What I leave behind

For the first time in forever, it was just me and Jasper for the holidays. We had just moved out of our parent’s homes, and were ready to take the next step in our relationship. As much as we loved our parents, we wanted this Christmas to be special. Living in California, a white Christmas was completely out of the question. So rather than spend another Christmas in sixty degree weather with our parents, we rented a little cabin in Milad in the forest, hoping for a white Christmas. Our first Christmas with just the two of us. 

But it didn’t snow, not even a little bit. I was disappointed, but still enjoyed snuggling by the warmth of the fireplace opening gifts and watching our favorite Hallmark films. It was during those films that there was a warning forced onto our TV screen. 

Winter storm warning for all regions of Idaho. Roads and runways will be dangerous, so please consider changing travel plans for after the new year. 

Most people would be groaning in frustration, but not me and Jasper. This was just what we had wanted. The perfect unexpected adventure. And so, we stayed in the little cabin an extra week, spending New Year’s Eve throwing a party with no guests, and New Years creating a journal of resolutions together. 

Neither of us wanted to leave, but we both had to work, and we both agreed that the best thing would be to get back to California early so we weren’t returning to work exhausted. So on January third, the two of us packed up our things and began the drive back to Cali. 

We had originally planned to leave earlier in the day, but it took so long to pack everything that it was already dark by the time we had left. As much as I loved the holidays, daylight savings had always been a pain in my ass. I knew that Jasper didn’t particularly like driving in the dark, but he knew I was already burnt out from all the packing, so he said he would drive. He just turned on his favorite radio station, and tried not to let the blinding headlights and nerve-wracking road signs make him anxious. 

I don’t remember when, but at some point I had actually fallen asleep. I’m not sure how long I had dozed off for, but when I opened my eyes again, I was laying on my side. The car was overturned. I realized almost immediately that we had gotten into an accident. My voice felt locked in my throat as I tried to call out for Jasper. Other than a throbbing ankle, I felt fine. I was able to move enough to unbuckle my seat belt, open the door, and squeeze past the airbag that had been suffocating me. I looked around for Jasper, but there was no one. I was completely abandoned in the overturned car. 

Tears spilled down my face as I looked for anyone or anything to help me. The snow had started coming down again, and was already starting to bury our car under it. I kept looking for some sign of life, but there was no police, no other cars, no Jasper, not even a road. Wherever we had crashed, we had rolled off the road. I didn't know what to do anymore. I zipped up my coat, and started to trudge through the snow. 

“Jasper!” I called out. “Jasper please!” But of course, there was no answer. Did he abandon me? No, he would never do that. Maybe he went to get help? But how long ago could it have been? There’s no cars or police, wherever I was seemed to be completely abandoned. I fell to my knees and started to sob. My mind was fuzzy with confusion. But then, I heard it faintly. The sound of my name being called. 

I jumped up and ran towards the sound that I knew had to be Jasper’s voice. I knew he wouldn’t abandon me. It took a while, but eventually I was able to follow the sound of his voice until it was clear as day. And then, there he was. Bundled up in his coat, hat, scarf and snow boots, I could see Jasper looking around frantically. 

“Jasper!” He didn't even turn his head. “Jasper?” He continued to search as if wasn't standing a few feet away from him. His boots made large indents in the fresh snow. But when I looked down at my own boots, there was nothing. I turned around to look at the path of footsteps that would have indicated where I had come from, but there was nothing. That could only mean one thing; that I was gone. 

I felt so helpless as I watched him search for me. When I reached out and touched him, I could feel it, but it was obvious that he didn't. When I took his hand, trying to pull him towards the car, he still never sensed my presence, but it must have sparked his inner intuition, because he eventually made his way back to the car. And that was when I saw it. 

When I had managed to get out of the car, I didn’t notice that when I had left, it was only my spirit. My body was still there, mangled in the seat belt and airbag. “I’m sorry that i’m left.” Jasper cried as he stared at my corpse. “I tried to find help, but I...I failed...and now you’re gone…” The two of us cried together, and I wanted nothing more than for him to be able to feel me hugging him, but he never did. Not even a little bit.

I thought that once I realized I was dead, I might see the light and move on. But no light ever came. I stayed with Jasper through the night as he huddled next to me, as if my lifeless body would keep him warm like it used to. He eventually had fallen asleep. I saw that his limbs were starting to change color, and I worried that he might die, too. But hours after he had fallen asleep, a search party found him. 

I followed him as we got loaded in the ambulance, and taken to the hospital. Both of our parents were there waiting. When my mother and father saw my corpse, they had both burst into tears. My father had never been the emotional type, but I guess seeing me in such a feeble state had broken his shell. Jasper’s parents cried for me, too. They hugged my parents, apologizing profusely as if it had been their fault. The only people to blame were ourselves. We wanted a Christmas alone, and now I would never get another Christmas, alone with Jasper or with family. 

For hours, I watched the doctors treat Jasper frantically, watched my parents make phone calls and talk to people about funeral arrangements. But there was still no light. No God, no heaven, no nothing. I was frozen there. I didn't want to move on and leave Jasper, but I also didn't want to stay and watch him grow older, find someone new and have the life that we were supposed to be having together. 

And the worst of it? I couldn't sleep through any of it. When people get depressed, they try to sleep the pain away, but as the hours past, I sat by his bedside while our parents slept in visitor chairs. I was left wide awake, just watching his as his chest rose and fell, like mine never would. It killed me from the inside. I was already dead, yet I still could feel every emotion. Anguish was overpowering me as I watched what I would leave behind.

We were dating four years, almost five. We had already planned to move out and get married before we had even graduated high school. We were meant for each other, and deeply in love. We had talked about how many kids we wanted, what careers we would have, everything was planned. Everything except the trip, and having to stay after New Years. The only thing unplanned was what ruined our life. 

It was about five in the morning that Jasper awoke with a start. He looked around, and realized where he was. Our parents didn’t stir. I just watched him, until somehow we had made eye contact. He stopped breathing for a moment. 

“Mia?” Hearing him say my nickname made the sobs locked in my throat escape. I had burst into tears for what felt to be the millionth time since the accident. He reached his hand out to caress my face, but couldn't. And he realized it, too, because he began to cry as hard as I was. 

“I’m sorry...I couldn’t save you…” The two of us cried together. I could have tried to respond, but I have a feeling he would have never been able to hear me. I’m not sure how he could see me then. Maybe it was meant to happen that way. “You know I’ll never forget you, right? You’ll always be in my heart, no matter what.” I reached out and touched his chest, and he nodded, even laughing a little through the tears that stained his face.

“Yes, that’s right. You’ll always be right there. I promise.” And it was after those words that I finally saw it. The light. It was so bright, so beautiful, so calming...All the anguish that I had was finally leaving my spirit. I took one last look at what I would leave behind. Jasper, who I knew would find someone else who can treat him just as well as I did. My mother, who would probably go through my room and publish every single piece of artwork I was too afraid to share with the world. And my father, who I never quite understood, who would be the man of the house and keep my mother pieced together, as he always had. And then, I let myself go. I knew it wouldn't be the end. I knew that i'd be back. But for the time being, I had to leave it all behind.