Do You Remember?

Dear long-lost Friend,

Today is the day I change! Today is the day I finally write you this letter.

I know we haven’t talked in a while. I miss you. I know, I know you don’t believe me. But do you remember the summer of 6th grade? When you told me you liked her? You told me her name, age, how long you were friends, you told me everything about her. I tried to get you to reach out to her, but you were too shy. 

What about the time when you begged me to stay up with you to play that game. What was it again? Was 'Totally Reliable Delivery Service' or was it 'Minecraft'? You begged me… I couldn’t though because of my dad. Ah, I miss that.

Do you remember staying up with me for hours talking? Remember how I made you go to sleep? I felt bad you were so tired. You kept refusing. Until I made you. I made you shut off your computer and anytime I saw you get online I would make you go back to bed. 

Do you remember when you came to me crying because of a fight you got into with our best friend? I fixed it. Do you remember how many times that happened? Every Time I was there for you! Do you remember that fight, that fight with your twin? You stopped talking with her and him for weeks. If I was there you would only let me talk to you. 

Do you remember VRChat? When I watched you play it and you saw him. I knew you wanted to talk to him. I made you. Are you two still that close?

Remember the thousand times we talked about having an all-nighter? Just us two. With no outside interruptions. What about that series we were watching, “The Rising of The Shield Heros,” with Raphtalia. We watched 3 episodes together and never watched it again. 

Remember your birthday, your 14th birthday? You and your twin fought over me. I divided my 6 hours that day between you and him. Remember my birthday, my 14th birthday? You got me for the most time out of everyone. Everyone was so jealous. What about my party, that I only invited you, your brother, and my closest friend. Do you remember the walk, you got so scared of the dark… I had to stand by you so you fell over. Remember how when we were walking back you looked up at the almost full moon and sunset and said, “I will never forget this moment.” Remember the s'mores? The best s'mores ever, you were so humble.

Remember that time I came out to you and said I liked you. We talked for 5 hours straight. You didn’t want me to go to sleep. You tried everything to get me to stay awake. But I was so drained it took me 1 ½ years to tell you I liked you. Why was I so scared, I don’t know. Even when I told you I liked you I couldn't directly say it I made you guess.

Remember when I watched you play that game? You were climbing a roof and slipped and started crying out to me, you screamed and asked me to hold your hand. But a tiny bit later I got scared and you cried out as you were laughing, “You need the hand holding more than I do, don't you?” I couldn’t help myself. I blushed and stuttered, “I-I- guess,” with a nervous laugh.

What about the time when you got sick? When I figured it out I was with you until I had to go. I threw aside my biggest fear just for you. I messaged you non-stop and was right there telling you stories so you wouldn’t be so worried, I told you how sorry I was that I couldn't be beside you. You told me in these exact words, “You don’t need to stay here. You can go.” I asked you, “Why?” you replied with, “I’m used to being alone.” My heart dropped that simple sentence… made me want to stay by you and never leave you. 

What about that time, when all my other friends turned against me? You instantly messaged me. You told me to ignore them, that they don't matter, that you were here for me. You made me cry. I was bawling but happy tears. 

Remember when I told you that I would never leave you? You told me you would try to never leave me. What happened? After you told me that, you changed.

What did I do? Why do you hate me? Did I upset you somehow? I thought we were inseparable. Everything that happened in the past years was thrown in the garbage. Why did you tell me no one cares about you? I care about you. Do you know how many times our old best friend had to comfort me? No. No, you don’t because you left me. You hurt me. You hurt me so much. I was crying for months. 

As soon as I was sort of accepting it you reached out. I was playing with our old best friend. You joined us on Roblox. You started messaging me directly. I broke down and I couldn't help it. I thought you wanted to repair everything the past 3 years that you threw away. 

I gave you another chance. We talked for a week and it happened again. I was in denial, “Maybe he just had a bad day?” I thought to myself repeatedly, I didn't want to believe that you had left again. A week later you came back to me begging for forgiveness. I accepted it and we started again. You left me within a few weeks. Repeat. Over and over again. Our old best friend stepped in and yelled at you. You apologized for being a jerk to me. I was broken. You broke me.

I gave you another chance this time it lasted for a few months until you were done. I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down to our old best friend. He comforted me for hours while he stayed with me. He asked me why I keep giving you chances if I end up hurt and bruised each time you leave me. I cried, “I don’t know.” He was there. Slowly taking your place as my best friend. The one who was there countless times. 

I gave you another shot. This time I slowly built up our relationship. I wasn't so persistent about making sure you were ok. It worked! I was there for you when you reached out to me. I was always there on the sidelines, waiting for you to need me. She then came into your life.

She was a sweet girl. I was happy you had found her. You talked about her with me for a while. I helped you figure out you liked her. My heart shattered a bit when I helped you with it. Perhaps it was because I still liked you, even though you treated me like crap. I helped you when you two got in a fight. Until we stopped talking again.

That time when we stopped talking… I felt betrayed, so very betrayed. I thought you wanted me in your life, I thought we fixed everything up. But I was wrong. I thought about you every day. Every day you were on my mind. I tried pushing the thought of you away but I couldn't. 

I had to deal with it every day, that's our old best friend was so fed up with you for my good, he dropped you. He couldn’t handle everything you put me through. I felt bad, you guys had been friends for longer than I knew you. I tried to get him to give you another chance but he refused. He didn’t want to see me get hurt again. I tried and I’m sorry.

Do you remember the last time we talked? We talked for an hour. You told me about her how you two had slowly stopped talking. You told me that he was your only friend, the friend I made you talk to. I was answering instantly, as fast as I could. I was so happy you reached out to me! I was overjoyed. I kept messaging you. We went on it for a while. I avoided asking how you were, in fear of you getting upset and stopping messaging me. You even said, “Hah. I’m surprised you haven’t asked me how I am yet.” That made me smile a bit. After a while, you told me, “I won’t ever reach out to you again, this is goodbye.”

I knew that was going to happen, but I didn't expect it to hurt so much… Why did it hurt so much? You know it's been 4 months. I still don’t understand why you left me, why it hurt so much. I don’t think I ever will. 

I still think about you, very often. I want to reach out to you again but I won't. I will never forget you no matter how hard I try.