Stubborn

What good is it being stubborn if you don’t keep trying? Alik stared at the cabin in the center of the clearing, her snowshoe tracks trailing back three miles through the sparse alpine forest to the road. She knew how this would probably end, but she had to try. She checked the device on her wrist, and watched it count down the seconds before she began moving again.

The sky was darkening with clouds as she crossed to the cabin. It always seemed larger from the outside. The deep covered porch welcomed her, and she removed the snowshoes and let herself into the mud room. It wasn’t much warmer than outside, but it was dry. She shucked her boots and gloves and parka, putting them neatly in the spaces provided.

“It looks like you forgot something.”

Alik jumped. “Gods, Neery, I didn’t hear you come out.” She turned to give the smaller woman a hug. “What do you mean I forgot something?”

“Mail? I don’t see any.” Neery searched through the hanging parka and made exaggerated searching movements around the mud room. “Nope, no mail here. I fully expect you’ll forget to bring something you need for your own funeral.”

“I didn’t forget it.” Alik’s mouth grew tight. “I— can’t bring it anymore.”

“What does that mean?”

“They shut down your box. Something about being four months behind on your box rent. You’ll have to go in personally to pick up any mail, but I paid your overdue bill.”

“Assholes. World’s full of them.” Neery hugged Alik again. “Now you know why I live here. Come inside and get warm and dry, dinner’s on the stove.”

“What’s dinner?” Alik asked

“It’s that meal that comes in the evening.”

“See, I think you’re the asshole.” Alik stuck her tongue out. “You know I meant, ‘What, dear sister, have you prepared for our dinner?’”

“Mystery soup.” Neery winked. “I’m running low on spuds, otherwise it would be mystery stew.”

Inside, the cabin was lit by oil lamps. A wood stove provided heat and a cooking surface. A meticulous stack of firewood stood near the rear door, while glassware lined the open-front cupboards like soldiers on parade. Everything in the cabin was placed just so, making straight lines and right angles, nothing out of place.

They ate in silence, Neery casting curious glances at Alik. When they had finished, Alik collected the bowls and spoons and washed them in the basin to one side of the cabin, full of cold soapy water.

“Alik, what are you doing here?”

“I would say that I’m just here to see my sister,” Alik said, “but that would be a lie.”

“No shit.” Neery took the bowl Alik was drying. “What happened?”

“I want you to come stay with me.” Alik raised a hand to stop Neery’s response. “You don’t want to, I know. But I miss you, and I worry about you.”

“Gods you’re stubborn. You don’t stop, do you? I won’t ever go back. Especially while—”

“Mom died,” Alik said. “Last month. I sent you a letter, but you haven’t picked up your mail in six months.”

“Shit.”

“Exactly.” Alik took the bowl back from Neery and placed it in the stack in the open cupboard. She took the time to ensure the rims of the bowls were exactly one finger-width back from the edge of the shelf and perfectly centered, the way Neery liked.

“I feel like I should be happy finally, or relieved.” Neery sat heavily in the chair nearest the stove. “Truth is, though, I don’t really feel anything.”

“Will you at least consider staying with me over the winter?”

“Considered it, don’t want to.”

“Neery, I mean it. Take some time to think it over.” Alik sank into the overstuffed sofa. “Mom’s gone. You’re all I have left in the world.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be my support?” Neery asked. “You’re the big sister here.”

“Nee-nee—”

“Okay, I’ll consider it. Sheesh, you’d think I ran away from you.”

“You kind of did,” Alik said, “but I understand why you had to leave. I still don’t understand why you had to go to the ends of the Earth to do it, but you had to leave; I get that.”

“While you’re getting things, there’s a bottle and shot glasses in the cupboard nearest the wall,” Neery hinted.

Alik brought the bottle and glasses and set them on the low table. “I know you thought about getting a dog,” she said. “I’ve got enough space for one and a fenced yard.”

“What’s stopping you from getting one?”

“There’s no one to watch it while I’m traveling for work.”

Neery laughed and poured shots. “That’s why you want me to come back; to be a dog-sitter.”

“That’s not true,” Alik said, “but if you wanted to get one, you could.”

“This is just like the time you convinced me to buy the Molly doll with my birthday money instead of the roller-skates I wanted.” They drank their shots.

“How so?”

“You said it would be fun to have the matched set with your Millie doll and we’d have tea parties every afternoon.” Neery poured another round. “Instead, you played with it almost all the time and I’d have to beg to even see the doll.”

“I was six, give me a break.” Alik swallowed the second shot, feeling its warmth spread through her. “If you really want skates, I’ll get you some high-end roller-blades.”

“You’re such a bitch,” Neery said.

“And that’s why you love me.”

“Cheers to that.”

They drank in relative silence, Neery adding the occasional log to the fire, for what seemed like hours.

“I’ve had enough. I need to sleep,” Neery said. “Same as usual, I sleep near the wall.”

Alik nodded and waited until Neery had climbed to the sleeping loft before clearing up the bottle and glasses. They’d gone through half of it. That was probably too much, but at least she’s calm. She checked the device, saw the time, and smiled.

When Alik lay down her sister was already snoring. She had no sooner gotten settled than Neery snuggled up close to her. Sleep overtook her in minutes.

Alik was awakened by the sound of metallic scraping. Faint morning light showed in the windows, the bed was empty next to her, and the unmistakable aroma of coffee enticed her out of the warm blankets. Climbing down from the loft, she saw Neery scooping ash out of the wood stove into a pail.

“Morning.”

“About time you woke up,” Neery said. “Thought the coffee would do it, but since it didn’t, I figured I’d just get on with my day.”

“Don’t change your routine for me,” Alik said. “If I’m in your way just say so.”

Neery held the pail and fireplace shovel out to her. “Could you put these in the mud room? And bring in the small dust brush and dustpan on your way back in?”

Alik took the tools and walked out to the mud room. The door clicked behind her and she turned, expecting Neery to be there but she was alone. She set the bucket down on the stone paver it had been sitting on when she arrived.

She began to look for the dustpan, knowing that Neery would put it away in such a manner that it would be plainly visible. It wasn’t in the mud room. She tried to step back inside but the door was locked.

“Neery! Don’t do this!” she cried. “We can work it out! I’m here for—”

The shot rang out and echoed in the cabin, scaring the ravens out of the surrounding trees. Alik kicked at the door until it opened. Her sister lay still in a growing puddle of blood in the middle of the otherwise spotless room, the revolver still in her hand.

Alik closed the door and donned her parka, gloves, and boots. She stepped out of the mud room and put on her snowshoes. It took only a few minutes to reach her tracks at the edge of the clearing. Positioning her snowshoes into the earlier tracks she took a deep breath and pressed a button on the side of the device.

Alik spoke into the device. “Neery died at 8:04 am; she shot herself. Beginning attempt eighteen.” She touched a control on the device and found herself in the same position, again, on the previous day. What good is it being stubborn if you don’t keep trying?