A Deep Secret

Tina's mom told her, "Go and call your sister. Everyone is waiting down here." Tina, with a heavy heart, was coming to her sister's room. She heard some weird noise and slowed down her walk. She gently peeps through the door. Hearing her sister’s footsteps, she tries to clear up everything. Tina noticed her sister and entered slowly. She finds her in deep sorrow, with teary and swollen eyes. Tina sits beside her and holds her hand. Teja broke down into tears.

Tina: "What happened, dear sister! It's okay. It's okay for you to cry. You can tear out your pain. We have lost our dad. But, we have to learn to survive without him. We have to survive with the fact that he is no more. Take time. Take time to come out of it. Mom is calling you down. Do you want to come now?"

Teja is unable to reply to her sister in fear. She felt like something had choked in her throat. 

Tina understood her sister's pain. She looks at her face. Then she tried to smile, telling her sister "Take your time dear. I will talk to mom, and I know she will understand". 

Tina slowly moves towards the door. Only then, Teja, with a lot of hesitation, opens her mouth, and slowly tries to arrange her words. Teja remarked, "I want to say something." Tina looked back. she seemed suspicious with doubt on her face and she asked, "What?"

With a shivering voice, Teja starts "Dear sister, before you were born, before you even saw how the world looked like, our dad was suffering. He was suffering for long, really long. Do you know the worst memory I ever had at the age of five? It was to hear the fact that our dad had cancer! I was too small at that time to understand. At that young age, it never seemed to me like a disease. I thought that cancer was a villain who always stood against my dad. And my dad is a superhero who will one day win against that cancer. Maybe it was okay for me to think all that at the age of five. Maybe it was okay! I was too little to understand what cancer is, how harmful it is, how complicated it can be. I thought it is something casual, something with one can survive, something with my dad could survive. Then you came to our life; we were happy with you. I forgot about cancer. I forgot about that evil. And see what happened today, I have lost dad. I never thought at that age; it will be this depressing. That one day, we will lose our dad. The only reason dad never reacted - he never wanted us to suffer from his suffering. Do you know, our dad was dying each day! But he never let us understand. He loved us, more, the most, but I can't. I can never explain what he meant to me. And, I know that there is no way to make him understand it. I  pray to God that my dad can someday realize my love for him."

Tina wiped away her tears and her sister's too. Teja continued with her murmuring tone.

I still remember the day. I was in my English class; the teacher informed me that I was summoned to the Principal's office. I went there. I was told that I have to return home urgently. I knew. I knew that very point that something was wrong and came rushing through the streets. 

Then I saw your face; I saw mom, I saw everybody there. My heart clicked, it stopped beating for seconds, and eventually, I realized dad has departed with time. My heart was flooding with tears; I felt guilty.  I thought that I must be penalized. 

Tina broke her sister's words. She shouted. "Please, sister, don't blame yourself for this. Dad had to depart; maybe this was God's wish."

Teja continued. "My feeling, if I could only explain to you what my heartfelt there. Everybody was giving us false sympathy, making false promises to us. They never realized that I could understand what my soul has lost. The shelter, the support, the backbone we have lost all of it sister. We lost all. And, now, when I look into mom's face. I can feel what the mistake I have made is. It seems like mom has lost her life. She no more seems like a living soul. She just looks like a skeleton. Help me, sister, I can't bear all this anymore."

Tina hugged her sister, holds her tight, and says, "I can understand what you are going through. We both have lost him. You have played with dad. You had beautiful memories but think about me. Since that little tiny age, I see him running to the hospital. The hospital became a daily part, a routine of your life. My heart begged for life each time he was rushed to the hospital. I felt a day would come when he would get well. A time will come when I don't have to go to the hospital to meet dad. He will be with us at home. And, this time, when dad returned from the hospital, I thought it would be the last time. I thought he would never return to the hospital. Not only this time, every time I thought he wouldn't have to return to the beeping sounds of the monitors. It became true this time. There is no need for him to return to the hospital anymore. He has gone. He has gone miles away, and we cannot feel him anymore. He has run away from all of us." 

Tina broke down into tears.

Teja holds her sister's hand  "I am going to tell you something. "

Tina's eyes were filled with shock and questioned, "WHAT?"

"Two days before dad died. I went up to him and talked. I realized that dad was suffering. His disease was something incurable. He would never become what he was before. He died years ago before his body died. So, I realized it could not be done by anyone else. But only by me. I killed him. I murdered him." Teja's words stopped. She had nothing to say. Tina was in shock, she remarked..."You need to rest. You have no idea what you are saying." But Teja clarified it wasn't a story. Tina's heart was flooded with questions, "what, why, how could you do that?"

Teja started explaining “Since childhood I was watching this cancer. It was more superior than our dad. I could not, it was becoming impossible for me to see dad in this situation. I couldn’t see him bound by this cancer. I wanted to end that false sympathy that dad will get well someday. He died the night before you think he actually died. I killed him. I murdered him with his pillow. I choked his breath. Mom thought he slept early, comfortably. But I knew he had died. And that pillow has also gotten burnt with our dad's body. Before going to school I knew I had to return early. The next day everyone thought that the disease finally got the better of him. But it was me who helped him to cross into the next life. But now, when I look at you and mom. I feel guilty." She cried “Don't say this to anybody please."

Tina snatched out her hand rushing towards the door and shouted "this is wrong, I will tell this to mom."

Suddenly their mom opens the door of the room. She entered and remarked. "Your mom knows everything, now come downstairs."

Both the sisters were shocked. Tina questioned, "What do you know?" She said out loud "I know that your sister does not want to go down. She is missing your dad. We all are missing him. But sitting in this room won't bring him back. So come on." 

Their mother came out of the room followed by both the sisters. They went downstairs. There were relatives and neighbors. Those people came towards the girls asking if they were alright. They nodded in unison. They sat with their mother in front of their dad's picture. They all were praying for him. The sisters looked at each other's faces. 

Tina: "I won't tell this to anyone. But can you say this to your heart?" 

Teja could not understand what her sister was pointing towards. She asked "I cannot get you? What I am supposed to say to my heart?" 

Tina in a deep breath said, "Can you keep a secret?”