Emerge

Not being able to breath is one of the worst punishments any human can endure. Having to fight against your own body’s natural instincts to survive is a pain I would not wish upon anyone.

Yet, if you do find yourself in that situation your body does eventually give in to the pain and it stops to fight against itself. It becomes almost peaceful. Combined with the soft rock of the waves. It creates a perfect lullaby. A peaceful rockabye into an eternity of slumber.

Well that is until the instinct to breathe becomes so strong that your body automatically does it even if it would lead to your death. Because breathing in does not hurt nearly as bad as reaching the breaking point. The breaking point as many have described it is the final step when it starts to feels as if your head might actually explode. A perfect metaphor. You go it to drown out the voices and in the end your body wants to pick the voices over the silence.

When someone drowns they presume that it was an accident because facing the reality that someone would rather go through that pain to find peace than continue to listen to the voices implanted in their heads is a lot easier. It brings peace to their souls. It was an accident. A unfortunate event that tragically took their life. It’s crazy that someone has to leave a note or have a ball and chain around their foot before the thought of suicide even enters peoples heads.

When the voices are in your head you start to think. You see the world a little different than the people around you. You wonder. You try to understand how people without these voices can be so delusional . How can they just live right past realty? It’s absurd if you think about it. The only way to really understand others is to loose yourself. It’s a crazy concept but think about it. When you are lost you have more sympathy for others. You wonder what makes them tick. Because maybe, just maybe that is what makes you tick too. You try to find pieces of yourself inside of other people. We continue to do that until we completed the puzzle that is ourselves.

I have always wondered why people are so defensive about people that have already passed away. They pretend that the person who died was perfect in every way. Like they never made mistakes. The person could have been a terrible human being but after they died they took responsibility of protecting that person’s legacy. Like pretending that they never did anything wrong would bring them back. I have seen people protect their enemies after they had passed and I always wondered if there was some kind of reset button that they tried to activate by suddenly loving the person.

These thoughts often come into my head when the ocean calls for me. I guess you can say it comes in waves. Waves of undeniable lies that hinder us from becoming who we were supposed to be.

The ocean called but once again it was sent to voicemail as I stroll back onto the main land with the stars as witnesses.

Stars have always fascinated me. The tiny sparkles of light so far away from everything. Just looking over everything and everyone below them.

The concept of a massive ball of gas has never really sat well with me. I prefer to think of them as little sources of magic. In a world where everything revolves around logic and science it feels like rebellion to refuse to believe that they are in fact just a chemical ball of disappointment. Believing in magic makes my soul feel a little lighter even if my head and heart feels heavy.

It truly is a therapeutic experience to just lay here looking up at them. It makes me question why we are really put onto this earth. Should we be doing something more? Something bigger and better? Why do I suddenly feel so small when I’m staring into the universe screaming for an answer to it all. All of the pain, the suffering, the undeniable search for happiness and fulfillment. Why do we do it all? Is there really such a thing as a happy ending?

I don’t think there is. Life would be pretty boring if there were. I do however believe that there is a happy journey. Having the mindset of a destination often takes away the beauty of the journey.

A single stardust that land between you eyes has been on more journeys and seen more than you ever will by just being what it is supposed to be. I believe that people who are not true to their selves are missing out on the life that they were made to have. They’re wasting their time chasing an unrealistic dream and losing sight of what truly matters.

As I lay here looking at the stars once more I realise once again how narrow minded people can be. Myself included. We only strive to achieve what we want and not what we need. We pretend to be happy in a world that crushed our happiness with logic and facts. We say that we are fine when our souls are crying out to the stars to ease the pain. We are destroying ourselves as if it is a game.

After yet another attempt to drown the voices out I stare at the stars contemplating my existence and my purpose. And as always I come to the same conclusion. The voices in my head reflect the wounds in my soul. The wounds driven into me like a bullet from an overly egotistical gun.

The world seeped into my skin with its rotten stench and strangled the spark that was inside into oblivion. The only way to reignite the spark is to believe again. Like a child on Christmas morning. Believe in the possibility of change. The possibility of a better tomorrow.

Maybe next time it will be different. Maybe next time I will succeed in drowning them out. Maybe next time I won’t have to. But for now, I’ll just stare at the stars and listen as the ocean howls.