Center of Attention

I park across the street from the restaurant, hoping no one would notice my car.  I know I have to go in, but I just can’t bring myself to open the car door. 

Why did Ms. Carla have to retire now?  It’s a ridiculous question, and I know it even as the thought flits through my mind.  But, if she wasn’t retiring, the office wouldn't be having this big party at a fancy restaurant to celebrate her thirty years with the company.  

I can always not show up.  Start the car up and go back home.  But, it would hurt Ms. Carla’s feelings.  And, even though I tell myself she might not even notice my absence I don’t want to pass up the opportunity to say goodbye.  She’s going to move in with her niece is North Carolina, so this will be the last time I get to see her. Her last day at work was yesterday.  And she has always been so nice to me that I want to be there for the celebration.

I wish there was some way I could sneak in without being seen.  I wish I could just call Ms. Carla on the phone and ask her to come out here.  Anything to avoid Mr. Wagner.     

I feel my skin tingle with embarrassment as the memory of earlier that day came flooding back.  He had called me into his office to discuss some mundane piece of business.   

It started off fine.   I’d sat there, answering his questions, not the least bit uncomfortable.  But, gradually, I started to notice that he was acting very fidgety.  He stared intensely at my face, except for when his eyes seemed to move of their own accord below my neck.  Then he would look back at me, his expression flustered.

I might have thought he was being inappropriate if if wasn’t so clear that the last place he wanted to look was at my chest area.  But, something was drawing his attention to it.  I would have asked him what was wrong, but I didn’t know how to bring that up to my boss.  And he didn’t seem to know how to approach the subject.

He finished up, talking at top speed.  By that time, I couldn’t wait to leave and check myself in the mirror.  I told myself it was probably some stain from lunch.  Mr. Wagner was an older man and always very polite.  He must have been dying of shame to even notice something like that in the area it was in. 

I gave  a reassuring smile, to let him know that I knew he hadn’t been trying to hit on me.  His eyes bulged out and he quickly looked down at his desk as if examining some papers.  

I raced to the restroom, only barely noticing some shocked stares and some grins.  When I looked in the mirror above the sinks, I knew why.  There was no stain anywhere on my blouse.  Instead, two buttons had somehow popped off without my knowing it.  And my black lacy bra was on full display.  

When had it happened?  How long ago had it happened?  Who else had seen me like this?  And what had Mr. Wagner thought of me smiling at him with my underwear right in his face?  Did he think I was coming on to him? I leaned against the sink and started to sing under my breath. Somehow, singing had always helped me to calm down.  But, I shut up and moved quickly to the far corner of the room when I heard the door open.

“Claire?”  It was Erin, one of my coworkers.

“Go away,” I mumbled.  This wasn’t the only restroom in the building.  Too bad I couldn’t put an out of order sign on the door and just hide out until everyone had left the building.

She didn’t hear me, or chose to ignore me.  Instead, she came right in and said, “I heard you had a wardrobe malfunction.”

I groaned.  “What am I going to do?”

“Well, first turn around.  I have a couple of safety pins that we can use to close your shirt until you can sew the buttons back on.”

I figured this was the only way I was leaving the restroom, so I turned towards her and stuck my hand out for the pins.  My fingers shook as I tried to close the gaps where the buttons used to be, so Erin fastened them for me.

I made my way back to my cubicle and started to act very busy.  Everyone took the hint and didn’t bother me for the rest of the day.  That is, until right before it was time to leave.

“Make sure you wear something appropriate tonight.  I don’t think you want to flash Ms. Carla,” Will said, pausing at my cubicle with a lecherous grin.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“

Ms. Carla’s retirement party?  Unless you were so busy practicing your striptease that you forgot?”

I made a reference to HR, but didn’t stay around to see if he was sufficiently scared.  I had forgotten, and for the reason he said.  Although, of course, none of it had been by design.

So, that’s why I’m sitting here in the car instead of eating inside and enjoying time with my coworkers.  Because I know Will is going to say something.  Probably under his breath so no one will call him on it.  And Mr. Wagner might not say anything at all.  He might deliberately avoid taking any notice of me. And that will just make me feel awkward and embarrassed.  Or maybe he will be extra polite and solicitous to make me feel like everything was okay.  Which will make me feel even more awkward.  Either way, it's a lose-lose situation.

“Get a grip, Claire,” I mutter to myself.  I take a few deep breaths and step out of the car with shaky legs.

As I make my way to the restaurant, every instinct is telling me to turn back.  Get in the car and drive away.  Ms. Carla will be settled in her new life and won’t even think about me when this is all over.  Why put myself through this?

As I get closer, I hear music playing.  It calms me down.  It’s a song I’m very familiar with.  Once again, the urge to sing overwhelms me as I know it’s the only thing to completely settle the giant monster butterflies in my stomach.  

I sing softly, feeling the panic begin to dissipate.  I don’t even really realize what I am doing or that I have made it to right outside the restaurant.  I just keep singing until the song ends.

Suddenly, I hear applause.  I realize I have actually made it all the way inside the restaurant.  And, my singing must have been loud enough for others to hear.  I almost turn and run out.  I’ve made a spectacle of myself.  Again.  But, I see Ms. Carla slowly stand up from her chair.  She’s coming towards me.  I can’t run away.

“What a lovely farewell gift.  And what a lovely voice you have,” she says.  She gives me a big hug.

Once again, I’m the center of attention.  But, this time it’s because everyone is complimenting me.  Even Mr. Wagner tells me I was amazing, and there isn’t the hint of anything but approval and astonishment in his voice.

Erin calls me over and I sit next to her.  My nerves are almost gone.  Normally, I wouldn't sing in public but I can’t help but feel pride knowing how everyone reacted and how much it pleased Ms. Carla.  

Even Will’s comment that with my voice I don’t need to flash the office can’t dampen my mood.  But, I do make a point to say something discreetly to Mr. Wagner about his behavior.  The fact that I’m wearing a top that goes over my head instead of buttoning makes me more confident.

The evening ends with laughter and tears, mostly on Ms. Carla’s part.  And with a song.  I start, but we all join in.