Liquidated feelings

This was the very last sunrise that Laura and I would watch together, the contrast of beauty between my two favorite things was almost unbearable as we lay watching the sky morph above the lake, the reflective colors are vibrant.

In my mind I can see her dancing to that silly song at last week's party. She sways her hips and calls for me to join her, I do, of course. She pulls me in towards her and I wrap my arms around her waist. I tell her that I love her and that she is everything I could ever want.

The memory slowly dissipates, and then a new one plays out. 

In this one, I can see her crying softly on her bed, I take a seat next to her. I didn’t do anything except sit with her, in some instances there is no need for words. Sometimes you just need to be silently understanding and the things that are hurting will slowly heal. 

The next day she had told me that she loved me, that I was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Isn’t that crazy? Absolutely mad, but of course we both were incredibly mad. Isn’t everyone? I couldn’t agree more with her. 

Flashbacks to when she told me she was leaving suddenly flooded into my mind. She was having family troubles and wanted a way out. Laura was incredibly intelligent. She had gotten a scholarship. 

Her way out had come and I was being left in the dust. 

Now I know better than anyone else that Laura loved me, but she is an independent girl, and she deserved this more than anyone. In her decision to leave and start somewhere else we both had a mutual agreement to take a break and so we would be able to better hold ourselves together. 

With love comes many sacrifices. And they can be so very painful yet beautiful. And so that brings us here. 

Laura and I, lying beneath the sky in the morning listening to the birds and watching the sunrise slowly as the time slips through our fingers as loose as water. 

I lace my fingers between hers, squeezing her hand and she squeezes back. I look over at her and her golden brown eyes meet mine. If you could have seen her, heard her speak, you would know why I was so in love. 

The reds, oranges, yellows, and so many other colors soon dripped into each other, slowly creating probably the billionth sunrise we have watched together.

A soft sadness overcame us and I was desperately grasping for her, but I knew very well that wouldn’t do any good. When you love something, let it go. Or at least that’s what they say. Yet I really don’t want to.

My heart began to ache. "Why?", I ask quietly. Laura looks at our intertwined fingers and breathes in deeply, this is probably the tenth I've asked through the last 12 hours.

"I can't stay, and you know that. With everything going on at home...I just can't. This scholarship is my only shot at getting out of this town, and i'm taking the chance. I have to". I hear her breath shake as she finishes her response.

Despite the fact that I truly love her, this place isn't good for her. Not her, not me, not anyone. This town takes anything beautiful and swallows it whole. And she is the most beautiful thing to ever grace my presence, I don't want her to be destroyed.

"Okay..Just know that I'll always love you-", Before I could finish, Laura yanks her hand away from mine and pulls herself up from the ground. She towers above me with pained yet beautiful eyes. She is a lovely giant and I am just an ant.

"Don't do that, Aiden! Just don't...you know just as well as I do that saying those kinds of things just makes this harder...Today is the day. The sun rose, I sat with you, it's time."

And with that, she turned and walked away. Nothing more nothing less.

As I listen to her car drive off in the early morning, I sit there staring at my hands, thinking. Contemplating. I sit sit sit, think, and sit some more. It's probably late evening when I finally look up, the sky is blanketed in a purple blue that is so dark it's almost pitch black.

The pain in my chest is almost deadly.

No stars to be seen, I look over the lake, maybe the stars are hiding in the water. None. I suppose when Laura left, she took everything that was beautiful with her. Packed it into a box and tossed it into her truck, and sped off. leaving no beauty for anyone, not even me.

Years have passed and I sit in the same spot, vines have began to grow and wind their way around my body. Sure I could try to cut loose, but I find a certain peace in this silent loneliness as I look over the lake.

For the first time in a long time, a memory pops up and I can’t help but to have it on repeat, I never want it to end. 

In this memory, Laura is smiling. Just smiling, happy as can be. See, I don’t quite know where this memory, or when, it’s from. But all I can see is just her, just her smiling happily. And I am full of bliss. Nothing could ruin that for me, I will always have her in my heart and mind. 

And then I was back at the lake, dark sky, moon out, no stars, and no Laura. 

Slowly but surely things will go back, things will be better. And I will breathe. Until then I am at the lake. I look around. 

The moon reflects on the water. My heart no longer aches, but the vines grow more thick with every passing day, till one day, there is no chance of escape. So I sit sit sit, think, and sit some.