Your Existence

You are about to get fucked! After all these years of mental torture and societal burden, you have finally come to this decision to prove everyone’s perception wrong, no, you are not a lesbian or a transgender, you are straight, completely straight, you are just a bit weird, but that’s okay, because you are ready to have sex with a straight guy at last.

You have been dating Sam for three months now and it’s the first time you have actually fall in love with someone , you know it’s pure and blooming with each passing day, and now you are ready to deflower yourself.

 You are in his home, there is no one besides you two, you have worn the sexiest dress you could find in your wardrobe,shaved your whole body, your dress shows your cleavage and your hourglass body gives you the Kardashian vibe. Sitting on the couch, waiting for Sam to return with some wine from his kitchen, you are there all by yourself and start thinking about how much you love Sam and how your earlier crushes were crushed because you never made a move, or when they tried to do more than just kiss you, you would get all shivery and run away from there, later getting mocked, bullied and labeled as weirdo. Your life’s eighteen years were nothing but a bad dream, today is the reality, today you are about to change all that, prove all of them wrong.

But then why you are still trembling? Why is the feeling of indulging in sex is making you feel uncomfortable rather than exciting, sex is supposed to make you feel excited, it’s an act of love and if you are in love then why are you hesitating, you are here because you wanted to, then why such thoughts? As you were thinking and shaking with nervousness, Sam came with a bottle of wine and glasses, he is a sensible and sensitive man, perhaps the most sensitive you have ever met, he never forced himself, neither he will but on occasions he has expressed his desire for this day and you who are so madly in love that you want to keep him not only out of love but also because he’s the reason that people don’t judge you anymore or less at least is now having second thoughts about today’s night!!

Sam pours a glass of wine and offers you, simultaneously fondling your beautiful thighs, you calm down, his touch is as soft as a petal, you kiss him, caress him, everything is going softly, you are in act of love but suddenly you feel his hands under your dress, his fingers moving all over your panty, you get an adrenaline rush, you move away from him with full force and stand up, your legs are trembling, your eyes are all welled up, the second you get up, you realize that you fucked up instead of fucking him and now you are standing there like a messed up lady, with your eyes down on the floor with embarrassment, your mind is blank, your lips are sealed and then Sam all of a sudden breaks this awkward silence asking you if you are fine?

Well, are you fine? You yourself don’t know the answer to that question, or maybe you do…

You excuse yourself and go to the washroom, your silent cries and silent screams are not going to change the mess you just created outside, but your words will.

You silently remind yourself about the recent discovery you made and why Sam needs to know that, you are sitting on the commode seat thinking about the consequences, there is a high probability that he will break up with you, why won’t he? It’s your fault that you hid the truth from him but you yourself were in denial of this truth for so long and as a matter of fact you still are.

The only thing that gives you some courage is the fact that love triumphs and with this you step out of the washroom, Sam stands up and comes closer to you, he just embraces you in his arms, you feel the warmth, you feel the love, you softly kiss him and slip yourself from his arms, you are nervous but then you remind yourself that it’s time to say it.

“Sam, I am sorry, I love you, I truly do, you are the best thing that happened to me, all these years, I have never loved anyone, when we first met, I never thought that we will come this far, I never thought I would fell in love with you or anyone, with you I feel like I am on a beach, viewing sunset, when you kiss me, every god damn time you kiss me, I feel like surfing in that beach, I love you to the moon and back but Sam, I cannot have sex or not anything close to it, because… I am asexual.”

Did you just mess up? Did you really need to speak about your sexual orientation? Did you think of the consequences? Well, you knew you would regret it if you didn’t, so you did.

There is an awkward yet justified silence in the room and now you are finding it your responsibility to apprise Sam about asexuality a bit, maybe he knows what asexual is but still this silence needs to break so you speak anyway.

“Sam, I know, it’s hard for you to accept that I am different but that doesn’t change anything about me, I was still your girl and I still am, well at least for now. You know Sam, I always knew I was different and I knew I was asexual when I met you, but when I feel in love, I got confused, because asexuality is lack of sexual attraction and desire but still I fell for you, with each passing day, I loved you more simultaneously reading and researching about asexuality which I tell you is very complex to understand, I am still figuring the sub type I fit in, but for now I am sure about my asexuality and you know, this revelation also told me one thing about love, that it can exist without sex and it can be equally beautiful and pleasurable. I know that you are sexual and you have your desires, and I can do sex or indulge in sexual pleasure, it’s not that I can’t it’s just that I don’t want to, I never wanted to.”

You just spoke your heart out, and honestly you are relieved, your heart feels lighter because regret is painful when you have a chance of escaping it, you sense the meaning of Sam’s deafening silence, you knew this relationship would come to an immediate end but you are also contented as you are you now, you just did what was necessary, you pick your handbag from the couch, softly whisper to Sam with the welled up voice- ‘ I will always love you’ and walk past through that door, crying for the loss of your love but at last free from the hate of your existence.