Anxious

I doubt if my rib cage can endure the heavy beating it was receiving from my heart. It was more like Tai Lung trying to escape from Chorh-Gom Prison from the Kung Fu Panda movie, it was a brutal adventure going on inside of me.

The black suit Hermosa bought me on my birthday stared blankly at me ‘in disgust’ I guess. It’s just a piece of fabric but at this moment it felt as though it seems more human than I was, how disrespectful of me to try and wear it for the first time since she bought it for me, and to make it worst she will be in attendance at the party, the more reason my heart was trying to break free from my body, the heart Hermosa thinks I don’t possess.

The truth is, her anger and hatred is justified. I abandoned her and my 5 year old daughter, Olivia. I left without a word. I had no other choice at that moment or so I thought.

Do I really have to honour this invitation? I thought aloud. I remember when I used to sneak out with my friends from my foster home to go party every weekend, sometimes I skip classes to go have fun with them, I was living the life of the party. I tend to drink and smoke more than my peers whenever we go out partying; it gave me a feel of dominance amongst them. I continue with this routine even after I got married, but everything changed when Olivia was born, I knew I had to be more responsible in order to be a good influence and also a good dad to her. I reduced my habit of keeping late nights and stopped smoking at home entirely. Now I dread anything that has to do with parties or get together but this invitation was not just an ordinary invitation, it was Charlie’s engagement party.

Charlie engagement party is in an hour time and Hermosa will be in attendance. Charlie is my childhood friend and he was more like a brother than he is a friend, some people still think we are siblings becomes of our close relationship and some can even bet with their lives that we are blood-related. He has always been there for me when I needed him and I have always done likewise, but today am having serious doubt if I will be able to come through for him. Maybe he will understand if I don’t show up, on the other hand he might not forgive me and I can’t stand breaking another bond with someone I care so much about.

I paced around my bedroom uneased, thinking of the best way to tackle the situation at hand. Should I go? Should I fake an illness? Should I.....? My mind became a track field and so many thoughts competed for glory. White cotton towel still hung around my waist, my body totally drench with water from the bath tub I just came out from, it felt cold in here yet inside of me was a boiling lava that’s about to erupt any moment.

For a while I decided to be optimistic. Maybe she won’t be as mad as I thought, maybe she will be pleased to see me, just then it hit me again that I abandoned her. If only she knew the reason why I had to leave, but will it matter at this point? I remember the last time I contacted her after leaving, she was literally crying on the phone.

The last thing she said on the phone before she hung up was “We are better off without you”

I felt a sharp thrust in my chest when she said those words. How could I tell her I was dying and couldn’t bear to see her suffer for my sake? And Olivia, how was I suppose to tell her that she won’t see daddy anymore? So I decided to leave since I was going to die and leave them anyway. Charlie was the only one who knew my where about after I left, and I made him promise me not to disclose my location and my medical condition to anyone.

I remember vividly when the doctor handed me my test results and told me I had between 6 to 12 months to live after I was diagnosed of small-cell lung cancer. That day I went back home very sober, reflecting on what he said, Hermosa noticed something was wrong but I insisted I was fine. That night I went into Olivia’s room when she was peacefully sleeping and sat beside her and let my left hand stroke her hair, gently. I could hear her inhale and exhale at a very slow tempo, serenity filled the room. I didn’t want her to go through the same experience I went through when I lost both my parents at a tender age. I lost my dad at 6 and my mom at 9 so I knew firsthand how it felt to lose a parent but it was inevitable for her now and it breaks my heart.

I kissed her forehead knowing it’s the last time I ever will and went back to see Hermosa who was also fast asleep. I pulled the blanket and made sure it covered every part of her body that was previously exposed to the chilly atmosphere and also kissed her forehead. My eyes became heavy with tears as I walked to the door to leave, knowing that our lives will never remain the same from tomorrow.

I did go away, but I kept tabs on them and made sure they never lack anything. I never missed Olivia’s game day, I was always in the crowd silently cheering for her. I also come see her after school at least three times a week, I will park my car some miles away to see her when she closes from school. It was painful seeing them both smiling together and happy, knowing I can’t show up without ruining the moment.

I grew up hearing stories of how some dads ghost on their family only to return after some years later, trying to make up for lost times. I did criticize them then and labelled them as horribly but now am seeing things from a whole new perspective, what if they were also trying to protect their families from a secret worth hidden? The answer to this question doesn’t really matter to me at the moment.

My phone beeped and it brought me back to reality. It was a text message from an unknown contact and the content read:

I know you are having doubts about coming to the party, Charlie told me everything. I can only imagine what you have been through Carly. I have missed you and I hope to see you at the party.

“It’s impossible!” I exclaimed. Only one person addresses me as Carly instead of Carlos in this mysterious planet.

If everything goes as am beginning to imagine right now then I will be able to kiss Olivia goodnight again.

Finally a smile found its way to my face again because tomorrow might never remain the same again.