The End of Nihn and Beginning Again

The memories of the past. The present memories being made. The future uncertain and yet to be discovered or made.

In the minute of the hour of the day, reflecting on the moment that is, not what was or what has yet to come. The minute is defined by the moment when you evolve or become more than you were or are at present.

You cling to the past like a favorite blanket. The memories linger in the air like thick smoke swirling in the air and you are mesmerized by the flood of dreams and hopes never to happen. The life is cut short and held only in a small part of the mind, with the tears your sadness is exposed.

Then your face lights us and you realize that the past is that which has happened, that which was then and only then. The past is never to be changed or altered, you are wishing for to have one more of whatever you wish for. You are only there long enough to silently say to yourself, "That was then." "This is now."

You are brought back from the last memory and feel the air and the wind blowing on your face, you reach out and grab the air for if only to be one with it with your memories.

The present brings in new memories, brings in new changes or changes yet to be decided or considered. You are ready to take on a new day, to become one with the new day and then you feel a sense of relief. You are letting out a sigh.

"How does the past always know when you are needing the memories to offer you that one more glance into the things that are not to changed or replaced?" "Why is it so hard for you to work through the past as you feel the guilt of going back there?"

You then realize you are only human, and you will never be there completely, even if you could or would want to, you are no longer part of that past that was happening then. You are much stronger than that which was you in the past. You know you need to live your life and yet it is easier to slip into the past than to dwell in the present.

"Why you ask is it easier to go back there, to the past as it was?" "To long for a time when you were what you were then?" Because you are the one who has lived on in the present, and the one who was with you on the past journey is no longer with you now.

The pain, the grief, the sadness, the guilt, the memories are all that you have to hold onto mentally and the physical part is the pictures, the memorabilia of letters and other things connected to the past are still carried over to the present. The letting go is never a have to nor a must.

You look at the photos one last time. You cry then through your tear-stained face, you smile. You look around you and wonder what would be or have been different if they had come along with you on your present life's journey.

The plans made by both, the love shared by both, the hopes and fears shared by both, the list of things you wrote down a million times just so you would never forget. It all was part of the bucket list and things changed more often than you care to admit.

You pray about and wait for an answer to that prayer that may or may not be spoken, waiting patiently and yet the answer never comes. You scream and clinch your fist in anger, trying to make sense of all the reason you cannot understand why you lost what you lost and the way you lost them.

You feel the lines of stress and worry run around your once smooth face and you feel the sadness that plagues your days and nights, the tears well up when you feel this way and you curl up crying yourself to sleep.

The moments linger around you and the memories are there to haunt you. The pictures in your mind are too much to bear. The longer you struggle to remember them that last time you seen them alive, will become less easy to remember. You are left with nothing more than faded memories at best.

You fear you will forget never to recall their name to be placed with their face, and you worry you will go insane from how hard you will have to try and remember who it was you keep forgetting about.

What jars the memories of the one who is gone is a word or a mentioning of them. Someone else remembers and you smile. You may know them, and they seem to remember the one you lost. You get a warm feeling and your mind races to catch with all the other things that made that person seem so close. Like they never left at all.

You turn to give them a kiss or hug and say your "I Love Yous." Then as you reach out to grab a hold of them and to say those things you both had said without second thought for all those years, like it was only yesterday, then you are lost and feeling alone once more.

You sink deep down into the pillow in the bed, embarrassed from the momentary lapse in memory. You are then feeling sad, and you are not going to be allowed to fall asleep tonight.

You are better to see this now, to feel this now, to know this now. And then the healing inside will be better, even if only for tonight.

Even the Dr. says you seem in a better mood and in livelier spirits. You can smile on the outside, but feel and be miserable on the inside, the secret you keep, that only you and you alone know about.

At least that part still belongs to you.