The Challenge Of Being Depressed

Trigger warning: suicide, mental illness

“It doesn’t count if you’re already planning your defeat.” Ms. Miller said to me. 

“Well, what else am I supposed to do? You have seen the world out there, you have seen the horrors, the cruelties, and violence that have been happening since the beginning of mankind. It’s not actually a defeat when there’s no winner at the end of the day. How am I supposed to keep on living in this world where everything is so sickening and people are never going to change?” I asked her

“It’s not like that my dear. Yes, there are all those things you said, but the world is changing, sooner or later, but it is going to happen. The whole world, though, shouldn’t be the cause of your defeat. There are winners out there darling, you just have to see it with your own eyes. Life is complicated, people come and go every day, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t dare to live our own lives. We can’t always control the whole world, but we can control our own lives, and you dear friend, you can survive this world and be a real winner. You have something special inside you, something that many people don’t have, and that is a unique mind. You should be glad you are not like others. You should be glad that you are alive and you keep on fighting for what is right and what you love. If you just die, just like that, what will you have really accomplished?” she said to me with passion in her voice. 

“I get what you are saying, but it won’t change anything, Whether I’m alive or not, the world is still going to be the same, I can’t fix the world, and whether I’m alive or not it’s going to be the same for the Universe. Just one less soul on Earth, just one less person.” I said to her.

“How do you know you can’t change the world? You may not understand this, but if you truly want to change the world, you can do it. You may not change everyone or everything, but you can definitely change the lives of people or the lives of other creatures you might be interested in. All you need is to find out how you are going to do this and just keep on trying. Honey, if you die, that’s just it, you died, there’s no turning back, you won’t be able to change anything either way and you’ll just be gone before you have the chance to do the things you might love. I know you have certain dreams in your life, as last time we saw each other you told me about them. How do you expect to make your dreams come true if you’re not here? Life is hard, but it can be beautiful and easier than you might think. Not everything has to be so complicated. You can figure out a way to solve your problems and be okay and then fight for the things you love and want. I’m not saying it to you just as your therapist, but as a human being who has been through a lot and I know what you are going through. You have to trust me, all you need is a bit of help and then you might be able to do wonderful things. Don’t you want to travel the world? Have those pets you were telling me about the other day? Live in the USA one day? Be an actress and a writer? Have relationships and more friendships and just live your life? Don’t you?” Ms. Miller said to me and made me shiver 

“I do want all these things and some others as well,” I said with a sad face. 

“Then don’t give up, don’t give your defeat in life. I will give you the number of a psychiatrist who you can call and ask for some help there and since she’s a doctor she might be able to help you on the medical side as well. Don't give up on hope. Here is this number before we close our session for tonight.” she said, giving me a piece of paper with a phone number on. 

The next day as I woke up, I went to my usual spot, which is my couch, opened my laptop to watch some of the series I was watching these days and then all of a sudden I realized I needed a change, so I called the psychiatrist and made an appointment on Friday with the psychiatrist my therapist told me about. I felt embarrassed and scared to do it, but I had to. As soon as I hung up the phone, I started crying so much I felt scared I would wake up my sister in the next room. Thankfully she didn’t. 

After a few days from that phone call, I didn’t feel so well psychologically and I had a real need to kill myself. I entered this corporate building, which wasn’t that tall, and I tried to go to the roof as sneaky as I could. Unfortunately, the guards saw me and threw me out of the building and didn’t manage to get near the roof, so I went to a building near it, which had many apartments, but it wasn’t tall that much either. I went up to the roof and it was unlocked, so I opened the door for the roof and there I was, in a high spot where I was planning on falling off of it. I went to the side and as I saw the height I got scared of it. I was speaking with myself, the one side telling me to jump and the other telling me not to do it. I thought about my appointment the next day and thought that maybe I should wait one more day and then see if I really want to do it or not. I left and fortunately, I never went there again in my life. 

5 Years Later

I still have my depressive days, but ever since I went to the psychiatrist and she gave me the medical treatment, everything went better. I started exercising a bit in the week, I tried to be more careful with my food, although I still eat chocolate most days. And I started lessons for the Spanish language and the year after I went for acting lessons. After 5 years of trying and trying, I am now in a better state than I was back then and if everything goes well, I will be able to live in America as well sooner or later. I still don’t have a steady relationship, and maybe at some point it will come, but it just didn’t happen. I would say I have more occasional situations, one night stands, friends with benefits, etc situations. I would like to have a real relationship at some point, either a monogamous one or a polyamory one, but it’s not really my main concern at the moment. If she comes into my life, very well, if not, I really can’t do anything about it. I found a job after a year and I am still on that job, just so that I can have some money of my own and later I will do what I love. I still have my cat at home and also I started being a bit more careful with the house cleaning. In general, things are better and I hope I don’t fall down again because at the place where I was back then, I really did feel so hopeless, worthless and I really wanted to die because I didn’t know what to do with my life. What I learned from all this is that WE CAN ALWAYS FIND A BETTER WAY.