Secrets of the Lost

“Can you keep a secret?”

The words tore her life apart like a crochet blanket her grandma once made. Catching on every loose thread and slowly pulling. Pulling until everything she knew unraveled. Moisture cuts through her rain jacket, proving that ten dollars really is too cheap for quality clothing. The soft scent of rain tugs at her consciousness, but she forces it back into the dark recesses of her mind. Tiny rivulets of water stream down her collarbone, and rain-soaked hair lashes her face in the violent wind. Damp socks squish against the tops of her shoes as she wriggles her toes.

           Tears mingle with the rain on her face, but her head stays high. She always had a way of doing that, walking as if the world was on her shoulders. One slightly forward. Straining to push through life. Not noticing everyone else who stands beside her. A large SUV splashes past her perch on the bench. Muddy water slips down her clothes and face, leaving dark tracks to complement the tears.

           But, she knows that when she gets home no one will notice. No one will ask, where were you? Or, why are you so dirty? But she will go home.

           Coins clatter in her pocket as her phone begins to vibrate. Cold hands shaking, she pulls it out, opening the clear plastic bag. Bright smiles fueled by joy and adrenaline greet her. The contact picture to the person calling. She itches to press the call button, but common sense wins out. Several dozen missed calls and countless messages that she can’t bear to look at, fill the lock screen when the call finally clears.

           “Can you keep a secret?”

           She had assumed that it would be something petty that only a high school girl would care about. She had assumed that when she said yes, it would be something that didn’t survive the hype. She had assumed wrong.

           The smell of rain was thick and heavy in the air, weighing down on her lungs and making her head spin. Her darting eyes had flickered to the faces of everyone she saw, trying to figure out who else knew. The invisible weight on her shoulders increased by a tenfold. Each step was difficult as she shouldered her way through the crowd. Looking around, it amazed her that no one else noticed. No one else could tell that her world was crumbling. In a terrible way, it was almost satisfying. Knowing that she was doing such a good job at acting like everything was normal, that no one could tell the difference.

           Each lingering glance sent chills of fear through her bones. Gooseflesh would rise on her arms, though most the time she was burning up.

The lack of insulation in her water-logged clothes causes her teeth to chatter, the park bench pulling warmth from her body faster than it can be replenished.

“Can you keep a secret?”

Her best friend’s words ring in her ears like a gunshot. Slamming against the inside of her skull. The smiling faces of her and the girl who was practically her sister, still shine at her whenever she opens her phone. She had meant to change it for two weeks now, but forgets over and over, until she looks at her phone again. The sheer looks of joy on their faces bring a sense of nostalgia to the front corner of her mind, although the photo was taken mere weeks ago.

The night before everything fell apart. That was how she thought of everything now. Before, and after the truth. Before the secrecy and lies took root in the one thing they shouldn’t have been able to touch. After her family had been torn apart. After her father had thought that tape could be used to hold together a shattered semblance of normal.

Rain begins to form minuscule lakes and rivers inside of her boots. An intricate landscape is being formed around her toes, and although she tries to ignore it, the chill seeps deeper and deeper into her bones. Water trickles down her bare legs into socks that have scrunched down around her ankles. Her long hair cascades over her shoulders and down her back like a waterfall, dripping and streaming.

From a bystander’s point of view, it almost looks as if she is empty. A shell of her former self. It’s hard not to be callous when the rug has been torn from under your feet.

A new text chimes in on her phone, still clenched in her shaking hands. Held between her palms like she is using it to pray.

This isn’t your fault, the text from her father reads, no matter what anyone says.

She knows that it wasn’t her fault that her father had up and left. But no matter how often she tells herself that, a tiny voice in the back of her mind whispers. Murmurs to that monster that lurks deep inside her chest.

Her fingernails cut into the tendons and muscles in her hands. Vague words of a conversation she wishes she can forget, resurface in her mind.

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Yes. What is it?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Her friend’s eyes glimmer with sparkling pools of tears. Strawberry lips twist into a confused smile, crinkling a delicate nose and pulling her friend’s brows down.

“It’s my mom­­—” A broken sob interrupts her speech, pulling her to her knees. Empathy fills her gut as the meaning sinks in. She kneels next to the trembling form of her friend wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“A—and your dad.”

Three words. Three simple words were all it took to knock her world out from beneath her. To shake everything she ever knew from its foundation.

The bench she sits on numbs her leg muscles, but everything around her is tilting so much that she is scared to move. Scared to think. She doesn’t know where home is anymore. Her only parent left is married to a woman that is certainly not her mom. So she sits, shivering and cold, surrounded by the cherished memories of people gone too soon.

Like her mother.