The Comfort in Insignificance

I pulled the blanket tighter around me and shivered against the cold of the night. Above blinking calmly were millions of stars. It was both awe-inspiring and terrifying how vast our universe was. Millions of stars light-years away that made up our sky are only a slim fraction of what is really out there. Some of the stars we see are already dead and we are only just receiving their light. Solemn was the fact that compared to our universe, we are microscopic.

Infinitesimal.

Insignificant.

Small.

We are practically nothing compared to the universe. We are only important to ourselves until we eventually die and become forgotten. The night sky is a sobering reminder that nothing is permanent and that someday even the sun will burn out and we will die with it.

I hated feeling small.

With some effort, I managed to drag myself back to bed. It was close to morning and I had an important meeting with my boss today. Existential dread would do me no favors tonight. I collapsed on my bed and buried my face in my pillow hoping that if I pretended to fall asleep it would trick my body into feeling well-rested. It didn't work.

I didn't know when exactly I blacked out, but when my alarm clock went off, every inch of me groaned in protest.

Why get up? Everything you do is going to suck and you're going to wish that you didn't get up anyway. Just give up and spare yourself the trouble of making your life even more of a mess.

It was hard to argue with that logic, but I knew myself better than that. If I decided to just stay and give in to the crushing weight in my gut I would beat myself up for being a lazy piece of garbage that was avoiding responsibility. Choosing to be productive was one of the hardest decisions of my life. It was always a constant struggle to actually do anything and today was even worse.

When I actually remembered what was so important about today my throat closed up and I started shaking.

You're going to mess up! You are already shaking, there is no way you'll be able to do this. This is a really important presentation and you're just going to find every way to mess it up just like how you always mess up everything else. Call in sick! Give Up!

My second alarm went off and I headed out the door and double-checked the locks before heading off to work. Clare greeted me at the door.

"Hey, Maia! Excited?" She grinned.

I gave her a nervous smile and shrugged. I was terrified. Any minute now Clare and I would be presenting our plan for a new project for clients and my mind was racing through every possible negative outcome.

Clare must have known how nervous I was because she squeezed my shoulder and smiled, "We'll be fine, girl. We have an amazing idea and Josh is going to see that."

I relaxed a little bit and nodded. I didn't trust myself to actually speak, at this rate, it would be a miracle if I actually managed to say anything at this meeting. My throat was so tight and closed up and my mouth felt like I was sucking cotton balls. I was pretty sure that I would have to have Clare drag me to that meeting because there was no way I would have the courage to willingly step inside the conference room.

My third alarm went off, the one I had set the night before and dreaded the most. Clare smiled brightly as I stared at my alarm in horror. Meeting with Josh flashed over my screen like a big warning light. It seemed like it was too soon for this. It had to be an error, right?

"Showtime!" Clare grinned pulling me towards the conference room.

We can't do this! What if we say the wrong thing? What if Josh doesn't like it? You could offend him and get Clare fired! You could get fired yourself! We can't go in there, we're going to make a fool of ourselves!

I swallowed my doubts and tried to steel my nerves. I let Clare pull me into the room and we shakily set up our presentation. I dropped so many things and that gave me so many new doubts. I was actually annoyed at myself for being so scared. It was just a presentation, it was no big deal.

"We are going to do so well. The worst thing that can happen is that our plan gets rejected and that is nothing." Clare reassured.

"Are you sure that that is the worst thing that can happen?" I worried. "What if we say and do something that is offensive and he fires us on the spot?"

She shrugged, "Then we'll get new jobs and present this option to that job and be better for it."

I was about to ask her how she was so confident about this but then Josh walked into the room. It was as if the air in the room was sucked out as soon as he entered.

"Alright, good morning and everything." He grumbled. He gave a quick gesture telling us to go on with our presentation.

My stomach dropped and I couldn't breathe.

Clare squeezed my shoulder and started presenting. She sounded so confident and optimistic. I could finally breathe in the middle of her presentation. I smiled and nodded. When it was time for my speaking parts I choked and stumbled on words.

I started panicking even more. Clare came to my aid and basically gave the entire presentation herself. I felt awful because I was basically dead weight but when the presentation came to an end, it took all of my strengths to not collapse with relief.

Josh nodded after the end of it and got up.

"Thanks for that, it's a good idea." He shrugged. "We'll see if we can start that, Clare do you want to captain it?"

Clare beamed and nodded vigorously.

"Great, you can choose your team and everything, get back to me later. I have a meeting to get to so." He shrugged and walked out of the room.

I collapsed into a chair, exhausted. Clare laughed and hugged me.

"I told you we would be fine." She laughed.

"How did you know," I asked. "That everything would be fine?"

She shrugged, "Everything will always end up fine if it's not fine it's not the end, you know?"

I looked at her in wonder and laughed, "Did you get that off of Pinterest?"

"Guilty as charged."

That night I went outside and stared up at the sky. It was still as vast and marvelous as it always was. Gorgeous stars and empty space that promised an incomprehensible universe. I thought of how small we are in comparison. I normally hated these solemn assurances but tonight I found comfort in the insignificance. It seemed that if nothing we do really matters, then everything will turn out alright. I went back inside and pulled the blankets tighter around me as I went to sleep with a smile on my face.