Hold on

Loving and fighting, accusing, denying 

I can't imagine a world with you gone 

The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of 

I'd be so lost if you left me alone 

------ 

“I love you.” I say, and you smile, leaning forward to kiss me. 

Our first I love you. I think as you pull away. You link our fingers together, smiling. 

I never want to lose you. You mean so much to me. So much more than you’ll ever know. 

------ 

“Look!” You say, leaning forward, and pointing. “There’s Cassiopia, and Orion, and-what's wrong?” 

“We’re too high.” I mumble, scooting away from the edge of the rooftop. 

You laugh, grabbing my hand. “That’s what’s so fun!” 

You distract me, and I’m mesmerized by everything you do. 

I’m so in love with you. 

------- 

I can’t hear what you’re saying, I can just hear your screams resounding in my ears. 

What did I do wrong? I thought we were okay. 

You’re in front of the bed, yelling at me. I whisper, “I’m sorry. I love you,” and you scoff. You storm out the door.  

I keep it together for five minutes, before I curl up on our bed, and start to cry. 

------- 

You come in late, and slide into bed with me. I don’t open my eyes, but don’t pull away when you pull me close to you. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper. “I don’t know why I yelled at you. I didn’t mean it. I never mean it. I promise.” 

I don’t move from your arms, not even when you start to cry. Just don’t leave me. I love you so much. I couldn’t stand to be alone. 

------- 

You locked yourself in the bathroom 

Lying on the floor when I break through 

I pull you in to feel your heartbeat 

Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me 

------- 

I can’t remember. I can’t remember you ever-no. You did. You must have. 

“Hey. Are you alright?” 

I look up at you, and nod. “Yeah. I’m sorry for making you upset.” 

You shake your head. “That was my fault. Don’t worry about it.” 

“Okay. I love you. I just don’t want...” 

“I know.” You say gently. “I’m sorry about earlier. I won’t leave you. I promise.” 

------- 

“Babe? Let me in. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.” 

It’s too much. You don’t love me. You’ve never loved me. 

My vision is blurry with tears, my hands shaking. The pills spill from my hand when I pour them out of the bottle. I can hear you at the door, but you go silent when you hear them fall to the ground. 

“What are you doing? Open the door, this isn’t-open the door.” 

I swallow one after the other, and I hear you rattling the doorknob, and banding on the door. By the time you get in, I feel sick and dizzy. 

“No. No. Get up. Please get up. Please.” 

------- 

I can barely make out the sound of a phone ringing. I can feel your hands on my forehead, and your fingers on my neck as you cradle my head in your lap. I can hear your hiccupping breaths as you cry. 

I didn’t mean to make you cry. I didn’t think you’d care. You never have before. 

You’re saying something, but I can’t understand anything until I feel your lips on my forehead. 

“Please don’t leave me. I'm sorry. Don’t leave me. Just hold on. Hold on. They’ll be here soon. Stay awake, please just stay awake.” 

------- 

Hold on, I still want you 

Come back, I still need you 

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right 

I swear to love you all my life 

Hold on, I still need you 

------- 

“Don’t leave me.” You whisper. “I need you here. I’m so sorry for everything. It’s all my fault.” 

I love you. 

------- 

Long endless highway, you're silent beside me 

Driving a nightmare, I can't escape from 

Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading 

Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones 

-------- 

I can hear the stifled sirens outside the vehicle, and feel your warm hand in mine. “We’re almost there. Don’t worry.” 

There are other people here, and you talk to them through your tears. 

“Are they okay? Please tell me they’re okay.” 

-------- 

They took you away on a table 

I pace back and forth as you lay still 

They pull you in to feel your heartbeat 

Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me 

---------- 

“Don’t take them from me!” I hear you scream. “Don’t!” 

When they let you in, all I want is to reach for you, but I can’t. I can’t do anything. 

“I’m sorry.” Someone says. “They're in a coma. It’s...highly unlikely they’ll wake from it.” 

I hear your sobs, your hand gripping mine as the machines in the room beep softly in the background. You whisper “I'm sorry,” over and over. 

Beep...Beep...Beep... 

--------- 

Hold on, I still want you 

Come back, I still need you 

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right 

I swear to love you all my life 

Hold on, I still need you 

--------- 

I'm here. I promise, I’m here. 

“Are they okay?” 

“There’s no way to know. I’m sorry.” 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. 

“I’m not leaving. I’ll stay here all night.”  

Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave. 

“I'm so sorry.” You whisper, squeezing my hand before letting it drop. I hear the door swing shut, before the room is quiet. 

Beep...Beep...Beep... 

------- 

I don't wanna let go 

I know I'm not that strong 

I just wanna hear you 

Saying, "Baby, let's go home" 

Let's go home 

Yeah, I just wanna take you home 

-------- 

You come by every day, telling me stories, crying, or just lying beside me. 

“Please. Please come back to me.” 

I know you believe I can hear you. And I can. I want to talk to you. 

“I just want us to be home together again. I’m so sorry.” 

One day, you find the note I left. 

I just wanted to hear you say you love me. 

“I do love you.” You tell me. “I never thought-I thought you knew. I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I love you so much. I’ve always loved you.” 

Beep...Beep...Beep... 

------- 

Hold on, I still want you. 

------- 

Beep...Beep...Beep. Beep. Beep. BeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeepBeep- 

------- 

Come back, I still need you.