Not A Bad Man

“Oh, for the love of…” Selina muttered the curse under her breath, biting off the profanity at the end with gritted teeth, aware of the little ears flapping on the other side of the bathroom door.

“Mama!” the snot-faced, adorable terror that controlled her life hollered loudly enough that the neighbours would likely call 911.

“Mama needs to pee. Give me a minute.” Ha! As if a two-year-old understood the concept of time or personal space. From the moment he toddled his first steps—actually, from the moment he could crawl—Jasper had followed Selina everywhere. There was no privacy left for her to do the important things, like peeing, and God forbid if she wanted to put makeup on. “I’ll be right out, buddy!”

The door handle trembled and twisted back and forth. Shit, when had he gotten so tall? She watched in dread as the handle turned, sitting there, unable to move, her knickers around her ankles. Tear streaked blue eyes peered around the door as it swung open.

“Mama!” Such delighted surprise filled that one word.

“Mama’s here buddy, let me pee, ok? Go watch Bluey.”

The diversion tactic did not deflect Jasper. He slammed the door open, and tumbled into the bathroom, his wide eyes watching Selina’s every move. She sighed, resigned to an audience as she finished her business, washed her hands, then scooped up her son, covering him with kisses all the way back to the living room, where she curled up with him on the ratty old lounge in front of the small TV screen. It was playing a cartoon about an animated blue-heeler who wrestled with child sized problems. With her face buried in Jasper’s blond curls, so soft and smelling of his unique baby scent, Selina wished for her own problems to be child-sized. Unfortunately, her problems came in the six-foot variety.

Leaving Jasper’s father had been both the hardest and easiest decision. She could not imagine a life with him in it anymore, but she was struggling to make a life without him. After all, James was a good man. She wouldn’t have married him otherwise. He was just a sick man, a man who had traded his family for the bottom of a bottle. It didn’t make him bad, it just made him unreliable and unstable. When it had been just the two of them, it wasn’t so noticeable. They were a pretty independent couple who didn’t rely on the other for anything. Once Jasper was born, things changed.

The TV show captured Jasper’s total attention, mesmerising him with the bright colours and playful music. Selina disengaged herself carefully and padded into the kitchen of their one-bedroom flat to prepare dinner. She felt like Old Mother Hubbard as she scanned the bare shelves and nearly empty fridge. It wasn’t pay day for another two days. The meager pension she received didn’t make it through the fortnight. Luckily, she was fond of instant noodles and Jasper liked chicken nuggets and frozen peas. As she stepped back to close the freezer, she gasped and nearly tripped.

“Bloody hell!” The exclamation slipped from her lips as she juggled the open packet of frozen nuggets, desperately trying to prevent them from spilling on the floor while twisting and sidestepping to avoid crushing her son. How had he snuckup on her without a sound?

“Mama?”

“Go watch Bluey while I get your dinner ready.”

He’d become extra clingy since she’d left James, and she wondered how much of the altercation his little eyes had seen, and more importantly, how much he remembered?

Before she could place nuggets into the air fryer, there was a knock at the door, and her stomach dropped. Knocks at the door were not good things, especially at this time of night. With a deep, steadying breath, she braced herself for what she would find on the other side.

“Hi Selina.”

James!

It was funny how a heart could stop and leap into adrenaline fueled overdrive at the same time. She should never have opened the door without checking the peephole, and she berated herself mentally for her mistake.

“You need to leave. Now.” She hoped her voice was steady and firm, with the kind of confidence she wanted the whole world to believe she had.

“Honey, we need to talk.”

“Don’t ‘honey’ me. We’ve got nothing to say. Just go.”

“Please, just listen. I’ve changed, I’m getting help. But I can’t do it without you.”

“Dada!” Jasper was right behind her again. She tried to prevent the boy from escaping the room, but he wriggled past, straight into James’s waiting arms.

“Hey buddy, did you miss me?”

Selina groaned in defeat. Yes, she missed him. Yes, Jasper missed him. The bruises had faded, the physical scars had healed, yet the emotional ones were still bleeding. Every word, every memory, every wish upon a star, pulled the scabs right off.

“James, you are breaching the AVO. You need to leave.”

“I need to talk to you. I’m working on it Selina, I’m becoming a better man. You know I’ve got those seven steps..”

“Twelve,” Selina corrected him quietly.

“What?”

“There are twelve steps to recovery.”

He waved her correction away with a negligent shrug. “Whatever. I’m here to tell you that I’m sorry, to fix this, to bring our family back together.” He tickled Jasper under his chin and the baby chortled.

“You’re violating the AVO. I need you to leave. You can contact me through the lawyer.”

“Selina, babe…” he reached for her and she flinched.

“Don’t…”

“You don’t have to live here. Come home. This is no place to raise a child.”

“No.”

“I won’t hurt you, I promise. I will never hurt you again.”

“I’ve heard it too many times. I don’t believe you.”

“Selina, you’re my wife. I need you with me.” His tone was cajoling as he pleaded, “I can’t do it without you.”

“Then you won’t do it at all. I can’t be what you need. Go home, get help, and leave us alone.” With determination, she reached for Jasper, who disobligingly clung to his father’s neck.

“Hey buddy, you want to go get ice-cream?”

“No! James, it’s dinner, then bedtime.”

“Ice-cream, ice-cream, ice-cream!” Jasper chanted with excitement, bouncing up and down in James’s arms.

With horror, Selina watched as her ex turned away, her son in his arms. She was torn. Follow? Call the police? Scream for help?

“Jasper, don’t leave me!” she cried.

“Mama!” The little boy looked over his father’s shoulder and his face crumpled. “Mama!” He wriggled frantically, desperate to be set down, but James kept walking towards the stairwell.

“James, stop!” She rushed after him, clinging to his shoulder, trying to drag him back. He flung his arm out and she felt herself propelled, off balance, and falling. Her scream was echoed by Jasper’s cry, but she didn’t hear it as her head connected with the brick wall.

Nothing.

****

“Ma’am, can you hear me?”

The world was blurry, like swimming through treacle. She could feel her heart hammering in her head, so she knew she was alive, but her heart was in the wrong spot, and she seemed to be floating.

“Jasper?” She fought through the fog to ask the one question that was of utmost importance. “Where..?”

“Ma’am, do you know where you are?” She opened her eyes and the blurry face of a stranger peered down at her.

“I’m… I’m…?” Where was she? The stairs? “I fell down the stairs?”

“Yes, we’re going to transport you to the hospital just to check things out.”

“Where’s Jasper?”

“He’s here.” That was James’s voice, and she tried to turn her head, but there was something preventing her. A neck brace? “I’m so sorry, Selina. You fell. It was an accident.”

She ignored him and looked into the face of the paramedic, praying he’d believe her. “I have an AVO. He’s not supposed to be here.”

Unable to see, she was not sure what happened, but voices were raised as she was loaded onto a gurney to be taken to the waiting ambulance.

“I’m sorry! Selina I’m sorry, it was an accident! It wasn’t my fault!” James shouted, his voice urgent and desperate for understanding. She closed her eyes. No, it wasn’t his fault. She should never have opened the door. He wasn’t a bad man. He was a man caught by an addiction to alcohol. A man who was a stranger, one who frightened her because she couldn’t trust him anymore.

“Mama!” They placed her little man in the ambulance with her, safe and sound, and she kissed him with relief, thanking God that this time, she was the only one that James hurt.