It's All in Your Head

I open my eyes to the high-pitched sound of my alarm going off and my heart rate spikes. I sit up in my bed and take 3 deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth.

I make my way to the bathroom and turn the hot water on in the shower, brushing my teeth while I wait for the water to heat up. The tips of my fingers are tingling but I think nothing of it as I rinse my mouth and step into the warm embrace of the shower.

I tilt my head back to wet my hair and as the water covers my ears all sound is drowned out except for the loud thumping of my pulse. It had been a while since I felt such intense dread. I start breathing deeply but it feels as though the more air I suck into my lungs the more I feel like I’m suffocating.

I turn the shower off and step out carefully onto the bathroom rug; images of me slipping and cracking my head on the toilet playing on repeat in my mind. I dry myself quickly, brush my hair and get dressed before heading downstairs.

“How are you this morning?” Josh asks from the dining table.

“I’m great” I’m not.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Absolutely” I got 3 hours at most.

I make my way to the pantry and poor myself a heaping bowl of cereal then top it with milk and take a seat beside Josh. I take a large mouthful so he can’t ask me any more questions and he takes the hint by turning to a YouTube video on his phone.

I want to squeeze my eyes shut and pull my hair so I can focus on a sensation other than the feeling of a baby elephant sitting on my chest. I think of what that would be like; to have a 90kg baby looking down at me, watching as the last bit of air is crushed from my lungs.

I kiss Josh on the forehead on my way out the door and shout “I love you” over my shoulder.

In my car the air is warm and still, only adding to my slowly developing clamminess. I indicate out of my park and start my trip to work. My breathing is starting to pick up now and is becoming shallower with every lingering thought of it.

As I approach the highway my mind drifts and I find myself thinking of a dog walking onto the road and me turning at the last minute, flipping my car in the process. The dog survives…

I match the speed of the drivers on the highway so I can safely merge but the car next to me speeds up as well and sits beside me. The on ramp is getting smaller by the second so I slow down to get past the car that obviously didn’t want to be behind me.

Except they slow down too, consistently keeping pace beside me. I reduce my speed even more, trying to stay out of their way but again they match my speed. The lane is going to end in a few meters.

Tears prick my eyes in frustration as I look to my right and see that the driver in the car next to me is probably 17 at most and he and his friend are laughing at me in my state of panic. They speed up then, leaving me for dust as the lane ends and I find myself in the emergency pull over lane. I bring my car to a screeching halt.

My breathing becomes labored and I clutch my chest in terror. My ears burn and my arms start to shake. I scream loudly and do my best to swallow air in greedy heaves.

I hear a tap on my window which makes me jump and does nothing to lower my heart rate. The Police Officer indicates to lower my window and I oblige.

“Is there a reason you’re in the Emergency stop lane?” The Officer gives me a stern look, clearly ignoring my emotional state.  “As far as I can see there’s no emergency” he eyes the inside of my car, clearly observing the empty coffee cups on my passenger side floor.

I do my best to compose myself but can’t find the courage to form words. Instead I look up at the roof of my car and repress tears.

“Ma’am I’m going to need you to move on” the officer says in a slightly lighter tone, now looking embarrassed as though he has walked in on something he shouldn’t be seeing.

I sigh heavily and start the car, putting it in gear. I do my best to release my foot from the clutch slowly but the car immediately starts jumping forward in time with my shaking leg. I manage to get the car moving, only stalling once in the process.

The rest of my drive to work goes smoothly but this does nothing to reduce my anxiety. I wish I could say this is a once in a while occurrence but it’s more like once a day. The closer I get to work, the worse I feel. I want to turn around and drive straight back home. I want my boss to walk out of the building, come over to my car, take one look at me and say “take a day off, things will get better”.

She would never, she’s not that kind of person. I would tell her how I’m feeling and she would tell me how she’s had it worse.

I try to take my mind off this numb feeling but it never works. If I had asthma I could take an inhaler, if I had diabetes I could take insulin. But what I have isn’t so easily solved by medication, not permanently anyway. What I have is all in my head, and that’s the problem.

It’s all in your head.