mean much to you, may stick with someone else for a lifetime."

He could only hope that the impact of his words someday lodged in someone's heart, and stuck with them for a lifetime. To him, that was the mark of true nobility.