Second Chances

Life has a really round-about way of teaching you things you never thought you needed. You made plenty of mistakes in the past and when you realized it, you said you’ll do things differently if given another chance, while secretly hoping that the moment never comes because just the thought of it makes your heart thud loudly in your chest with fear. Uncertainty has always been a struggle for you, it drives you into deep, anxious states and you try to avoid it at all costs. That’s how you spent most of your life; in fear of uncertainty, so much that you lost love and friends along the way just so you wouldn’t have to make any tough decisions.

But then life comes barging in and brings more people into your life, people who you don’t want to lose this time. So you step out of your comfort zone and you get to know him. It turns out you really connect well and things seem to be going well. You get closer and closer and in a few months, you think you even love him. Ah, love, it’s the first time you’re experiencing it and it feels like such a rush; so many butterflies, magical feelings, and so much joy! You think you’ve found the one. 

So one day he starts hinting that he loves you as well. Only, it seems like both of you are afraid to say it. Your anxiety and fear of being wrong or humiliated get to you and you refuse to say it first. You’re being a coward. But he stops beating around the bush and he tells you that he loves you. And suddenly, you’re so afraid. You’ve never been in love before. You don’t know how to be a girlfriend. You don’t know so many things about love and everything changes if you say it back to him. But agh no, you don’t want to hurt him either! So you tell him you’re 3/4th of the way in love with him. And he’s shocked but tries to hide it, brushing it away with a “Why can’t you just be 1/4th more in love?” You’re afraid but you feel safer knowing you didn’t dive head-first into something so new and foreign. 

As much as you didn’t want things to change, they do. And how could they not? It’s love you’re dealing with here. It’s big and it’s powerful and it changes things, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. You’re not sure which side the balance is going to shift to so once again, you’re really afraid. But oh no, what happens next? An innocent action turns to jealousy? Ahh shit, you didn’t mean to hurt him! You want to make things right again. “I love you, not him!” you say earnestly. And so if things weren’t different already, they’ve changed even more now. But you’ve said it and it’s for the best, you realize. You don’t want to be afraid. 

You’d think that after professing love, things would be more colorful and more beautiful? Well, they are at times, but they’re often overshadowed by the crippling anxiety about this new foreign territory. You start to over-analyze everything. And suddenly he sees a new side to you, a darker side that only comes out when your sense of comfort is challenged, and suddenly he starts to pull away. What’s worse is that your family finds out ( who are very conservative in nature) and things become even more suffocating. You don’t know right from wrong, you’re always crying and afraid, and the people you confide in try to support you as best as they can but some of them think you’re being weak and stupid. So you start pulling away from them and retreating further into your shell. Soon you have to break things off with him because of too many issues, complications, not to mention upcoming exams that deserve your attention more than anything else. 

Time goes on. He’s still in your life somehow. It feels like Fate keeps pushing you together and that makes it even harder to let him go. He’s not who he once was, that’s for sure. You see a new side to him, maybe one that’s been there all along but you were too naive and blinded by your love for him. Love. You’re not sure if that’s what you feel anymore. Or if that’s what the feeling was all along. Because this is like a force of gravity, pulling you towards him even when you know he’s not good for you. Even when he shuns you away. Even when talking to him makes you feel so incredibly anxious that you can’t keep your meals in anymore. You think to yourself that you made a promise to love him and always be there for him. That’s what love is, right? Staying by their side no matter how much shit they give you because you don’t abandon the ones you love. Is that really what love is all about? You’re not so sure anymore. 

As the months go by, he’s still very capricious in his nature and you can’t figure him out. There have been times where he cut you off and didn’t talk to you for months. And even though that should have been cleansing, you still hold on, and you still linger, because when you decided to take a chance and love someone and let him into your life all those years ago, you were still growing and still learning about life and, more importantly, yourself, you realize, and so you never knew how you deserved to be treated yet. So you clung to the one thing you poured your heart and soul into.

But it got to the point where you needed additional help, so you started therapy, for the same man who you once saw a future with and some foolish part still wanted that. 

Things changed slowly. He cut you off again and this time you didn’t reach out again. You started taking care of yourself. You started building back the relationships that burned down when you were so in pain and fear. You started remembering there’s more to life than just one person. And most importantly, you started working on yourself, caring for yourself, and promised to not be afraid of change anymore and to dive head-first if you found something worthy of holding on to. 

These are the thoughts swirling through your head a few years later as this new brave, and beautiful man before you professes his undying love to you. He who knows your fears, your darkness, your messy parts, and loves every bit of them just as much as all the happy and beautiful parts of you. Someone who is willing to understand you and get to know you and grow with you for the rest of your lives. This man right here deserves a chance, you realize. You’re frozen in place because the same fear that gripped you back then is gripping you once again. But you know that this time, you don’t want any regrets. This time you don’t want to hold back. This time you want to give love a chance, real love that makes you grow and flourish and doesn't confine you.

So this time you say yes. This time you tell them straight-up that you love them, even when you’re not sure you believe in that.

This time you let someone into your life uninhibited. And it has been the best decision you’ve ever made.

This time, you’re actually happy. 

This time, it’s all worth it.