Letting him go

     I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he knows how hard it is. How painful. 

    It’s been eight years and I still think about him when I get up in the morning and when I go to bed. I wonder if he likes me back, I wonder what all the signs mean that make it look like he likes me. He never talks to me, never will. But about three years ago, I made myself go up to him and talk, at least have a decent conversation. It may have been fifteen minutes and I felt nothing. Like nothing, no racing heartbeat, no stuttering words, nothing. And after that moment I began to forget him. He seemed to have disappeared from my thoughts. But not completely, I still watched for him, wanted his attention and be near him. But I made myself, forced myself to stay away from him, just to keep those feelings from surfacing. I didn’t want those feelings because I knew he will never pick me. I didn’t want them because, I was afraid of the pain. 

   So I ignored him. Avoided him and whenever anyone mentioned him, I changed the subject. We never had anything. It’s always been me, thinking about him. I’ve often caught him looking and he seemed to give me attention just enough to let me know he was there and that he cared, about what, I’m not sure. And as the days went by I thought that I had “let him go.”

    But then last year in the summer, he left and before he could even come back, there was a rumor that he had a girlfriend. I was happy for him, very happy. My heart didn’t even flutter or break or anything. I just felt nothing. I was glad for him and for myself, that he finally found someone and the I could move on and also the clear sign that he didn’t not like me. 

   We were never together all summer long. Not like we used to be years ago. So I hardly ever saw him.  And if there were times that I could have been near him, I avoided them. We have never been alone, we have always been with a group of people. Occasionally we were alone in a room and it was awkward. I’ve always been so scared of him. So very shy. It’s always been better with people around, because his attention is on others, hardly ever on me. 

    Then that one day came. That one hell of a day where we spent a whole day together, but with other people, of course. We went bowling with a bunch of people and then had supper later and it was the most amazing day of my life. He did things that made realize he really did care about me and I felt it all again. My feelings that I had kept at bay for so long seemed to rush out all at once and after that day I couldn’t stop thinking about him. 

   This guy has nothing that I see in the guy that I would like to date. But yet why does my heart almost jump out when I see him. Like it’s screaming for him. I made him laugh once and it was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. He doesn’t smile often, but when he does, I cherish it.  He lacks self esteem but yet he has loads of confidence. Is he cute? Are you kidding me? He’s adorable. Girls love him. But yet he’s never had a girlfriend before. So what’s so special about this one. Sometimes I still can’t believe he has one. 

    He went to her place for three weeks. Three weeks! How could he know so quickly she was the one. They are most likely getting married. She made him a shirt and he wore it. Like it’s official. I never thought this would happen. 

   When he was gone those three weeks all I could think about was what may be happening. Did her family like him? What did they think? What did they talk about? Did her sisters giggled over him? Did they go for walks? Did they hold hands? Did they take pictures? Did they go for dinner? Did he buy her something? 

   The questions were endless and my mind just wouldn’t. We went to play a game of softball and he walked away to talk with someone. It had to be her, of course. But it hurt a lot. I couldn’t help thinking what they were talking about. The only reason I had come was because I knew he would be there. I often only went because of him. I wonder what my life would have been like if it hadn’t be for him. I miss him. 

   Jane looked at the letter. This crush was getting ridiculous. She really needed to get over this guy. There are lots of other guys out there, yes, but none like him. 

  Jane quickly folded the letter and put it in her pocket, to reread for later. She heard her friends loudly proclaim their arrival downstairs and went to meet them. It was there night to go out. 

   They went to see a movie, which they could have skipped, it had a totally predictable ending. Then they went to eat supper and discussed their New Year’s Resolutions. Jane smiled to herself and thought of her own. One was to let him go, had been for years, but just so happens to never work. The others were lesser matters of the hearts and more mundane. Her other friends had also very unique ideas. One wanted to go to Paris, the other to finish her first book and get it published. Most just wanted to get out more and have fun. 

   When Jane got home that night she reread her letter and realized something. This crush was no longer just silly feelings for a guy. She really did care about him, if this girl ever cheated on him, she might tear her to pieces. She really wanted to protect him from anything that might hurt him. She hoped this girl knew how special he was and how much care and love he deserved.

   Love. She did love him. Because of who he was and the choices he’s made, even though they weren’t what she wanted. Jane put the letter into her diary and had to hold back her tears. And she knew because she loved him, she let him go.