A Cup of Courage

They were deep into the woods when he asked her the question. “What’s the most terrifying thing that you’ve ever done?” 

Stella had no answer for this of course as she had led a quiet life, a sensible life lacking adventure but replete with duty and obligation. Why even the very thought of going on an Internet dating site had almost been an edge that she was far too cautious to put herself on but something had pushed her, well maybe even pulled her to do it. Perhaps it was Delia’s death that had caused the world to tilt on a different axis that had created the shift.  They say that loss is a traumatic event and that the grief can have an impact for years to come but for Stella it just felt like a dark empty place that just seemed to stretch on forever. 

Delia’s death was also a reminder of how unpredictable life was. One minute you were cycling down along the boardwalk enjoying the spring sunshine and the next minute you were being rushed to the emergency department in an ambulance and nothing that you had planned to do that day was ever going to be completed. In fact, the life you had planned, the safe, comfortable life that you thought was yours because you had envisioned it that way was gone. Just like that, in an instant, everything was different. 

“Would you ever like to do something wild and crazy Stella or are you satisfied with your life as it is?” 

Another question that she had no answer for. Wild and crazy where not words that were frequently in her vocabulary and especially not when she was thinking about her own existence. Safe and predictable were words that she most often referred to but now those words were as hollow as the space that Delia’s death had left behind. 

Where would her imagination go with wild and crazy Stella thought? Rob a bank? Swim naked in the river? Steal a car? She couldn’t even come up with anything wild and crazy enough to satisfy herself let alone provide anything that she could share with another. 

He then produced a thermos flask from his back pack and proceeded to pour a small amount of brown liquid into the cup and offered it to her. She took the cup and examined the liquid and even held it up to her nose but she didn’t go further than that. 

“Go ahead, if you dare. It won’t hurt you at all but it is kind of magical.”

Stella remembered in high school someone had offered her ecstasy or some pill with those characteristics at a party but she had politely declined the offer. She had taken a few puffs from a marijuana joint a few times just to fit in but mostly she had relied on a life of quiet sobriety to get her through her day. Here was an opportunity to really turn things upside down; weren’t they already upside down? She took the cup in her hands and took a sip. It tasted sweet and earthy with a slightly bitter aftertaste. 

“Won’t you have some?” she asked him. 

“I’ve already had the better part of that thermos so the rest is all yours.” 

She had a few more sips and put the lid back onto the flask and slid it back into his hands. “That’s enough for now,” she said. She waited to be transported into something, she didn’t really know what, but for now she just felt a little silly and perhaps just a touch nervous. 

They decided to keep walking and nothing much changed for quite some time but after a while she felt the ground was become moister and a little more fragrant. With every step she felt a little lighter, a little bit like she had uncovered the answer to some great mystery. It was nothing really dramatic, just a lightness inside that seemed to fill her belly, her chest, her throat and went all the way inside her and up through the top of her head. It wasn’t quite a feeling really, nothing like a feeling that she had ever known before. It was just a kind of state of being that she recognized from some time long ago.

“I’m not afraid,” she said to no one in particular. She felt it filling and filling her, a kind of soft lightness like the breath of a butterfly. She felt a sudden urge then to lie down on the grass, letting it envelop her like a warm blanket of nurture. She could tell that he was watching her now and somehow smiling as if he approved but he said nothing. It was Delia’s voice that she heard then but even though she couldn’t quite make out the words she knew the goodness of them. She lay very still in the grass and listened and then she heard it plain as day. 

“I am everywhere,” the voice said. “Even when you can’t see me or hear me. I am everywhere.” 

Stella was not a particularly religious person and she didn’t really believe in an afterlife but she knew she was hearing a voice from the other side and there was nothing in her that didn’t believe this to be true. And then Stella heard the voice say: “And this is really the secret to life. Nothing you plan or design or hope for is important. The only thing I can say to you is to keep your death warmly in your heart and you’ll really start living.” 

Stella saw that this is what she had actually done, taken one step into something mysterious and unknown and that in this step she had opened herself up to a life that was no long safe and predictable but was filled with light. She knew then that what she had known as her life, her safe and predictable life would be no more. 

“What was in that tea?” she finally asked wondering if it was some kind of mystical mushroom or sacred herb from the Amazon? 

He just smiled at her and kept on walking. 

“There’s absolutely nothing in that tea except for the magic of seeing your life more clearly. I hope you don’t mind. Everyone needs a little mischief in their lives, especially today. Happy April Fool’s!”