In case of emergency

May 27, 2017

Dear Diary, 

I cant sleep, there’s no way I can. Sleep seems to simple. 

Dear god, what have I done? Everything is changed now, nothing will ever be the same. What does this all mean? I might not be sleeping but I’m stuck in this nightmare. 

I’m so scattered. I can’t gather my thoughts, my head is spinning. The panic is setting in. Am I ruining his life? Did I ruin my own?

I felt so exposed. Naked, as eyes of judgment weighted heavy on me. The rush of emotions flooded me and I told them every raw detail.

My life was lived under a veil. On the surface, we were perfect. Beautiful home, great friends, promising jobs. Nothing could taint what we had, except us. We were our own demise. 

We had the life so many had envied. So many aspired for. Nobody is perfect but God, did we know how to fake it. 

Nobody noticed the small things. The occasional bruise, the swollen lip. I’d always be able to pass it off. “The dog was playing rough” was one of my most used. 

Our world was sheltered, you only saw what we wanted you to. Our skeletons were well hidden and buried deep within the closets of our gorgeous home. 

The stress, always blame it on the stress. “It was the stress that made him do it” I explained. 

The house was too much. The bills were overwhelming. If I would just work harder, do more, take on more hours at work. That, that would help. “This isn’t him” I’d tell myself. 

Helping the house only hurt the home. 

It only made him more angry, more jealous. 

What was I doing wrong? How could I make it better? 

Empty bottles lined the bottom of the trash cans. Well hidden so the neighbors wouldn’t start to grow suspicious. 

How do I fix this? How do you clean up this mess? There’s no going back. This will forever haunt me. 

I’ll never forget the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice, the chill it drove down my spine. ”Please hunny“ he cried out. “You know I didn’t mean it! You know it was an accident! Tell them! Hunny please!” The officer put him in the back of the squad car. “Don’t do this to me” he said as his voice cracked. 

All I can do is stare blankly.

Only a few minutes passed I lay on the stretcher, my thoughts begin to flood my mind. Barely able to see, blood filling my mouth, tears rolling down my swollen face.  

“Jesus” the young paramedic gasped under her breath. 

I can see it in her face, she’s trying to stay calm and collective. But I know, I know she’s wondering how I got here? How this happened? The “what if this happened to me” look in her eyes. 

She cleared her throat “sorry, it’s my first ride.” Her hands shaking as she pulled out her pen and pad. “Can you tell me what happened?” She asked nervously as she tucked her hair behind her ear. 

I closed my eyes and took a shallow breath, pain surging through my body. “I didn’t mean to.” That was the first thing I said, Why was I so blind? I truly believed this was my fault. I honestly thought it was something I did to deserve it. My voice shaking. 

I cried while the illustration was finally wiped away. As the words escaped my mouth, I couldn’t stop them. The reality set in, I couldn’t continue living this lie, his lie.

The night started just like any other. 

I got home from work, he was already drinking. I can smell it as soon as I walked through the door. Just the thought turns my stomach still. 

“You’re late!” He growls at me “Who were you fucking this time?” 

Tired of the accusations, I tried to dismiss him. I reach in the cabinet and bring down a box of pasta. 

“Damn it Cassandra! Answer me” I hear as he grabs a handful of my hair. The pasta scatters across the floor.

He pulled me back and my body slams to the ground. He standing in front of me wanting an explanation. As I try to stand I feel the hard sting of the back of his hand across my face. 

It doesn’t stop there, it never does. He doesn’t want a real answer, he only wants this. The pure energy, the rush he seems to get. The dominance he felt as he towered over me. 

I remember the pain of ever moment. The hard pounding of his fist on my face. The sound that was made when he kicked my back and sides. The placement of each finger as he gripped my throat. My cracked screams that escaped as I tried to catch my breath.

I begged him for over an hour. “Please, baby. You know I would never” my words fall deaf on his ears. Chocking on blood “I... I can’t.. breathe” I managed to plead. His eyes widen, as if he’s seeing this scene for the first time. I can feel his grip loosen. 

“Oh my god, Cass. I’m... I’m sorry” he claimed, just as he has before. “I.. I didn’t mean it” he started to cry. Pulling me into his arms starting to caress my hair. My body tender from his cruelty. He’s been sorry so many times, these words were too familiar. 

The only foreign sound was the knock on the door. My heart sunk. Relief and terror flooded my senses. I must have screamed too loud. The neighbors must have been concerned. I’ll never understand but I was angry. I felt somehow invaded. Guilty. He pulls me in tight, as if he knows what awaits on the opposite side. I flinch as they knock again.

Our secret was out. The curtains were pulled from my picture perfect marriage. “I was suppose to protect him, this was our life, who cared if we had this little hiccup” I explained. 

I didn’t know how wrong I was. How could I be so dumb? 

I believed this was all my fault. My own doing.

Never again do I want to be in the grip of that void. His guilt wasn’t real. He lived a lie even I couldn’t see through. If I’m being honest I don’t think even he saw through his own illusion.  

Is this the end? Is the wheel finally broke? Has the cycle stopped. Could I finally be out of this nightmare? Wide awake, finally. 

“I guess we should remove him as your emergency contact?” The young paramedic asks. Such an innocent statement, it felt like a ton of bricks being slapped on my chest. 

Freedom was claimed with a simple nod of my head